BUFFALO: So how'd the interview go, Birdy?
BIRD: Well, Buff, old chum, it went something like this...
DICK XXX: So Mr Bird, you want to be in my movie?
BIRD: Er, well, yeah, if that's all right.
DICK XXX: OK. There's just a few routine questions I need to ask before we proceed further.
DICK XXX: Right. Have you got a penis?
BIRD: Er, I did have, the last time I looked, like.
DICK XXX: Good. Good. Have you ever been an arse double before?
BIRD: No, can't say that I have.
DICK XXX: Do you cry during sad movies?
BIRD: Nope. Usually I vomit, like.
DICK XXX: Have you ever laid under the stars?
BIRD: Yes, by a very attractive brunette. She was visiting a friend of mine, a local sculptor. We had an impromptu picnic behind the YMCA – on a grassy slope. We shagged like otters on a patchwork quilt. One of the best days of my life, hactually.
DICK XXX: Have you ever sat on a woman's pride and joy in anger?
BIRD: Never. Only with deep respect. (sighs)
DICK XXX: What's under your bed right now?
BIRD: Er, two dumbbells, 30 copies of Which Thumbscrew magazine and an inflatable octopus.
DICK XXX: Ice cream or cheese cake?
BIRD: Cheese cake.
DICK XXX: Up or down?
DICK XXX: In or out?
DICK: Karma or Kama?
BIRD: Oh... Er, could you repeat the question?
DICK XXX: Karma or Kama?
BIRD: Oh, dear. Um...
DICK XXX: Have to hurry you.
DICK XXX: Black or white?
DICK XXX: Pink or green?
DICK XXX: Light or dark?
DICK XXX: Left or right?
DICK XXX: Say "Ahhhh!"
DICK XXX: Say "Ahhhhhh!"
DICK XXX: Say "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
DICK XXX: Well done, Mr Bird. Next!
BIRD: But but but but but but...
DICK XXX: Yes?
BIRD: How did I do?
DICK XXX: Spiffing. Sparkling. Gazunda-roo.
BIRD: So I got the job?
DICK XXX: No. We don't give high-profile arse double jobs to pathological liars. Good day!
BIRD: So, you see, Buff, that was that.
BIRD: Absolutely. Don't write the cheque out, Momma!
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!