Friday, July 27, 2007

SCRATCH MODEL VIDEO Q SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION



BIRD: What's all the commotion, Buff? Sounds like a fookin' Saturn rocket taking off outside me window.

BUFFALO: Precisely, Birdy. The Hudster and yours truly are launching our new website.

BIRD: Lord Helpus, not another Toe Jam product, or the electric snake knives again?

BUFFALO: No, it's legitimate this time, more or less. It's my critically-acclaimed video documentary, innit?

BIRD: Politically defamed, did you say? Hang on, I'll just take this banana out of my ear.

BUFFALO: Dude, I'm surreal, the trade zines praised the ever-loving bejasus out of it.

BIRD: What's it on about, then? Porn from Pubistan, or Scoutmasters in rut?

BUFFALO: Scale modeling, my avian chum.

BIRD: Anorexic clothes horses getting weighed in for the runway, is it?

BUFFALO: Hardly. It's about the blokes who build steam engines and such, from scratch. Engines, locomotives, boats, cars, airplanes, etc.

BIRD: Steam-powered airplanes? You've gone off your wicket, Buffers.

BUFFALO: It's the fair dinkum, mate. On DVD and all. We've got a wikked website, with pictures and what-not. http://scratchmodelvideo.com/

BIRD: All right then, fork it over and I'll paste it up on the bulletin board.

BUFFALO: Will do. If the buckos start rolling in, I'm coming to East Fenwick for an extended pub crawl. Should generate lots of grist for the blog mill, innit.

BIRD: No doubt, if the Censors don't get onto us. Any leggy birds in this cinematic masterpiece?

BUFFALO: Dude, it's festooned with models, weren't you listening?

BIRD: Models, right. But are they hot, like?

BUFFALO: Dude, they're totally steaming!

BIRD: Very well, but I hope they're in good taste. . . or taste good.

BUFFALO: You won't regret it.

BIRD: That's what you said about the deal with the Venusians.

BUFFALO: How was I to know they were negotiating with Tannhauser?

BIRD: All right, I'll post it, but I want some action from one of those models.

BUFFALO: Consider it done.

BIRD: Video at eleven?

BUFFALO: Sarnoff, Sarnoff!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

WOMBIC INTERRUPTUS Q PAUSE 4 THOUGHT

WATSON: I say, Holmes.

HOLMES: Yes, Watson?

WATSON: What's Wombic sex?

HOLMES: A cunning ploy.

WATSON: A punning cloy?

HOLMES: No, you silly billy. A device.

WATSON: What, like a BP3?

HOLMES: That's MP3, old chap, and it hasn't been invented yet.

WATSON: Good Lord! Now I'm more confused than ever what what what. So Wombic sex is a device. A device to do what?

HOLMES: To see how many times one may use the word sex with impunity. The hit counter, which also hasn't been invented yet, will be going ballistic as soon as you press "Publish post".

WATSON: "Sex with impunity"? Publish post"? Publish what post? I'm afraid you've lost me past the mortuary, old bean.

HOLMES: It's all right, old chum. It's all a dream. (winks to webcam, which also hasn't been invented yet).

WATSON: Well, if you say so, old man. Although there's an excerpt in this pamphlet that came through the door: "Though the single nature of Wombic mind, which completely pervades both cyclic sex and near copulation, has been naturally present from the beginning, you have not anointed it. Even though its radiance and awareness have never been anything more than Wombic interruptus, you have not yet encountered its true behind." Can't make a blinking head nor tail of it, Holmes.

HOLMES: My dear quack, you are reading from The Wombic Book Of The Dead, Chapter 2. Nobody has EVER got past Chapter 1. It is said that there is a hidden message in Chapter 1 that turns a man to the mirror and madness.

WATSON: Good Lord! You don't think that I might go bonkers too, do you?

HOLMES: For somebody with such a tenuous hold on mental clarity, I'm sure it will bring you nothing but joy.

WATSON: Thank Prince Albert for that! For a moment back there, I thought I was losing my yarbles, I mean marbles.

HOLMES: Birth, sex, death, old fruit. But it's what happens in between that gives the inquiring mind pause for thought.

WATSON: Well, quite. Oh, dear, I fear you've lost me again. It's getting late, I think I'll turn in.

HOLMES: Most wise, Watson. Do not be deceived by the glow. All that is light is not of the light and may prove darker in a lighter place.

WATSON: Good Lord!

HOLMES: Good night, Watson.

WATSON: Good night, Holmes. All that's darker than light glows in the lighter place of deception... Oh, dear. I'm truly befuddled now. But I'll get to Chapter 3. I'll show that Holmes. Those Wombics won't beat me with their convulsive elaborations and sexy cycles. No Wombic interruptus for me! Hudders, get the lavender oil ready, I'm on my way!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

PRE-WOMBIC LIFE WITH UMBRELLA

It is black, I am cold, he is silent.
My spirit floats in the vastness
Of the eternal vacuum cleaner of cyberspace
I can hear, see, feel, enter nothing
But wait, I perceive something in the far distance
It is a smoky red kite. How beautiful
I am drawn to it as a moth to the races
Faster and faster, irrevocably drawn into the red glow bellow
Too late I remember the warning
From the Baada Cromosol, the Wombic Book of the Dead
I have fallen into the baps once again
The light suddenly intensifies in color and brilliance
As the invaders reach fulfillment
Two and eight
Once more I am sucked into the endless vortex
Of my umbrella
Am I really feeling lucky?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

THE BLADE OF GRASS TURNS & WHY NOT?

WATSON: I say, Holmes.

HOLMES: Be quick, Watson, I have an appointment with my bank manager. We may be homeless by the weekend, you know.

WATSON: I sit here, observing all the anguish and suffering, and I wonder why not?

HOLMES: Why not what, old quack?

WATSON: People should live in peace and harmony. Why not?

HOLMES: What we need is a substantial commission from somebody who has recently, unfortunately, had their loved one hacked to death in the most unseemly of circumstances.

WATSON: And all the poverty in the world and the debauchery and gluttony. If we all pulled together, we could eradicate the lot. Why not?

HOLMES: Naturally, there is a considerable bounty on the head of Professor Moriarty but I fear it will take many years to ensnare that fiend and we need a quick fix.

WATSON: And the smog and the flooding and the infernal warring. If we all stood up and said no, we could stop it. Why not?

HOLMES: I suppose if the worst comes to the worst, I could write an astrology column in the Times. It would tide us over.

WATSON: And the dysfunctional health service and the slave trade and the exploitation of the masses. If the world were to unite, we could resolve them all. Why not?

HOLMES: Or crosswords for the Telegraph. Everyone likes a good puzzle.

WATSON: Holmes! People are dying in their millions, excrutiating pain is rife and you haven't listened to a word I've said!

HOLMES: Watson, I hear the wind and see the sky and feel the tremor of the earth beneath my feet and the hand of destiny on my shoulder.

WATSON: What's that, Holmes?

HOLMES: If all the do-gooders in this world were laid end to end, at the very least they would make a good path, don't you think?

WATSON: Sorry, Holmes, you've lost me again.

HOLMES: Watson, will you walk with me?

WATSON: Eh?

HOLMES: To the bank. I seek to satisfy a greater hunger.

WATSON: Have you been at the chocolate drops again, old man?

HOLMES: One cannot make whole that which is in pieces.

WATSON: But that's preposterous. We can but try what what what.

HOLMES: We are all here to learn. Piece by piece.

WATSON: Oh, dear, I'm afraid he's gone off on one. I'll have to get Hudders and the smelling salts.

HOLMES: Tread carefully, Watty Botty, for knowledge may easily fall through the cracks.

WATSON: Hudders, quick, the smelling salts. Poor Holmes has slipped into the interminable dimension.

HOLMES: Is that a grasshopper I see before me? Nourish him, well, Watson, for he will lead us to our goal, and after all is said and gone, why not?

WATSON: Wish for the stars and end up in the gutter what what what. Hudders! Hudders! No crumpet at eleven.

Monday, July 16, 2007

PROPINQUITY BLOWOUT

BIRD: Come again, Buff?


BUFFALO: It's called the propinquity effect. The tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often, in their family or neighborhood, whatever.


BIRD: Dude, you were in that cinema for less than an hour before you made a move on what's her name, Desiree?


BUFFALO: Point of order, dude. She made a move on me. There's no way I would willingly miss James Mason in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea as part of a Disney double bill with Mary Poppins and you know that!


BIRD: And then you were asked to leave.


BUFFALO: We were going anyway. They make the seats so goddamn narrow and lumpy these days. Wot's an amorous bison to do?


BIRD: Er, watch the film, like?


BUFFALO: I was vulnerable, K? Mason plays Nemo with such feeling. Gets me in the avuncular every time. Besides, the backseat of the car's way more comfy, innit.


BIRD: Thank gawd you've got tinted windows, like.


BUFFALO: Worth every cent. And to think if you hadn't suggested it...


BIRD: Never mind that. I'm still interested in this propinquity angle. You said its about encountering often.


BUFFALO: Oh, I've seen Desiree many times before, in my dreams, like.


BIRD: Oh, and that counts, does it?


BUFFALO: Does to me. And I've seen someone remarkably like her down the Launderette too. And on my corridor. And in the parking lot. And down by the lake. Need I go on?


BIRD: It's not obligatory. I guess as long as you're happy...


BUFFALO: Dude, I'm deleterious. She's got it all going on, dude, believe me. In buckets and spades. Yes, sirree.


BIRD: That's incredible, I've never known you like this before after such a grubby encounter.


BUFFALO: Blame it on the Vindaloo after. It let off so many endorphins, I feel like a King Bee with his finger on the nectar, like.


BIRD: Blimey! Be careful, dude. She might be gone with the night, like.


BUFFALO: Propinquity, dude. U = universe, A = set A, B = set B, and S = similarity.


BIRD: Eh? You lost me past the post office.


BUFFALO: The more exposure a stimulus gets, the more likeable it becomes. And we were both highly exposed last nite, if ya get me drift.


BIRD: Let's hope you're right, dude, cos a fool and his derisories are easily parted.


BUFFALO: Nothing "propinques" like propinquity. - Walter Mondale, 1976.


BIRD: Yes, but All Things Must Pass. George Harrison, 1970.


BUFFALO: Possibly, but Imagine, John Lennon, 1971.


BIRD: But it could be a case of Flowers In the Dirt, Paul McCartney, 1989.


BUFFALO: Dude.


BIRD: Yes, dude?


BUFFALO: Stop And Smell The Roses, Ringo Starr, 1981.

BIRD: Dammit. Pipped again.

BUFFALO: I'm on fire, dude. Hey, gotta run. Desiree's at the door. She wants to see Bambi then Dumbo, but not necessarily in dat order. Laters.

BIRD: Double bill at eleven?

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

THE SPATULA OF MISSED CONTENTION

WATSON: I say, Holmes.

HOLMES: Yes, Watson?

WATSON: It's time for your six-monthly exploratory.

HOLMES: Are you absolutely certain this is necessary? You know what happened last time.

WATSON: Oh, come on, old boy. Don't be such a Jessie. It'll all be over in a jiffy.

HOLMES: Watson, your sado-masochistic tendencies are most unbecoming. I shall have a word with Sigmund about you.

WATSON: Balderdash and kerpiffle, Holmes! I am a commensurate professional who executes his duties in strict accordance with the Hippocratic oath. I assure you I am entirely neutral on such matters what what what.

HOLMES: Would that you were, old chap. But I have no wish to walk like a man on a saddle without a horse for a week again.

WATSON: But Holmes, that's because you insist on moving and stirring during the investigation. You really must learn to relax and be patient until the examination has reached its conclusion.

HOLMES: Whilst Professor Moriarty is at large I shall never relax. And as for conclusions...

WATSON: Imagine you're reading a good book or puffing on a new pipe, or turning bitumen into gold, that sort of thing.

HOLMES: Unfortunately, all my thoughts turn to darkened passageways and pathways that lead deeper and deeper into the hellish caverns of Hades strewn with soot and grime and all things decaying like rotten vegetables on Hudders' compost heap where the wretched serpent lurks.

WATSON: Good Lord, Holmes. I do believe you've transmuted this into a sublimational trauma in your own mind with a twist or two.

HOLMES: My dear Watson, I have done no such thing. I simply do not relish you or any other doctor tampering with my equipment.

WATSON: Well I never! As if I would. Why, the mere suggestion leaves one most indignant.

HOLMES: Oh, really, Watson. You know full well that you delight in tweaking my Bunsen burner and pinging my testtube at every available opportunity.

WATSON: Fancy! The great Sherlock Holmes afraid of little old me with his spatula. The thought of it.

HOLMES: Oh, for the love of the Empire, can we just get this over with so I may return to my criminological pursuits? Mandrake the Mad Axe Man of the Midlands is still on the loose, you know.

WATSON: You can always test yourself, you know, old boy. With supervision, naturally. Perhaps it would take the sting out of the tail, so to speak.

HOLMES: Watson, that's a splendid idea. Hand me that spatula, will you, old fruit? Now how far does one have to probe?

WATSON: Until you hear a faint click.

HOLMES: Here goes. Mm-hm. Oh-ho. A-ha. Oh, dear. It would appear to be stuck.

WATSON: Good Lord! How on earth did you manage to get it at that angle? Quite remarkable.

HOLMES: If you wouldn't mind, Watson...

AND THERE WE MUST LEAVE OUR SLEUTH IN DISTRESS IN THE CAPABLE HANDS OF HIS FAITHFUL YET EVER SO SLIGHTLY CHUCKLING AND SMUG MEDICAL COMPANION WHO WILL RECORD LATER IN HIS DIARY THAT "I FEAR THAT WE SHALL FAIL TO REMOVE ALL OF THE SPATULA BUT AT LEAST HOLMES WILL ENJOY FROM NOW ON ADVANCE WARNING OF ANY IMPENDING EVACUATIONS".

AS ALWAYS, WE URGE OUR READERS & THEIR RELATIVES & ASSOCIATES NOT TO TRY THIS AT HOME. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION ON SPATULA ABUSE, PLEASE CONTACT THE SPATULAS CAN BE FUN BUT ONLY IN THE RIGHT HANDS SOCIETY AT spatulaabuseisn't4life@misguidedprobings.com

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

HOROSCOPES R US INC.

BY POPULAR DEMAND, THE AULD BUFFTER GAZES INTO HIS CRYSTAL BALL, TWEAKS IT A LITTLE & REVEALS THE FORTUNES FOR DA ASSES FOR DA WEEK AHEAD. WATCH OUT FOR ADDITIONAL COLLATERAL ON YouTube.

ADVANCE WARNING: IF YOU BELONG TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING STARSIGNS, IT AIN'T LOOKIN' THAT GOOD. BUT HEY, GET OVER IT.

CANCER

You'll be smarting inside because your Uncle Bill has serious designs on your keister. Ignore all insults today. If you stand up for yourself you will be bitch-slapped into next Thursday. News about a publishing, educational, or travel matter will please you very much, but will turn out to be a hoax. Family connections are the key to obtaining your heart's desire. Invite all your relatives to a party, then break into their homes and rob them blind.

LEO

You'll be adventurous today. Some will meet with unexpected romance, while others will feel creatively inspired. Be independent without being too touchy. The special word that will bring joys irrefutable is counteravuncular!

VIRGO

In your rush to get things accomplished, don't overlook some important details. Otherwise, progress is assured. You made the right decision on an intimate issue--love and sex mean more.

LIBRA

Use the day to think about domestic concerns. Consider leaving your wife and family before it's too late. Later, you'll be out for good times, but try not to spend too much at the titty bars tonight. Some tricky sonofabitch may steal your wallet. Keep your zipper closed.

SCORPIO

You may be at a loss if you combine business with pleasure today. An old friend returns to help you out; out of your clothes. Don't let him in the door. You will be tempted to hit on your secretary today, but don't do it. She is itching to slap a sexual harrassment suit on your dumb ass.

SAGITTARIUS

Speak your mind tactfully at a group affair, or Security will frog-march you to your car after you are fired on the spot. Avoid business negotiations today. You are bipolar and your brain has cycled in "retard" mode. Nothing will go as you planned tonight, but keep your big mouth shut or you'll be pummeled senseless by a lesbian biker gang and left for dead in the middle of Highway 61.

CAPRICORN

The highlight of your day will be a loose stool in the morning, which will keep you busy mopping up the floor until you're late for work. Your boss will not be pleased with your productivity, but he's a douche bag, so who gives a rodent's ass? You'd be better off to stay in bed all day and get a firm grip on your Freddy.

AQUARIUS

Your appetite for having good times will burn hot today. Get to the VD clinic ASAP. Try not to let today's pleasures distract you from obligations that need tending; set up that appointment for your girlfriend's counselling. If you take advantage of positive overtures to lower your guard a little, you will be kicked squarely in the nuts. Pray a lot.

PISCES

You want to improve your income and your work output, so go ahead and embezzle corporate funds and then pad the hell out of your timesheets. Tonight have a loving dialogue between you and a partner, but make sure your spouse doesn't find out. Your political savvy isn't worth a fudge rocket today, so cooperate with others on an important group project or exposed as an incompetent boob.

ARIES

This is a shite day for romance... hell, for any endeavor for that matter. Some may find love (in prison) or enjoy children (baked, broiled, or in a stew). Creativity? Forget it. You will be groggy from another hangover and your roommate will plug you before you even get out of bed. Don't put up a fight; he has a knife. Better to just grab your ankles and take it like a man.

TAURUS

You will be restless today, knowing that the authorities are closing in on you. As for concentration, forget it. You'll be lucky if you can remember to wipe your own ass. Avoid shopping today. If you aren't robbed blind by unscrupulous merchants, you'll be arrested again for shoplifting. But if you do go shopping, don't forget to stock up on Depends. Try to stay off the sauce for a change unless you're next on the list for a liver transplant.

GEMINI

The day promises both career and financial advances, but of course will not deliver. You can try to get ahead, but you'll be lucky if you don't lose your ass. Try not to get invited to any work or neighborhood soirees as they've all been targeted for drive-by shootings. Avoid looking for kitty after dark; you'll be arrested for soliciting.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

FROM PLUMBER'S TWICE WEEKLY Q LIMERICK MASTERCLASS

There once was a plumber from Lea,
Who was plumbing his girl, by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

THE PLUMBER IN QUESTION IS A MR ROD BULGING, FROM IOWA. AFTER FITTING THREE KITCHENS & A BOUDOIR, ROD DEIGNED TO BE INTERVIEWED. THIS IS AN ABBREVIATED VERSION OF THAT INTERVIEW.

B&B: So Rod, how's it hanging?

ROD: It's good. Straight and true.

B&B: I'd like to ask you, if I may, about your Limerick.

ROD: Hell, is that what it is. OK.

B&B: The aspects of setting, of topic, of voice seem to dominate, to direct the reading. Would that be a fair observation?

ROD: Uh, actually, the dominant theme is, IMHO, what the plumber's up to with, uh, the client, ya get me?

B&B: Loud and clear, Rod. Loud and clear. Now, in reading the Limerick one is struck by the fact that it gets to a dark place very quickly. There's no suspense here, is there?

ROD: Well, Jeez, I gotta tell ya, this was a brief encounter. There wasn't time for nothing fancy.

B&B: Indeed and in trying to understand the organisation of the piece, how the poem proceeds, what elements or principles guide this organisation, one is struck by the fact that there is no reversal, there is most definitely a climax, perhaps not a sequence of some kind and with regards to a set of oppositions the jury is well and truly out.

ROD: Can't argue with none of that. I'll ask my neighbor Jed. He's got a PhD, so maybe he can. But I ain't promising anythin', ya get me?

B&B: And what would you say about tone?

ROD: Hell, there ain't no music in it. Although the radio was on in the background whilst we were on the job, like.

B&B: It's intriguing how the various elements work to create its meaning. The imagery is astounding, the symbolism abounds.

ROD: Hey, thanks a lot, buddy. I'm kinda pleased with it myself. I'm goin' back there for more next week.

B&B: Mr Bulging, it's been a pleasure to chat to you. And the next Limerick is coming out when?

ROD: When I write it. It's 90% perspiration, 10% copulation, ya get me?

B&B: Quite incredible. Rod Bulging, thank you.

Monday, July 02, 2007

101 SMOOF: CAMPAIGN FOR MORE SMOOF IN PUBLIC PLACES

BIRD: OK, dude, take it away.

BUFFALO: Britney & Lindsay - smoof!

BIRD: Marks & Spencer - smoof!

BUFFALO: Beautiful gals with almond green eyes - smoof!

BIRD: In da summer sun wid da see-alls - smoof!

BUFFALO: Route 66 - smoof!

BIRD: M25 - smoof!

BUFFALO: Lake Michigan - smoof!

BIRD: Loch Ness - smoof!

BUFFALO: The larch - smoof!

BIRD: The acorn - smoof!

BUFFALO: Wait, wait, wait. Hold it.

BIRD: Wassup?

BUFFALO: We ain't gonna make da 101, dude.

BIRD: Yakety yak, don't hold smoof!

BUFFALO: Smoof wid da groove.

BIRD: Smoof 4 peace, pliz, Lucy.

BUFFALO: Smoof 4 da globular misunderstanding.

BIRD: Smoof is da word.

BUFFALO: Smoof is da way dat we're relieving.

BIRD: Come on and jump to da smoof.

BUFFALO: Somewhere over da smoof.

BIRD: Come on and smoof wid me.

BUFFALO: Smoof up hi.

BIRD: Coz I...

BUFFALO: Will all ways...

BOTH: Luv smoo-oo-oooooof.

BIRD: Luv...

BOTH: Smoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof.

AND THERE WE MUST LEAVE THE BIRD & BUFFALO AS THEY DESCEND INTO UTTER SMOOF. AND WITH ANY HOPE, THEY WILL RETURN MINUS THE SMOOF FOR MORE INTRIGUE & DEROGATORY. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME & CONSTELLATION. FOR FURTHER FORAYS INTO THE WORLD OF SMOOF, JOIN THE SMOOF FORUM AT smoofingdasmooth@smoofRsmoof.com

GOOD NIGHT & DERIVE SAFELY