Monday, March 31, 2008


BUFFALO: Hey, buddy! Fancy seeing you here. Get this, dude. I've got a date with Audrey Horne.

THE HUDSTER: Audrey Horne? That name sounds familiar. Did we go to school with her?


THE HUDSTER: Well, where's she from, then?

BUFFALO: Twin Peaks, berky.

THE HUDSTER: Waa? Twin Peaks? Like the fookin' TV show?


THE HUDSTER: Audrey Horne, huh?


THE HUDSTER: Dude, wasn't she the chick that could eat a cherry and tie the stem in a knot with her tongue?

BUFFALO: Jawohl, Mein Herring.

THE HUDSTER: What was her name? Her real name, I mean.

BUFFALO: Sherilyn Fenn.

THE HUDSTER: Sherilyn Fenn. Hey, she was the smokin' hot chick that had the hots for Kyle McLaughlan, right?

BUFFALO: The very one.

THE HUDSTER: She had incredible eyebrows. So you're telling me that you have a date with Sherilyn Fenn?

BUFFALO: No, you plank, get the shit out of your ears, I have a date with Audrey Horne.

THE HUDSTER: Oh, OK. Right, dude, Audrey Horne, the fictional character.

BUFFALO: That's right.

THE HUDSTER: I get it. I think. So where are you picking her up?

BUFFALO: We're going to The Great Northern.

THE HUDSTER: That monster ass hotel where she lived? The one that was owned by her father, what'shisname...

BUFFALO: Ben Horne.

THE HUDSTER: And he had a brother, right, a short-assed little twerp...


THE HUDSTER: Right! Ben and Jerry, like the two ice cream moguls.

BUFFALO: Precisely.

THE HUDSTER: And you're picking her up where?

BUFFALO: Here, dude.

THE HUDSTER: Dude, are you on the bug juice again?

BUFFALO: Nope. I only just got here. Are you hearing that? The Laura Palmer theme song? This cafe rocks, donnit?

THE HUDSTER: The Friars? It's OK.

BUFFALO: Not The Friars, dude. This place, the RR Cafe. Every drop of coffee, every piece of pie. It's beautiful, dude. Just seeing all this for the first time with new eyes. D'you know Special Agent Dale Cooper hasn't got a mean bone in his body? Utterly charming, utterly naive. And that's how I'm gonna be from now on. At least till Audrey shows. You know what I realised about this film I call my life? That all the cruel things said and done to me just make me say and do cruel things. Don't rise to it, Dale says. You want redemption, forgiveness, salvation, love? It's through that door, that one over there, the one that Audrey Horne just walked through. And now, mon amici, you're on your own.

Audrey, hi! Over here!

SHERILYN FENN: Dale, good to see you.

(Telephone rings for several minutes then stops)


Sunday, March 09, 2008


I'm high on the hog
The hog likes me
And I like he
Over here little hog
Come hog me

BIRD: Bootiful, Fifi. Woolly bootiful.

BUFFALO: Yup. Sorry, gotta run. Laters.

BIRD: The grimulations of an active bowel.

BUFFALO: In the one eyed land of the king the constipated is unshaven, or sumfink like that.

BIRD: Been in the raspberry dip again, I see.

BUFFALO: An active behind leads to active mind.

BIRD: Can't argue with that. But where have all the good times gone?

BUFFALO: It's coming, dude. Tally-ho, Mr Toe.

BIRD: Jam at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!