BIRD: Love, love, love. I know, you're expecting another tired old blog entry about the one thing that - sometimes - separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. But habitually, I want to draw your attention to something else - the curious frequency of bad happenings with those amongst you who have come into contact with Lucinda. Blawwww, I hear you say. There's more than one Lucinda, and some Lucindas are quite nice - kinda hot too. But when I sent out a questionnaire to blokes around the whirled about the deep hurt they've encountered in their oftenwhile miserable lives, one name kept cropping up again and again - Lucinda. So... I was inverting that maybe there is one Lucinda who is to blame for the exponential increase in handkerchief sales since 1997. From 200,000 a year since 1945 to a whopping 3.67 million a year in 2006. Sure Lee, no coincidence.
To put this into some dire consequence, here is just a cross section of the comments from blokes who should know better:
Rod Dickfurbrains(real name withheld pending legal arguments):
Everything was fine until I mentioned that word (Love. ed.) That night she tattooed the word "Loser!" on my Freddy. Mom says I shouldn't take it lying down. I keep telling her, it won't stand up anymore. God, I miss her!
Norm Dummyassholler (as above)
She smiled a lot and then soiled my sheets. I need closure. Sorry. Gotta go now. There's a man at a door with a syringe.
Mort Allfool (as above)
That's not love. I wouldn't feed it to my dog.
Dez Emboweld (as above)
She was. We were. I am. No more.
Sohahi Domigachi Mark I (as above)
My flower was removed of its petals. My lawyer seeks my satisfaction.
So you see, it's quite serious. Now, it would appear that there is a common needle running through all these blokes' threads. But... is it just the one Lucinda or many? Let's look at the evidence. They all speak of loss. They all find it hard to fully express themselves. And they all feel that Lucinda never loved them. I'd say that's enough empirical data to draw the convolution that more than likely it is THE SAME LUCINDA, and indeed after compelling new evidence from a supergrass in Arizona named Buster (real name, habitually, this guy is built like a brick shite house and has been fed on live barn owls from an early age) I can announce to the infamodular world cyber community that LUCINDA is NOT her real name. Now... the question is will CLARA DOTTY come clean or does this blog have to make her?! Personally, I reckon we have to make her.
So, it is time to extract a punishment that befits the crime, and for that, I turn to you, oh esteemed cyber dwellers.
You have until July 1st 2007 to suggest an appropriate fate for Potty Dotty's granny - yes, granny! - and Friends Of The Bird & Buff shall undergo the necessary performance on a heath of our choosing.
So without further igloo, start suggesting... NOW!
DISCLAIMER: The Bird & Buffalo would like to point out that Clarissa Braithwaite "Knockers" Dotty was not harmed in the writing of this blog entry and is being kept in relative obduracy and being fed a nutritious diet of fruit, fibre, meat and two veg until Judgement Day. For those disensatiated by this disclaimer, may we refer you to the following disclaimer which aptly reiterates everything anyone has ever wanted to say about disclaimers in the long and varicated history of disclaimers. Peace be unto the derivables!