Thursday, October 26, 2006

EVERYDAY ABSCESS HORROR, AKA MAKE SQUIDGIES HISTORY

BIRD: Fookin’ abscess. The gum’s in agony. And the antibios are giving me the squidgies.

BUFFALO: Sorry to hear that, dude.

BIRD: Still, been milking the sympathy from all the ladies, like. And I did win at pool last night.

BUFFALO: Glad somebody won. The Tigers were beaten like gongs last night by the flaming St. Louis Cardinals, in St. Louis. Trying to raise my spirits by sipping Prince of Wales tea and eating homemade apple-cinnamon oatmeal.

BIRD: Fancy tigers being beaten by cardinals. The shame of it. Head feels like it's about to go splat. Things can only get better.

BUFFALO: Rewinds me of when mah wisdom teeth were removed in my early 20s. For two weeks I was on potent pain killers, yet I still thought my lower jaw was coming off. The first night after the surgery I woke up in the middle of the night choking on my own blood. Anyhoo, I hope you feel better soon.

BIRD: Either that or it’ll be a shotgun farewell, dude.

BUFFALO: Now, now, let's have none of that, lad. Grin and bear it, stiff upper lip, and all that. This too shall pass. And then something worse will happen and you'll look back on this as a mere lark... or a Cardinal.

BIRD: Now there's a thought. Thanks, Buff. Cheered me up no end.

BUFFALO: Think nothing of it. What are friends for? If it's any consolation to you, thank your lucky stars you don't have to take Ritalin to prevent you from falling asleep at the wheel and Ativan to discourage you from driving off cliffs. Think of your pain and discomfort as a pleasant distraction from the everyday horrors of life, and soon you'll be grinning ear to ear and gibbering like a great bloody ape. And now I'm off to the land of snails and adventure, aboard the Golden Hind. "Hi, folks, this is your host, Bob Hind..."

BIRD: Ker-ching! Direct hit!

BUFFALO: Still waiting for the trank to kick in here. Let's see, what else is good for stress? No, don't have the energy for that. Maybe a movie.

BIRD: Sounds like a good idea, Buffters. Oh, well, back to the squidgies. Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

BIRD: Ohhhhh…

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: FOR THOSE OF YOU SUFFERING FROM THE SQUIDGIES & IN NEED OF SYMPATHY & ADVICE, CONTACT THE INTERNATIONAL SQUIDGIES ASSOCIATION AT squidgies.R.US@wellsoft.net

"MAKE SQUIDGIES HISTORY" T-SHIRTS, MUGS, PENS & OTHER USEFUL & HIGHLY IMPRESSIVE MERCHANDISE ARE AVAILABLE AT www.makesquidgieshistorydirect.com

ALL DONATIONS TO THE ERADICATE SQUIDGIES BY 2015 FUND GRATEFULLY RECEIVED AT www.eradicatesquidgiesnow.com

PLEASE NOTE: IF SYMPTOMS PERSIST, CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR & INVEST IN EXTRA STRONG UNDIES. YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS WILL THANK YOU FOR IT.

1 comment:

Jeremy said...

Have you tried nuts? Might be cheaper than extra strong shorts.

Jeremy