Tuesday, January 09, 2007

ICEBERG HORNSWOGGLE AKA HELP! THIS SHIP IS SINKING!

BUFFALO: I see that a 25 square mile chunk of ice fell off one of the polar ice caps yesterday.

BIRD: Aw, that’s nice.

BUFFALO: Dude, there were a lot of polar bears on that ice, who are now wondering what the fook is happening. Now what if we towed that chunk of ice to the Caribbean, melted it, bottled it as Iceberg Water, millions of years old, and sold it for a cool five dollars a bottle?

BIRD: Er, dude, have you considered all those polar bears that pissed on it before they divebombed into the ocean, like?

BUFFALO: OK. Right. We’ll change the labels, bung in some bubbles and call it Iceberg Lemonade!

BIRD: Bwilliant! Right, now who do we know with a boat?

BUFFALO: Well, Sparky was in the merchant navy. He could be our skipper. And we could hire a boat.

BIRD: Which would cost?

BUFFALO: A lot of dineros. Oh, fook it. Back to poverty. Oh, well, it's moot... we'll be at war with China soon, is my guess... seein' as how they're going to give billions to Iran to develop nooks, and the Yellow Peril is building aircraft carriers, which means they plan to operate in the Persian Gulf. They're gearing up to take control of the oil fields in the Middle East, with Iran as their partner. When that happens, somebody is going to nook somebody. If Russia doesn't jump in first, or form a new Axis with China and Iran, Iran et al. will nook Israel, and the Israelis will level their enemies, things will escalate into a supernatural donnybrook, and then... goodnight Irene. I just hope that you and me have a chance to go on a three day pisser in East Fenwick or Amsterdam before the shit hits the fan and our Freddies are glowing in the dark, dude.

BIRD: 2007, yippee! Ka-boom! Waaaaaaa!

BUFFALO: Where’s that smartass sleuth when you need him, eh?

BIRD: Sherlock? He’ll be here. He’ll save us.

BUFFALO: Three cheers for Sherlock Holmes. Hip, hip…

BIRD: Hooray!

BUFFALO: Hip, hip…

BIRD: Hooray!

BUFFALO: Hip, hip…

BIRD: Hooray!

EXIT BUFFALO & BIRD STAGE LEFT

HOLMES: You see, Watson? I told you they still needed us on their blog what what what.

WATSON: Indeed you did, Holmes. Quite astounding.

HOLMES: Put the kettle on, would you, old bean? There’s work to do.

WATSON: Righty-ho, Holmes. I say, this is exciting. We’re going to save the world from imminent disaster…again! It really doesn’t get any better than this, does it?

HOLMES: Two sugars, old chap, and no scrimping on the Rich Tea biscuits.

WATSON: Right you are, Holmes. Coming right up.

2 comments:

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birdandbuffalo said...

Great writing, dude. Whatever it is yer smokin', pass it around why don't ya?

Birdy