WALTER EGO JNR: You're wasting your time.
BIRD: Put a sock in it, will ya? I do what I like when I like and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
WALTER EGO JNR: Nobody'll remember you when you're gone.
BIRD: Seize the day, dude. That's what I'm doing. History can take care of itself.
WALTER EGO JNR: You'll get killed in a stoopid accident, I know you will.
BIRD: Well, as long as it's not on the toilet with my trowzers down, I couldn't give a flying Monty.
WALTER EGO JNR: Your mug'll be all over the papers and on the TV as the most ridiculous death ever. People in their millions will piss themselves laffing at you.
BIRD: Great. That's what I've been trying to achieve in life. If I can do it in death, that's the next best thing.
WALTER EGO JNR: You poor deluded fooker. You're a speck of dust, that's all. LESS than a speck of dust. That will disappear without trace.
BIRD: Listen, nutjob-jerkoff, I'm in a good mood today and NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING is going to change that, so go pick on someone your own size.
WALTER EGO JNR: That dream you had last night, the one about all the water and the headless corpse in the bin bag floating down the Thames... it means something, dude.
BIRD: Yeah, it means you've been fooking with my sub-conscious again. How can I believe a word you say when you come up with all this Freudian bullshit at night just to get my attention? It's sad.
WALTER EGO JNR: Dude, you've got issues. It's time to deal with them.
BIRD: Any issues I've got, me and Buff sort out, WITHOUT you. You are redundant and you know it.
WALTER EGO JNR: We're two sides of the coin, Birdy-Wirdy. The reflection in the mirror and the face in front of the mirror. Yin and Yang, Dark and Light, Chas and Dave, till death do us part.
BIRD: Yeah, and you can't bear it that I have all the fun and you're left feeding on the scraps.
WALTER EGO JNR: You need me. Admit it. Without me you're nothing.
BIRD: I need you, Walt, like an ulcer needs a sore, like a hole needs a head. Deal with it, dude. There's work to be done. Let's get to it.
WALTER EGO JNR: Poetic prickster. Words, words, words. It's not enough. It never is.
BIRD: It's all I got. Like me old gran used to say, if you can't fart through your arse you gotta let it out somewhere else.
WALTER EGO JNR: Eh?
BIRD: Film at eleven, dude.
WALTER EGO JNR: Fart through your arse...
BIRD: Arf, arf!