Wednesday, February 13, 2008

METAFIZZICKLE PREMONITION IN SLUMBERLAND

BUFFALO: You OK dere, Birdy?

BIRD: Nah. Can't sleep.

BUFFALO: Wassup?

BIRD: Had this dream.

BUFFALO: Oh, yeah. Bout wot?

BIRD: Phil Ossifee. Me and Wittgenstein were shooting da breeze, like.

BUFFALO: Jeez. Metafarcical, like. Go on.

BIRD: Well, Lud was saying that philosophical problems are not solved through finished experiments, and facts are not things, but are still useful.

BUFFALO: Fook! You lost me past the ice cream parlor there, Binky.

BIRD: So I said what about the directives? We point out directives then withdraw dissatisfied due to words and pieces of failures being similar.

BUFFALO: Dude, wot the fook are you talking about?

BIRD: Patience, o bovine one, I'm getting to the punch line. So Lud said "The meaning of a word is to be defined by the rules for its use, not by the feeling that attaches to the word."

BUFFALO: O Jeez!

BIRD: So that got me thinking. What support does that word have? Moreover, what rights does that word have? Does that word have a say in being used? Are we not all the oppressors and abusers of words? Should we not now liberate all words and forfeit language as our punishment?

BUFFALO: Dude, I'm contacting the NHS of Great Britain for an ambulance. What did I tell you about sniffing your own follicle jam, huh?

BIRD: Lud goes on about grammar. Bugger grammar. The issue of lexicological empowerment and liberation is THE fundamental question. Well, Lud took this badly, natch. He's never had anyone answer him back, especially in a dream. So do you know what he did?

BUFFALO: Nope. Like I give a flying tranny. But enlighten us, Einstein.

BIRD: He said p = denial then took a gun and shot his brains out. You know that means?

BUFFALO: That Wittgenstein was talking out of his ass?

BIRD: Exactly. He was afraid of words. Couldn't face them. Suspected they would betray him in the end. As they always do. Fook it! It's so obvious, staring us all in the face.

BUFFALO: Wunderbar, Lucy. Now do you think we could get on to my problems now, ie my impending mental meltdown and relationship breakdown with the only gal I've ever loved?

BIRD: Words, Buff. Can't live together. Can't be apart. It's all there, you know. Always was. They want to play with us. But we don't know how. Any ideas?

BUFFALO: Is that the U of K NHS Direct Hospitalise Dangerous Elements Before They Hospitalise You? Yeah, I've got another customer. Should keep ya busy for a few decades. Name of Bird. No previous incendiaries. You better hurry. He's got an attack of the verbals and right now, nobody knows where it's going to lead. Thanking you, Nurse.

Lexiphilosofickleocological horrorshow at eleven. Arf, arf!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

REASONS TO BE TEARFUL PART 1

BUFFALO: This just in from the head doc: Inappropriate or exaggerated responses to situations; excessive restlessness; drowsiness; worrying excessively; reduced confidence; mood swings; indecisiveness; poor concentration; trembling, sweating; lethargy; social withdrawal; irritability or anger; intoxication; dramatic weight loss or gain; change in personal hygiene or dress; feeling helpless or hopeless; being isolated; threatening or dangerous behaviour; bizarre behaviour or thinking and recurring bouts of emotional diarrhoea. Dude, I'm fooked!

Monday, February 11, 2008

BANGED AGAIN! @@banged.com

WARNING: PARENTAL ADVISORY, UH DERISORY. THIS EXCERPT CONTAINS THE YO! SEAL OF APPROVAL

THE ARSE**** LITERARY REVULSION GOES ON, FROM BANGED!, A STORY WITHIN A STORY WITHIN A VANILLA FUDGE BOMB OF THE SYMBIOITIC UNKIND. OUR HEROINE IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT JUST EXACTLY WHAT MAKES THE FREDDY TIME BOMB TICK...

But Bo wasn’t listening. For every x there’s a y. For every positive there’s a negative. For every up there’s a down. You get the idea.

“But I want my Clarissa back!”

Still Bo said nothing.

“What the ****’s going on?” Chuck blurted out from the corner of the mirror.

Carla stroked the smooth tip of her new-grown member. “Sorry there, Chuck, it would appear that I’m not a woman at all, but a… well, uh, transsexual. Yeah, that’s the one. I’m on gender reassignment. A man trapped in a woman’s body. How’d ya like my Freddy?” She swung it up and down. “Kinda cute, ain’t he? 12 inches of pure pleasure. Don’t it make ya want to just get down and give it a good suck?”

Chuck took a few steps back towards the cubicles.

“Hey, don’t be shy, Chuck. I’m a woman, really, only I got a Freddy too. Come on, it’s no big deal. Try it, you’ll like it.”

Chuck backed into the cubicle door with a clunk. “Hell, I only came in here to tell you that your plane’s leaving early and you’ve got to check in. I don’t want no kinky stuff. Jesus, poor Clifford!”

“Poor Clifford, nuts! If you ain’t tried it, you don’t know what you’re missing.” Yeah, maybe, but I wish I could have that sweet little pouch I used to have.

Her Freddy got longer and stiffer. Suddenly, she felt the sensation a man must feel when somebody rubs the skin up and down.

“Ooh, it’s not as bad as I thought. Say, Chuck, could you see your way round to giving me a quick blowjob before the plane leaves? Pretty please.”

Chuck shook his head. “Hey, no way, I ain’t no gay. Got a family too to prove it.”

She ripped open her blouse, her nipples stood to attention. “Well, I ain’t no man. Fix your lips on these.”

Chuck waved his hand from left to right. “Sorry, Carla, but this ain’t right.”

She squeezed her left breast enticingly. “Aw, come on. Don’t tell me you’ve never fantasized about doing a tranny in the john… just a little.”

“Nope.”

“Well, will you just jerk me off then? Have mercy on a poor lil’ ol’ tranny. I ain’t had sex for a hell of a long time, and I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

“From where I’m looking, you’re doing a mighty fine job of jerking yourself off.”

“So if you ain’t interested, Chuck, why you got a stiffy in them there pants of yours?”

Chuck looked down. The bulge was considerable. “Uh, I don’t rightly know. Guess I’m confused.”

TO BE CONTINUED...

Thursday, February 07, 2008

THE GREATEST SENTENCE EVER WRITTEN Q BUFFTERS

AS VOTED FOR BY THE WORLD FORUM FOR PHILOLOGICAL UNIVERSALITY IN THE ORIFICIAL MIND

I might as well stick a Roman candle up me ass and expect to speak fluent Latin.

BUFFALUS INTELLIGENTUS