BIRD: Well, that went well.
BUFFALO: Sure did.
BIRD: And the, ah-hm, donations are flying in.
BUFFALO: Yowzer to that, dude. Got holes in me socks and I need a new hooter.
BIRD: Hmm. Yes. Anyhoo, you know that Jeremy guy?
BUFFALO: The one who's got a blog called jeremyindiapers or somefink?
BIRD: In pants. Jeremyinpants. Nothing on it yet, but we'll keep an eye out for developments. Well, he wrote us the mostest coolest e-mail.
BIRD: So good, infarct, that I reproduce it here for your highest of pleasures.
BIRD: And he writes: "Dear Bird & Buffalo, Last year I lost my wife, my cat, my goat, my mind and my rare Mongolian birds stamp collection. And then you two loons came into my life. I just wanna say... Ch-ch-cho-cho... Gimme a minute, will ya? Choking up over here."
BUFFALO: Poor fookster.
BIRD: "I just wanna say when I read the extract from Helmut's novel yesterday..."
BUFFALO: Ralf, dude. Ralf. Bueffel indeed! Schweinhund shagger.
BIRD: "When I read the extract from Helmut's novel yesterday, I realised that just about anyone can write a novel then send it off to those wise guys at Babelfish, sign on the dotted line and make a mint. So..."
BUFFALO: Omigod. Here it comes.
BIRD: "So I wondered if you'd take a look at what I knocked together over an omelette and chips last night in my cramped but nice bedsit in Peckham?"
BUFFALO: Peckham? Any relation to Pecker?
BIRD: It's a suburb of London, dude.
BUFFALO: Oh. Do we have to read this?
BIRD: Yep. "Well, OK, it's not finished yet, but it starts off in a fairly lively fashion. 'He came round the bend and stuttered to a halt. Where was the gravy?'"
BUFFALO: That's it?!
BIRD: A-ha. So what do you think? Has it got legs?
BUFFALO: Tell me life's too short. Tell me.
BIRD: Wait, the e-mail's not finished yet. "And where can I find Sharon and the dancing titties? YouTube keeps saying 'File not found'. Love you guys. Wicked."
BUFFALO: The durty auld perv. We'll send you the link.
BIRD: And lastly... "Is it too late for my 8 Me-Me's? Here goes.
1. I wear my Y-fronts back to front to improve my circulation.
2. I've ghost written a biography for five prime ministers and sixteen presidents worldwide, but I wouldn't advise it. They pay very shitty rates.
3. I stole my great aunt's pet Yorkshire terrier shortly before she died and renamed her Horny.
4. I always mis-spell my name on forms, so people will remember me.
5. I think Titanic is the greatest film EVER made and I still find Celine Dion a total Freddy teaser.
6. My big left toe has two nails.
7. I shave under my arms and around my gonads. My girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend was a bit of a stroker.
8. I'm learning the Collins Millennium dictionary word by word, for a laugh. Just got up to "enarthrosis". Looking forward to "en brochette".
PS Ha-ha. That's not my name. Can you guess what it really is?"
BUFFALO: Jeez. Another nutjob. Wot is it about us that attracts every wacko in town?
BIRD: Jeremy Hoofer, or whatever your name is, he didn't mean it. He's trying to be ironic. If you could only see his eyebrows slewing like waves...
BUFFALO: Yeah, Jez. Don't mind me. I haven't been laid since the summer.
BIRD: Nae true, laddy.
BUFFALO: Well, OK, a few weeks ago. And the nights are drawing in.
BIRD: What about last weekend?
BUFFALO: Doesn't count. Money changed hands, remember?
BIRD: Oh, Buffo. You'll have to stop taking them to those exclusive restaurants. KFC is perfectly adequate.
BUFFALO: I tell ya, those cherries were so ripe...
BIRD: Yes, all right, Buffters. What the mind doesn't see the imagination can fill in. So, anyway, here's to the next interactive, coming soon.
BUFFALO: Can't wait! And Sharon's new YouTube video, in which she juggles a dozen lemons on her jugs to the tune of Bachman Turner Overdrive's You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet!
BIRD: Film at eleven.
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!