Monday, October 30, 2006

THE CURSE OF THE SQUIDGIES

BIRD: Dire Rear, Buffo.

BUFFALO: Dude, youse wastin' away. You gotta do somefin'.

BIRD: I've tried all the remedies, Buffters - buttermilk, carrot soup, ginger, mint, pomegranate, mango, rice, but so far da only thing that's had any success, albeit limited, is the old Cabernet Sauvignon wine cork, strategically placed, like.

BUFFALO: Eeks!

BIRD: Difficult to regulate at night, if ya get m'drift.

BUFFALO: So is you off work, like?

BIRD: Off work, off play, off shagging after Tiffin. Jeepers, even Cadbury's Fruit & Nut has lost its allure.

BUFFALO: Boogeroo, dude. Does this mean the serialisation of dat Plasterung book might be delayed, like?

BIRD: Aw, that. Well, hactually, Ralf found a better deal.

BUFFALO: Die Grosse Schlanger Shagger!

BIRD: Quite. With the New Porker. But...

BUFFALO: No...

BIRD: Jeremy...

BUFFALO: Inmypants?

BIRD: Yahhh-p. Has agreed, for a small fee that would make the true hoors of this world salivate mightily...

BUFFALO: Gosh!

BIRD: ..to serialise his new book, well, short story, really, here, with us. Entitled, wait for it, drum roll, pliz - Diary Of Mr Pitiful Motown.

BUFFALO: Hey, great title!

BIRD: You'll love it, dude. It's flow-of-consciousness, surrealist seeker on a cheapo holiday in Dusseldorf type shit.

BUFFALO: You're selling it, dude, B Leave Me.

BIRD: So here goes... "Sometimes, I think of my opening bent in a block, or of my language which is drawn. I cannot decide with whom to stammer, the Udder or the Hammer. Insane dreams step either side of the nightmares. I am fallow and although I enjoy ballet, always pointing upwards. I am Gammler. I smell. My esteem approaches quickly with the fear of the opinion or the meal and a simple despair that most of the time I cannot live."

BUFFALO: (choking back tears) Beautiful, Birdman. Can hardly speak.

BIRD: To be continued...

BUFFALO: No!

BIRD: Yes!

BUFFALO: "A simple despair that most of the time I cannot live..." O so true.

BIRD: Oh, no! The Squidgies are flying. Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: I am Gammler... Arf, arf!

1 comment:

Jeremy said...

No, Buffalo Po. I am Gammler. Your appreciation of my work has truly touched me.

jeremy
x