Thursday, August 31, 2006


BUFFALO: I'll show that broody booger a thing or two. Sage and Onion, take this!

There was a young sage from Stockholm
Who endeavored to write a stock poem
But his angst done him in
He was trumped by a Finn
And now lives in Norway with Ian Holm.

BIRD: Good one. Ian Holm, dude?


BIRD: Played Bilbo Baggins, dinny?


BIRD: And an alien thingie in Alien?

BUFFALO: Yup. Ker-chung!

Ten thousand Swedes ran through the weeds
At the Battle of Copenhagen
Ten thousand Swedes ran through the weeds
Pursued by one Norwegian.

BIRD: Wasn't Erik the Viking, wassit?

BUFFALO: None other.

BIRD: Those Vikings knew a thing or two.

BUFFALO: Yup. Kinda quiet in here, don't ya think?

BIRD: Positively venereal.

BUFFALO: Where's everybody gone?

BIRD: Wish I knew.

BUFFALO: You like Scrabble?

BIRD: I LOVE Scrabble.

BUFFALO: Fancy a game?


BUFFALO: Oh, fook! I've got the Q. If only Mommy hadn't switched out the LIGHT. Six, seven, eight, nine. Eighteen.

BIRD: Film at ELEVEN. Triple letter. Seventeen.

BUFFALO: Think Fifi'll be back?

BIRD: Course she will.

BUFFALO: I miss her.

BIRD: We all do.

BUFFALO: Fookin' Sage & ONION. Five.

BIRD: Aw, come on, Buff, don't feel ABANDONED. All me letters out. Thirteen plus fifty. Sixty-three.

BUFFALO: No fair. No fair. HELP. Seven, eight, nine. Double word. Eighteen. (sighs)


Wednesday, August 30, 2006


BIRD: The Sage of Sweden sits by his PC waiting to Sky Pee.

BUFFALO: Ha! The Sage of Sweden... Wot's he got that I ain't?

BIRD: Smouldering eyes, chiselled features, rippling pecs, a laff to melt the heart of even the bitchiest of fair maidens.

BUFFALO: Bet he's a broody dude too.

BIRD: Sure is. Have you seen his poetry? Better to cut out the middle man and slit yer wrists REAL quick. He's also the ONLY one living who has seen EVERY Bergman film MORE than once.

BUFFALO: Holy macaroni Toe Jam shit! It's the Bergman thang! Why do gals fall for that?

BIRD: It's deep, Buff. Let's leave it at that.

BUFFALO: His poetry, you say.

BIRD: Legendary. Available online at Here's a few to whet yer appetite. This one's called The Void.

The Void

The Void
Out there

BUFFALO: Wot the... The guy's a friggin' genius!

BIRD: And get this. This is my favourite. Known to millions as Raised Eyebrow.

Raised Eyebrow

I raised my eyebrow
Before it was
Too late

BUFFALO: Fook me on a candy stick with marzipan. How does he do it?

BIRD: How indeed. And that's why Fifi's gone to see him.

BUFFALO: Ya mean, to be at one with her inner darkness?

BIRD: Yup.

BUFFALO: Well, good for her. Hey, Birdy.

BIRD: Yes, Buff?

BUFFALO: It's nice just the two of us, ain't it? No-one butting in.

BIRD: Real nice.

BUFFALO: Hey, wait, I can feel a Limerick coming on. Later.

BIRD: Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


BIRD: When laffter was the cure?

BUFFALO: (sniffles) Regrets.

BIRD: I've had a few.

BUFFALO: Is it wrong.

BIRD: To be so strong.

BUFFALO: And idolize.

BIRD: The vision of those eyes?


BIRD: Off.


BIRD: Down.

BUFFALO: Round and round.

BIRD: On any other day.

BUFFALO: The angels may fall.

BIRD: But it'll be OK.


BIRD: Yellow.


BIRD: And blue.

BUFFALO: What's to become.

BIRD: Of me and you?

BUFFALO: Tired of living.

BIRD: But too afraid to die.

BUFFALO: They say the art of thinking.

BIRD: Is to gaze behind the scenes.

BUFFALO: Tra-la-la-la-la-lee.

BIRD: Bwilliant! Now wot about the music?

BUFFALO: I've got the banjo, you've got the violin. Let's do it!

BIRD: Watchout, YouTube, cos here we come!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Monday, August 28, 2006


BUFFALO: Damn yer germs, dude. Aaaaaaaaa-t-chooooooooooo!

BIRD: Not you too?

BUFFALO: Feel like microwaved roadkill. Tried just about everything. Even Sparky's Toe Jam.

BIRD: What about the zinc tablets?

BUFFALO: I've swallowed so many of 'em, I think I'm about to rust. Or corrode. Or sumthin' VERY unpleasant. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

BIRD: Wot about Absinthe?

BUFFALO: Huh? I've heard that stuff can blow yer head off at 200 yards.

BIRD: Sniff it and see. How's Sparky?

BUFFALO: Even worse. The Jehovah's Witnesses were round this mawnin' to give the poor auld jerkoff the final rites.

BIRD: Gott und Himmel!

BUFFALO: And worse still - Fifi's gone missing.

BIRD: Gone missing?!

BUFFALO: Said she had to reassess her poetic vision.

BIRD: I rhyme therefore I am?

BUFFALO: More like aaaaaaaa... aaaaa-t-choooooo! I sneeze therefore I snot.

BIRD: Yuck to that, dude. But sinusly, where is she?

BUFFALO: Rumour has it in Colorado, gone to see the Sage of Sweden.

BIRD: The Sage of Sweden? Jeez. Brave gal.

BUFFALO: Or very foolhardy.

BIRD: Ah, yes, but is the glass half full or half empty?

BUFFALO: Or is life but a dream that you never wake up from?

BIRD: And how can we ever know that which is other?

BUFFALO: Or where sense begins and meaning ends?

BIRD: If we could see...

BUFFALO: Wot would the answer be?

BIRD: The mystery...

BUFFALO: The pain... aaaaaaaaaaa...

BIRD: Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Aaaaa...rf, aaaaa...rf. T-choooo!

Sunday, August 27, 2006


BIRD: Birdy here. Barely alive but here. It all started on Thursday...

THURSDAY, 10.05am
Omigod. I can't stand up. Streaming nose. Throbbing head. Somebody give me my Benadryl.

FRIDAY, 11.30am
Fook this! Streaming nose. Throbbing head. Aching back. Nausea! Still, I'll be OK tomorrow.

SATURDAY, 12.25pm
Totally fooked. Throbbing nose. Throbbing head. Throbbing back. Throbbing throat. Nausea! Ate enough to feed a mouse. Gawd, I wish I were dead.

SUNDAY, 10.59am
Better. Much better. No throbbing nose. No throbbing head. Back still hurts. Throat OK. Don't feel sick! Went downstairs to discover the corridor and kitchen infested with ants. Several thousand of them were trying to carry off my last bottle of Benadryl. Afraid to say I lost my temper somewhat and squashed and splattered the blighters. Damn shame. Am now pouring myself some coffee and spreading some Sparky's Toe Jam on toast to steady my nerves. It's all been frightfully upsetting. Cheerio for now.

Lesser known fact #1: If you run "omigod" through the spell checker, it comes up with "homicide". Now wot's that all about?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


FIFI: Pah! Take this!

I've met many a Bore on a Bus,
And many a Crab on a Cruise,
But never a Churchmouse in Church.

Although I've routed
Rats in a Rathskeller,
Leered at Lovers in Loos,
Ferocious Ferrets on Ferries,
And translated treatises for
Transylvanian Transvestites
on Trans-Atlantic flights.

Have you ever
Bantered Bodacious BonMots with
Billionaires on Bicycles,
Wallabees in Wal-Marts,
Hermaphrodites in Home Depots,
Seafaring Scribes on Sea Schooners?

Well, I have!

Also, I've gabbed with
Garrulous Garbagepersons in Galveston
(Or shall we say, rather,
Scholarly Sanitation Savants in Savannah?).

A Lying Lexicographer on the Lusitania.
And I almost...
Accidentally Accosted An Albanian Acrobat
On the Andrea Doria...
But I missed the boat.
(Though I once had a titillating tete-a-tete-a-tete with
A Trio of Talented Trumpeters on the Titanic.)
Them days is gone forever.
I catalogue my cursory conversations
In quiet cogitation
And only chat
With my most amiable cat,
Who hasn't an alliterative bone
In his Beauteous Black Body.


BIRD: Write the cheque, Momma!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Punker's Dilemma

BIRD: The mosquitoes are restless tonight.

O woe is for the common man
A minute's silence falls beyond
As death doth wave its vicious wand!

BUFFALO: Which rewinds me... Listen and learn, Birdman.

Wish I was an English muffin,
Sitting on my plate in the morning,
Covered with jam,
Dreaming of Spam
I prefer the boys in Derry
To any ordinary man
I'm a Citizen for Boys-in-Derry jam, ma'am.

Wish I was a roller-coaster
Groovin' on the Upson Downs, man
Shootin' Mexican Brown,
Comin' upside down,
I'd not be bored-in-Derry,
It'd be extraordinary
What a plan.

Ah, South Carolina.

If I became a top-kick first sergeant,
Wudja putcher tulips on my organ?
Ah, smokin' Maryjane
Makes ya think yer a Purple Martin
Roger me you Artful Dodger
You're such a randy codger, dude
Sliding through the basement door
Like a twenty dollar whoor, so crude.

Wish I wasn't quite so flaky,
Enervating always to be corny,
I'm trying to reform
Gonna get reborn
I prefer Poissonberry
To any paganistic jam
I'm a Citizen for Poissonberry jam, damn.

DOTTY: Oh, Buff, that's positively beautiful.

BUFFALO: Why, thank you, fair maiden of the mirthless kind.

BIRD: Film at eleven.

Monday, August 21, 2006


BUFFALO: Dude, that wasn't moose turd pie.

BIRD: Oh. Thank the Lord for that.

BUFFALO: It was Mother of the Turd World pie.

BIRD: Jeez.

BUFFALO: Freshly plopped from Sparky's fair hairy butt.

BIRD: Dude! Don't go there!

BUFFALO: But it's true. It was like a vision. It just suddenly came to him. All glowing. All seeing. A voice deep inside said, "Bake it!"

SPARKY: It's blessed, man.

BUFFALO: And will bless all who touch it.

BIRD: Omigod. You've both flipped. You've finally succumbed to the Jehovah's Witnesses' horrorshow!

FIFI: He-he. Not just them, Birdman. Do you believe in miracles? Well, I do. How about a chocolate Mother of the Turd World with Sparky's Toe Jam? Fine when the weather is cool but in the heat won't it turn to goo? Yes, I believe in miracles.

BIRD: Mum! I want to go home now. I don't want to be a grown-up any more.

DOTTY: That's not...


FIFI: Coming soon: first it was the toasted-cheese Madonna, the Madonna of the Unwashed Window, and I suppose there's a Madonna marrow growing right now in somebody's garden, but... are you ready for The Madonna of the Blessed Turd?

BIRD & BUFFALO: Film at eleven.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


BIRD: Mmmm. Yummy. Wot is it?

BUFFALO: Moose turd pie.


BUFFALO: Kills all known germs dead!

BIRD: Oh, gross!

DOTTY: That's not funny! You **** *****!!

BUFFALO: Coming soon: Lady of the Turd World.

SPARKY: They're out there, man. And they're gonna get us.

BIRD: Pess-T-lence. Nothing but pess-T-lence.

FIFI: C'est la folie, malchiks!

BIRD: More Benadryl, pliz!

BUFFALO: Certainly, old chum. Arf, arf!

Friday, August 18, 2006


BIRD: Oh, Buff, I never knew.

BUFFALO: Well, it's kinda poisonal, y'see.

BIRD: And Jennette, she can't return your feelings?

BUFFALO: If only. Thing is, Birdman, I'd be happy just to hold her in me arms. For starters, anyway. And the other day, our finger tips almost touched. I tell ya, it's a hopeless situation.

BIRD: Rewinds me. There was this gal at school...

BUFFALO: Be serious, Birdy. It's not a schoolboy crush here. This woman is perfect in every way. Married to a total jerkoff with minus 20 Freddy activity. Guess I'll have to stop seeing her. Pity, coz I was just starting to get to grips with my delusional suicidal tendencies.

BIRD: Buffy, old chap. It's transference. Get over it. Give Judy a ring.

BUFFALO: Judy... Judy... With her it's all take, take, take, now booger orf, ya auld perv.

BIRD: Well, Karen, then.

BUFFALO: With her it's all huff huff huff, over in a puff.

BIRD: Cheryl?

BUFFALO: Got back together with her fookwit attorney.

BIRD: Cathy?

BUFFALO: Taken up residence with three dogs and a goat in the house of flatulence.

BIRD: Well, er, how about, um, er, Dotty?

BUFFALO: Dotty?! Are you yanking my chain, dude? I'd rather hack off me Freddy and donate it to science than spend a night with that mirthless gal. What is it with her? She can't laugh, sing, dance, say ANYTHING interesting. Dunno wot you see in her.

BIRD: She's all heart, really. Just gotta find the key to open it. Shhh, she's coming. Dum, dee, dum, dee, dum.

DOTTY: Hello, boys.


DOTTY: How's it going?

BIRD & BUFFALO: Very well, thank you, Dotty.

DOTTY: I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

BIRD & BUFFALO: No, of course not, Dotty.

DOTTY: Good. Er, have you heard from Sparky lately?

BIRD & BUFFALO: No, we don't know where he is, Dotty.

DOTTY: Oh, well, when you see him could you let me know, there's something I want to ask him.

BIRD & BUFFALO: OK, Dotty, we will.

DOTTY: Well, I'll see you later, then.

BIRD & BUFFALO: OK, Dotty. Bye.

BUFFALO: Jeez, that was close.

BIRD: She just needs some lurrve, Buff. Can't you help her out?

BUFFALO: We ALL need some lurrve, old chum, me more than most.

BIRD: Ah, yes, but you've been looking for it in all the wrong places.

BUFFALO: Would that t'were that simple. Hey, wait, it's me cell phone. It's Bindy. Oh, my, looks like my lucky number's just come up, Birdman! Boffing tonite.

BIRD: You durty auld perv!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Thursday, August 17, 2006


BUFFALO: Sparky's up for his morning ablutions. Ah, tinkle time. Bearing down on the own peanut as we speak. He's like Maxwell House coffee; good to the last drop. He's been going to work early and coming back late, soppin' up that OT.

BIRD: Wot happened to the grenade, like?

BUFFALO: Oh, that. Had to throw it out the window, dude. Blew up old man Shaker's brand-new pickup truck. I believe a crack addict on the second floor is being removed from the building today as punishment for his drug-fuelled revelry, the berk.

BIRD: Well, that's OK, then. And Sparky?

BUFFALO: On the lookout for the Charlie as we speak. Hey, dude, while I regret, I did it, I recorded a bout with my head doc, Jennette. Chew on this, Birdman.

BIRD: I'm all ears.

(Tape plays)

JENNETTE: Well, you're looking chipper this morning, Buffy.

BUFFALO: Funny you say so, I was thinking about a chipper this morning... a wood chipper.

JENNETTE: Good lord, you're not thinking about harming yourself, are you?

BUFFALO: No, not much. I was thinking about sticking my head in it, getting it over with.

JENNETTE: Ah, you've having me on again, aren't you?

BUFFALO: (sighs) I've never had you on, not that I haven't dreamed about it often enough.

JENNETTE: Let's keep it strictly professional, shall we?

BUFFALO: That's easy for you to say, sitting there with those incredible legs, and all.

JENNETTE: Would you prefer that I stopped wearing skirts when you come?

BUFFALO: I was only breathing hard, and if you stop wearing skirts, I won't come at all.

JENNETTE: My God, you're incorrigible.

BUFFALO: I beg your pardon. I may be a tad overweight, but I'm hardly a dirigible.

JENNETTE: All right, enough foreplay already. What shall we talk about today?

BUFFALO: The usual. Why am I so fookin' crazy?

JENNETTE: (sighs) You know I prefer it if you don't use clinical terms.

BUFFALO: Sorry. Why am I nuts?

JENNETTE: I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What about your nuts?

BUFFALO: You're DRIVING me nuts.


BUFFALO: You're like a cross between Jenny Agutter and Annette Benning, in their primes. It's enough to drive any straight loonatic mad.

JENNETTE: What's come over you lately? You used to be so shy and unassuming.

BUFFALO: I think I'm in love with you.

JENNETTE: Ah, I see. Trust me, you're not in love with me... this is what we call "transference."

BUFFALO: God, I hate it when you get clinical on me.

JENNETTE: Sorry. . . let me put it this way... (sound of pantyhose rustling)

(BUFFALO groans)

JENNETTE: What's wrong?

BUFFALO: Nothing. Just burned out a few hundred more synapses is all, but no matter.

JENNETTE: No matter?

BUFFALO: No gray matter... it's almost all gone now, after seeing you for two years. You're so fookin' beautiful you've melted my brains.

JENNETTE: That's the nicest obscene compliment I've had in a long time. Unfortunately, if it's true I won't be able to see you anymore.

BUFFALO: Come on, don't be stoopid, I was lying through my teeth. You're not my type at all.

JENNETTE: Why? What's wrong with me?

BUFFALO: You're married... and worse, you're not allowed to get it on with patients.

JENNETTE: Omigod, you really ARE in love with me, aren't you?

BUFFALO: Heavens, no... it's merely transference.

JENNETTE: Well, that's a relief. I think you're finally starting to make some progress. What's wrong? Why are you squinting like that?

BUFFALO: It's the sunlight reflecting off the juncture of your pantyhose. It's blinding me. Mind if I close the shades?

JENNETTE: Or I could pull my skirt down a bit, instead.

BUFFALO: God, no. Don't move, I'll get the shades.


DOTTY: That's not funny! You ****** ******!

BIRD & BUFFALO: Shut it!!

BIRD: Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


SPARKY: Back in 'Nam, we liked it short and sweet, man. Slam, wham, bam, thank you, 'Nam. But it was REAL good. Pretty colors.

BIRD: Wot the fook is he on about?

BUFFALO: Wish I knew, dude.

SPARKY: Watch yer wanger, man, the Charlie are everywhere. Good thing I got ma grenade ready.

BUFFALO: Omigod! Sparky, old chap, put that thing down.

SPARKY: They come anywhere near me and it's ka-boom time.

BUFFALO: Gimme that, you fookwit and a half!

SPARKY: Hey, man, that's mine. I want it back.

BUFFALO: Go and play with Cindy and yer friends. Now!

SPARKY: You be careful, Buff. Coz they're out there, waitin' and they're gonna get us.

BIRD: Jeez! You OK, Buff?

BUFFALO: Gimme a minute, will ya. Think I just soiled meself. Now where's the fookin' pin?


Tuesday, August 15, 2006




BIRD: Yes, Buff?

BUFFALO: Just got the design back for Bow Anchor Butt Jam.

BIRD: Great.

BUFFALO: Take a look.

BIRD: Wow. Cheeky! Is that a real butt?

BUFFALO: Dude, you don't want to know.


BUFFALO: It's a limited edition - 5,000. We'll see how it goes. If the white trailer trash like it, then we'll start shippin' it out, yes, sirree.

BIRD: Dude, can I ask how you make this jam, like?

BUFFALO: Uh, you can ask.

SPARKY: Hey, Buff! Think I got the last bits out, man.

BIRD: Gott und himmel! Selling Sparky by the pound.

BUFFALO: You got it.

BIRD: Is there nothing that guy won't do for our burgeoning empire and future material wellbeing?

BUFFALO: He won't do guys with Freddies.

BIRD: Fair nuff. Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Monday, August 14, 2006


DOTTY: I want to talk to the auld perv.

SPARKY: Gee, hey, sorry, man, Buff ain't in.

DOTTY: And you are?

SPARKY: Sparky, man. Who are you?

DOTTY: Dotty. A friend of the Birdman.

SPARKY: Cool. I knew a Dotty back in 'Nam. Heavy shit, man. We woz makin' the pretty colors, rockets and shit kaboomin' all over the horrorshow and I looked down and holy shitfire, Dotty had a Freddy! I got my sorry ass out of that hut quicker than a Roadrunner with a bow anchor rammed up his ass, man. Never saw her or her Freddy again. The horror...

DOTTY: That's not funny! You ffffffff******* ffffff******!

SPARKY: Got out of that fuggin' boat once too often, now I don't know where my Freddy's at, man.

DOTTY: What the fffff***** are you talking about?

BIRD: And in still further developments, a man fitting the description of a large randy auld Buffalo was spotted down by Lake Michigan early this morning just as the sun was rising disposing of a rather cheap and whiffy punctured inflatable doll affectionately known as Gloria Holes. In a ceremony that lasted a tad over five seconds, he gave the rubber goddess her last rites then sang "The blue bus is calling us..." The police decided not to intervene in what was clearly, as Officer Crowley declared, "some hippy pow-wow, jeez, this shit is good, where can I score some, you're really beautiful, I like your style, dude, let's get drunk and chuck up on the lake cos that's the way I like it, a-ha, a-ha, if we could see then what would the answer be boolshit".

FIFI: Film at eleven.

Sunday, August 13, 2006


BIRD: Rain again. Back to the duvet.

BUFFALO: Roastin' here, dude. Off for a good hosin'.

DOTTY: That's not funny! You ***** *****!

BIRD & BUFFALO: Shut it!!

FIFI: And in other developments, Puck has gone missing. If you see this man, ring, text, e-mail, blog, flog, bob us. Last seen with a rather limp octopus that goes by the name of Pussy, he is thought to be distraught and unapproachable. Offer him sweets and a good comic, pliz. Come back, Puck, ALL is forgiven!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

DOTTY: That's not funny! You **** ****!


FIFI: Film at eleven.

Saturday, August 12, 2006


FIFI: Thinking about entering a poetry competition - Wish I Was Dead, Hey, I'm Dead Already.

DOTTY: That's not funny, you **** *****!

FIFI: Shut it, you stoopid gal! Anyhows, as I was saying. I'm thinking about entering this poem for the competition. Whaddya think?

Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me,
Guess I'll go eat worms.

Long, fat, juicy worms
Little itsy-bitsy worms
Goooey worms
That wriggle when they squirm down.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
The worms play badminton on my snout.
They find new pathways to my brain
But I am dead and feel no pain.

Yes, no longer the cruel world's plaything,
I took my ball and bat, and went home to die.

BIRD: Mahvellous.

BUFFALO: Very postmodern.

BIRD: A revelation.

FIFI: Thanks, guys.

DOTTY: Well, I think...

BIRD, BUFFALO & FIFI: Shut it!!!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Friday, August 11, 2006


DOTTY: **** you, Birdy!

BIRD: Hi, Dotty.

DOTTY: So I went on a blind date. Stupid thing to do, really. And I got into the car and there she was…

BIRD: She?

DOTTY: Yeah, she. A ***** inflatable doll. I was sat there for ten ***** minutes waiting for him/her/it to speak. It was dark, OK. And then the dirty ***** broke wind and I said, you dirty ***** ***** ****! So, naturally, he/she/it didn’t move. So I leaned over and called he/she/it a silly **** and that’s when I realised it was all rubber. Naked **** rubber. Silicone tits and every **** other hole imaginable. So I punched the stupid **** and the ***** doll says straight back at me, “Hello, gorgeous, are you ready for your blow job now?” Well, **** that! ******** piece of ******!!

BIRD: That’s hilarious.

BUFFALO: Laffing me ass off here, dudes!

DOTTY: That’s not funny, you ffff******* c******!

BIRD: No, stop. I think I’m gonna soil myself.

BUFFALO: Same here, dudes. Wikkid!

DOTTY: So I thumped the doll on the head, at which point he/she/it burst and leaked a white splodge all over my dress. Most embarrassing!


DOTTY: What did I say? What did I say?

BIRD: Omigod. I think I’ve wet myself.

BUFFALO: Me too, dudes. You should do stand-up.

DOTTY: You fffffff***** c**********!

BIRD: Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Thursday, August 10, 2006


BIRD: Dotty's on the phone.

BUFFALO: Whossat?

BIRD: An old college pal. Great gal, but she has absolutely NO sense of humour.

BUFFALO: Wot, none whatsoever?

BIRD: I tell ya, it's getting me down. Her life is mirthless. She's been on courses, taken hundreds of therapies and treatments. And still nothing. She has NEVER laffed in her life.

BUFFALO: That's sad, dude. Can I help?

BIRD: You're her last chance, hactually. You see, she once confided in me that she found Sergeant Bilko mildly amusing. So... what with you being a big fan of Bilko an' all, I thought maybe if you tell some jokes about your wanger or some fart jokes, it might just work. I'm sure that once she starts laffing, she'll never stop, see.

BUFFALO: Always like a challenge, moi.

BIRD: OK, I'm putting her on now. Dotty, this is Buffalo, that durty auld perv I told you about.

BUFFALO: Hi, Dotty! How's it hanging?

DOTTY: What the ****! Who do you think you are, you big *****! **** off, you big ****! ********! ********! Birdy, I ***** hate people like him, the big *******. Tell him to ******* off! ************! And another thing, if you ********, I'll ********* your ******* off and then I'll ****** your ****** in a *******, so don't even think about it, you ******* ******* ********!!!

BIRD: Dotty? What did he say?

DOTTY: And you can **** off too! You big ***** ****!!!

BUFFALO: Well, that went well.

BIRD: Like a Bud in a nun.

BUFFALO: Birdy, that lady is fooked. Loop the loop, cuckoo at eleven, totally blammed.

BIRD: Looks like the end of a beautiful friendship.

BUFFALO: Oh, she'll be back. And we'll make her laff yet, you'll see.

BIRD: I do hope so. Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Sparky alert. Something's stirring in his cave. And it ain't his porridge.

BIRD: Oh, lummee!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


SPARKY: That is just too bloody cool, man. I read bedtime stories to Cindy too. About tall handsome men and damsels in distress and dragons and dungeons. Cindy has trouble sleeping too. When she was young, she was traumatized by an INCIDENT. She was in therapy for years and years and years, and then she met me, at the toy shop. And now she's as happy as a fly in ointment. But Judy, at the bowling alley, she gets SO jealous of her. When we go out for a bite at the diner, she INSISTS that I leave Cindy in the car. So I say, no way, Jose, ain't gonna leave no friend of mine locked up in the parking lot. And then Judy says, "You big jerkoff, she's just a doll, get over it." Just a doll? Just a doll?! Judy can be SO hurtful sometimes. But I've explained it all to Cindy and she's cool with it. Man, some people can be SO inconsiderate sometimes. What I say is we all gotta get along. 'Nam taught me that. 'Nam taught me a lotta things. Hold on to yer dream. That's what 'Nam taught me. And when you wake up, man, when you look at yourself in the mirror, it's cool. Everybody's cool. In their own way. And everybody's got their own mirror. Their own reflection. You know what I'm saying? Cos they're out there, and they're gonna get you, man. Sooner... or later. Come on, Cinders, let's go play. Later.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


BUFFALO: Still can't sleep, Fifi.

FIFI: Want to hear more about Drusilla?

BUFFALO: Yes, pliz.


"Eating caviar alone was not Drusilla’s idea of a lively night out. Nor was she used to being ignored. Time for a reality check. She delved into the sleeves of her shroud and found, amidst the lint and souvenirs, a cracked compact. She brushed away the grave dust from its mirror and peered at her image. Hmm. A little green around the gills. She pinched her cheeks for color. Her skin was a wee bit parchmenty, so she poked around in her left sleeve until she came up with a nearly squeezed-out tube of Oil of Olay. Pressing from the bottom up, she managed to release a good-sized dollop of the stuff, enough to do the trick. “That’s better,” she said, and winked at her reflection. “You still got it, kid.” She heard someone along the path. It was only Count Dracula loping by in his wolfish guise, hot on the trail of a nubile virgin. Times like these there was no talking to him. Once in a while he’d stop for a pre-dawn chat, but since Drusilla’s veins yielded formaldehyde, not blood, he rarely wasted his spectacular smiles on her. As she sat like an out-of-sorts Patience on her monument, she saw Buzz Bipple dragging toward her. At last, someone who would pay her some attention! Buzz was the least presentable haunt in the place, what with his molting pelt and his buck teeth that made him look like a garden rake in heat. Still, he fancied himself a ladies’ man, though he wasn’t particular and was said to chase anything in a shroud, male or female. Drusilla waved her arms to get his attention, her funereal raiment frantically flapping a distress signal. But Buzz didn’t stop. Pointing at his jaw, he mumbled, “Tooth ache! Going to the lagoon to find me some toads!” And Buzz buzzed off. To be rejected by the graveyard pariah was quite a comedown for the late Sweet Potato Queen of Swampwater County. Not one to suffer low esteem, Drusilla looked for possible sources of her sudden loss of appeal. “My clothes! They’re just plain dowdy, and this shroud—it’s so yesterday!"

To be continued...

BUFFALO: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

FIFI: Film at eleven.

Monday, August 07, 2006


SPARKY: Hey, this is really cool, man. I got a job. Well, y'know, it pays the bills. And I got my friends at the AA. I make the tea and stuff. Hand out the cookies. So I was wondering, er, what's this blog all about? Buff told me there's big bucks in it for me if I behave myself and stop showing my wanger in public. So what's the score, man?

BIRD: Well, Sparky, it's like this. There are thousands of fans out there glued to their screens, following the saga which is Sparky.

SPARKY: Hey, cool. Am I gonna be on The Late Show?

BIRD: Dude, you are gonna be presenting the Oscars next year.

SPARKY: Aw, shucks. Me? Really? Far out, man. I mean, woo, groovy. Can Cindy come too?

BIRD: Who's Cindy?

SPARKY: She's my doll. I never go anywhere without her. Say hi, Cindy. Hasn't she got the most amazing hair you've ever seen?

BIRD: Yeah. Charming. (Jeez...)

SPARKY: Cindy and I are THIS close. She is SO cool.

BUFFALO: Sparky? Sparky! Where are you, you pea-brained, nut-bladdered douche bag?

SPARKY: Oh, hi, Buff. Me and Cindy were just shooting the breeze with Birdy here.

BUFFALO: You introduced Cindy? Wow, Birdy, you ARE honored. Er, Sparky old chap, d'ya think you could give Birdy and moi a few minutes alone.

SPARKY: You got it, man. Cool. Come on, Cindy, love, let's go play in the cave.

BUFFALO: Oh, Jeez.

BIRD: Cindy, eh?

BUFFALO: I was going to tell ya, but... He takes the friggin' doll everywhere, even into the shower with him.

BIRD: Ah. Very touching. True friendship.

BUFFALO: 'Nam blew his mind, dude. Wait till he introduces you to his furry friends, poor looney fooker. Still, there's always the Toe Jam, like.

BIRD: He seems happy enuff.

BUFFALO: Oh, he's happy all right, along with his 250 "doll" friends, all lined up on his bed.

BIRD: Omigod.

BUFFALO: But Cindy's his "special" friend, you understand.

BIRD: I see.

BUFFALO: The head doc says if they make it through the next five years together, everything'll be fine.

BIRD: Lovely. Er, Buff, gotta go, got some sick pussies to attend to. Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

Sunday, August 06, 2006


BUFFALO: Fifi, sweetie.

FIFI: Yes, Buffo?

BUFFALO: Having trouble sleeping.

FIFI: Ah, diddums. Would you like me to read you a story?

BUFFALO: Ooh, yes, pliz!

FIFI: OK. It's called Night Nosh.

"Midnight. Drusilla, a wraith of a lass, sat picnicking upon a mossy tomb. She gnawed on a burnt chicken leg whilst dipping her spidery fingers into a platter of hors d’oevres: caviar, black truffles, and two kosher pickles blessed by the Pope. A ghoul she knew shimmered past. “Mort,” she called out, holding up a Champagne flute, “come join me for some bubbly.” “Don’t mean to nitpick your picnic,” said Mort, “but any ghoul worth his salt knows that vodka, icy as the grave, is the only proper accompaniment to caviar. Anyway, I’m on my way to a haunting at Skull and Bones. If I don’t hurry I won’t have a ghost of a chance to get there on time, and those deadbeat Yalies will dock my pay.” With that, Mort transmogrified into a moonbeam, and dazzled off. She was on her second chicken leg, this one embalmed in hot sauce (for a nightwind had kicked up and she was getting cold), when she heard the familiar clicks and clacks of Clem approaching. A lovable codger, his skull wore a broad smile (his only expression) as he gamely clicked along the cemetery path. “You look as though you could use some grub,” Drusilla shouted, since Clem had no ears and was hard of hearing. He answered in a voice that sounded like a grasshopper rubbing its hind legs together. “No thanks, Miss.” He pointed at his empty middle. “No guts. No stomach. No esophagus.” He chuckled, “Just a sarcophagus for me, Miss.” “Oh, Clem, you slay me!” Drusilla giggled as the spry oldster clacked away."

Did you like that?

BUFFALO: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

FIFI: Nightie night, mon ami. Film at eleven.

Saturday, August 05, 2006


BIRD: Buff, you're going TOO far now.

BUFFALO: C'mon, Birdy, Sparky ain't gonna need 'em, is he?

BIRD: Dude, you can't kill the chicken that lays the golden egg. He's only got a finite number of body parts, like, and then he's a gonna.

BUFFALO: True. OK, well, what if we uh... we could sell his stem cells so that people could grow their own Sparky body parts. We'll call it Sparky's All-Action Chewy Stem Cells!

BIRD: Hmm. Might work.

BUFFALO: And don't forget the macrame key chains and watch fobs woven from Sparky's ass hairs!

BIRD: Poor little Sparkers. Just a week ago, he was holed out in his cave watching Oprah and guzzling strawberry cream sodas and now he's A COMMODITY.

BUFFALO: Happens to the best of us.

FIFI: Boys, please be very careful. The tender little sap's heart might give out at any moment if you try to market too much of him.

BUFFALO: Hey, that's a point. We gotta keep him sweet or he might go wanger up afore we've set up the trust fund.

SPARKY: Hey, guys! Wuss happnin'?

BUFFALO: Oh, for fook's sake. I've warned you about appearing on the flog, Sparky, now get back to your box.

SPARKY: But y'all havin' such fun.

BUFFALO: Back, I say, or no more Muscatel!

SPARKY: Ah, Jeez. OK, man.

BIRD: Do you think he heard any of that?

BUFFALO: Nah, he's got his head up his ass tighter than a Bud up a nun.

BIRD: Oh, that's OK, then.

BUFFALO: Momma's the word.

BIRD: Film at eleven.

Friday, August 04, 2006


BUFFALO: You alive, Birdy?

BIRD: Barely.

BUFFALO: Wot ya been doing?

BIRD: Slapping labels on jam jars all night, dude.

BUFFALO: Yowzer. We're gonna be felicity rich, lad.

BIRD: If Sparky can keep producing the goods, like.

BUFFALO: Oh, don't worry about him. He's got enuff Toe Jam to wrap round the world six times.

BIRD: Way to go. Hey, maybe we need to branch out, start some different brands?

FIFI: Well, now that you mention it. I was thinking... How about apricock? That and lingonberry should do it. "If you're ever in a jam..."


FIFI: Film at eleven?

Thursday, August 03, 2006


BUFFALO: Laffing me ass off here, dude.

BIRD: Sumptuous. A triumph of modern literature.

FIFI: So glad you like it, boys.

BUFFALO: Like it? Fifi, sweetie, you've just become a poet.

BIRD: Wikkid!

BUFFALO: Wikkid!


BIRD: What the... Get him out of here!

BUFFALO: Sure. Sparky, go get in the shower, you smell like an elephant's wonger gone off.


BIRD: And now, guys and gals... the moment you've been waiting for, THE Limerick of the century. And keep them e-mails coming. You guys are SO funny.


She likes her jam with a wee bit o' blood
And her toast and eggs with a nice fried spud
But her fav'rite thing in all this world
Is Sparky in bed with his toes uncurled
When Sparky's jamming he's a bloody stud

To vote for this Limerick, send an e-mail to with the words "Totally Wikkid" in the body of the e-mail.

The Bird & Buffalo regret that they cannot engage in personal correspondence but guarantee that all your e-mails will be read and disposed of in an environmentally friendly way.

Arf, arf!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


Travel East or travel West
Sparky's Toe Jam is the best
Oh, how I love to lick each piggy
When we do the friggy-wiggy
Helping all that jam digest

copyright 2006, Fifi Lamour

To vote for this Limerick, send an e-mail to with "Wikkid" in the body of the e-mail.

Sorry, Sparky's Toe Jam is now SOLD OUT. But why not sign up for our newsletter which will let you know the instant new stocks arrive? Send an e-mail to with "More Toe Jam, pliz" in the body of the e-mail.


FIFI: Did you guys know that Toe Jam is a known aphrodisiac?

BIRD: Really?

FIFI: Kooky swears by it. Rubs it ALL over.

BUFFALO: Interesting... Think I'll stick to the Viagra for now, though, if it's all the same with you.

FIFI: Good for skin complaints too.

BIRD: Wow, that's fascinating. About your Limerick...

BUFFALO: Yeah. You said you were feeling left out.

FIFI: Kooky told you, right?

BIRD: Might have.

BUFFALO: So what ya got?

FIFI: I've got two, actually. Can't decide which one I like the best.

BIRD: OK, here's what we'll do. We'll post one, see what the fans think, then if it gets the thumbs-up we'll post the other. Does that sound fair?

FIFI: OK. Better go. Got a paradiddle to sort out.

BUFFALO: A para what?

BIRD: Don't ask.

FIFI: Miss you.

BUFFALO: Miss you too.

BIRD: Film at eleven.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


Is there something missing in your toe jam lately? Is it not what you've come to expect from a tickled foot fetish product? Then perhaps it's time to switch to Sparky's Toe Jam, picked fresh daily from the toes of authentic Middle Earth Hobbits. Yes, Sparky's Toe Jam is always uniformly smooth and delicious, and there's not a Hobbit foot hair in a bucketful. Ask for it by name, and if your grocer doesn't stock it, ask him why not? Remember, ask for Sparky's Toe Jam, when you care enough to spread the very best.


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You won't be sorry.