THE BIRD & BUFFALO WISH TO EXTEND THEIR SINCERE THANKS TO THE MEMOIRS OF A STONER AT http://memoirsofastoner.blogspot.com/
FOR PROVIDING THIS MOST ENRAPTULATING YET ULTIMATELY HUMILIATING AUTOMATED QUESTIONNAIRE.
BIRD: It says here once you press the button, answer the automated questions fairly and squarely in real time. If you try to pause the recording, you will, and I quote, “be erased from the cyberspace automated database FOREVER”.
BIRD: Y’all ready for this?
BIRD: Remember, we gotta be quick, coz we’re both answering at the same time.
BUFFALO: And once we’ve done this, we’ll get 1,000 smackeroos plus a top 100 Technorati listing and unlimited publicity for the remainder of our pitiful yet prodigious creative lives?
BUFFALO: OK. Run Podcast!
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Gender?
BUFFALO: 100% alpha male. Honorary member of the World Permanent Woody Society. Macho. Masculine. Hairy.
BIRD: Predominantly male with feminine ways.
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Sexual orientation?
BUFFALO: Absolutely, whenever I can find it. Prefer animate objects, but old ladies with failing eyesight can be fun.
BIRD: Women with engaging smiles and impeccable upbringing, like me missus, like.
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Race?
BUFFALO: Human with a smattering of Bison.
BIRD: Er, ditto with mammarian improprieties.
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Religion?
BUFFALO: Fully fledged worshipper at the Church of Mount Vulva.
BIRD: Omigod! Er, um, Church of England agnostic, Buddhist on Mondays.
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Political Affiliation?
BUFFALO: Free Passage To Any Passage For Buffalos With Blutwurst.
BIRD: Free Trade For Rabbits’ Scrotums From Pubistan League. If I get the cheque, like.
BUFFALO: Hey, I like that.
BIRD: Thanks, dude.
BUFFALO: Right back at ya.
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Peanut butter?
BUFFALO: Only if it won’t go in, like. Oder Wise, strawberries and cream.
BIRD: You darty dawg. What was the question?
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Milk?
BUFFALO: Straight from da udder.
BIRD: Semi-skimmed, preferably pasteurized.
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Cats?
BUFFALO: No, thanks.
BIRD: British short-haired, one previous owner.
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Dogs?
BUFFALO: Rufffff, rufffff!
BIRD: Border collie, preferably called Shep.
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
BIRD: Shhh. We haven’t finished yet…
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: City?
BUFFALO: Motown, dude, and PROUD of it.
BIRD: London town.
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Country?
BUFFALO: Yes, pliz. As often as possible.
BIRD: Dude, that’s coun-try. Where you live.
BUFFALO: Oh. Er, da United States of Yanking, natch.
BIRD: The United…
AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Thank you for your patience. Your answers will now be processed and placed on the FBI database as evidence in future prosecutions.
BIRD & BUFFALO: What?!
AUTOMATIC QUESTIONER: Film at eleven.