WHEN THE FIFI TAPES WERE FIRST PUBLISHED IN NEWS PRICK FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, THE WORLD WAS STUNNED & CURIOUSLY AROUSED. NOW IN A LONG-OVERDUE RETROSPECTIVE, THE ORIGINAL INTERVIEWER, SOME SAY SALACIOUS TOAD WITH A PERMANENT STIFFY, RETRACES WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO SMASH THE QUASI-ETHEREAL BANALITIES OF EXISTENCE, AND EXPLORES THE SUBSEQUENT CATHARTIC REAWAKENING OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE GODDESS TO EVER COMBUST IN CYBERSPACE
JERRY ARSHLICKER: You said fifteen years ago you were shocked by the furore the tapes caused. How do you think people would react today?
FIFI: Time is circular. How the sands of time run through my fingers. Yoick!
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Hm. Do you regret anything you said then?
FIFI: His was full-on but no tongue. Mine was a bit more guarded. What more can I say?
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Perhaps it’s not what you say, or said even, but what you do, did?
FIFI: Oh, I don’t know. All desire left me and I retreated to my bills and my bathroom floor.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Yes. Tell me about your bathroom floor. I gather it’s been a great source of solace over the years.
FIFI: Oh, you know, it’s much like any other, but it’s mine.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: I see. You said before we started that there would be no topics off-limits. With that in mind, I’d like to ask you about Noel and the all-night tea parties.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: What was it about Noel that first attracted you to him?
FIFI: We aren’t talking tea and crumpets here. Danger lurked behind that mysterious dark exterior.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: So you were frightened and aroused in his company?
FIFI: As free as a boid! A caged canary.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Did you have any inkling then that he’d wind up face down butt nekkid in a vat of vanilla and toffee crunch at Ben & Jerry’s?
FIFI: Well, he always had a sweet tooth and he often likened orgasm to a choc ice, so I suppose yes.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Do you regret now introducing him to the banana split?
FIFI: Not really. I’d had a craving for one and I knew he’d like it. All our desires were fulfilled.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: But for that craving, Noel might still be alive. You must feel some pang of guilt, surely?
FIFI: It will happen when it happens. The world spins on.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: So, no regrets.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: I’d like to bring up the thorny topic of the Pope, if I may.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: It seems to me that your life has been dominated by the Pope and the search for extreme self-gratification. Is that a fair analysis?
FIFI: You stop that right now, or I’ll tan your bottom.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: So, I take it you’d rather not talk about it?
FIFI: Don’t get me started. Oh, OK. Did you hear that The Pope is abolishing Limbo? He's throwing hundreds and thousands of unbaptized babies out in the cold. No diapers. Babies without a country. They can join all the people who went to hell for eating meat. Wonder where they're wandering? The stockyards?
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Is that a yes, then, to my question?
FIFI: Then all the saints that are no more. I hear tell their golden crowns were all melted for bouillion. Is it for God's coffers or the Pope's? In job applications they could list 'former saint'.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Indeed. You raise some interesting issues. What do you think all those years in the gutter have taught you?
FIFI: Patience, my darling. Good things come in time. Sometimes life sparkles brightly and leads folks to beguiling paths. Sometimes that life holds responsibilities and duties that take precedence over a quick appearance in digital, delightful though it may be. Sometimes old friends must be comforted.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Which brings me on to your collaboration with The Bird & Buffalo. Would it be fair to say your encounters with these goons, especially with the auld perv, have re-energized a tired, flagging career?
FIFI: The lady only accepts rubies and poils.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Finally, knowing what you know now, is there anything you would’ve done differently fifteen years ago?
FIFI: I don’t like air conditioners; much prefer fans. I'd never had one before, but last summer someone gave me a used one, and it helped some.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: Thank you so much for talking to me again, Fifi. Still got the stiffy.
FIFI: You forgot to plug my new book, Arshlicker!
JERRY ARSHLICKER: So I did. Briefly, in the dying seconds of this scintillating reunion of minds and bodies, just tell us how you came to write it.
FIFI: Earlier last fall, whilst slurping canned lentil soup (lo how the mighty have fallen) the whole idea came to me & I dropped the spoon, picked up a pencil, and began writing furiously when--the phone rang and I made the mistake of picking it up.
JERRY ARSHLICKER: That’s quite incredible. And Fifi Lamour’s slice it up and spit it out and lick what’s left over autobiography If This Is Tuesday I Must Be In Heaven, is out this Friday and will be available from all reputable retailers. Still no chance of a shag?
FIFI: Dreamy, lovely, but useless.
IF YOU’D LIKE TO TALK TO FIFI LAMOUR ABOUT HER AUTOBIOGRAPHY ON BIRD & BUFFALO INTERACTIVE, WRITE TO US AT email@example.com
SHORTLY AFTER THIS INTERVIEW WAS RECORDED, JERRY ARSHLICKER DISAPPEARED UNDER A CLOUD AND WAS LAST SEEN IN RIO WITH A BRAZILIAN TRANNY NAMED RUPERT, BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY, PROBABLY NEVER TO BE TOLD.
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