ARTY ANUS IN DISTRESS & THICKENING PLOTS

WATSON: I say, Holmes.

HOLMES: Yes, Watson?

WATSON: Says here that artificial anus chappie…

HOLMES: Arty.

WATSON: Quite. Says he’s been smuggled out of Cuba in Pubistan’s diplomatic pouch.

HOLMES: Curiouser ad nauseum. Why so?

WATSON: Apparently, relations between the two republics have been decidedly frosty since Pubistan’s president Hazam Riyorebollokov rebuked Fidel for “ogling Miss Pubistan 2006, his daughter Fuzilla Hamzanella Riyorebollokov, in a highly suggestive and desirous manner incompatible with one’s internationalist socialist duty”.

HOLMES: Dash it, old boy, do you mean Fidel wanted to give her one, as they say in common parlance?

WATSON: Indeed he did. And Fidel cancelling the importation of hundreds of thousands of rabbits’ scrotums didn’t go down very well in Pubistan, either.

HOLMES: Has Cuba declared war on Pubistan yet?

WATSON: Methinks it can only be but a matter of time. They've dispatched their navy - a rubber dinghy with a lawn mower motor on, maximum speed 30mph with a headwind - to mount a surprise attack on Pubistan.

HOLMES: But isn't Pubistan landlocked?

WATSON: It is.

HOLMES: There’s something not right here, Watson. Why on earth would Arty want to escape to the most vicious command economy in the world where if your surname isn’t Ripyorebollockov, you can face prison or death by ten thousand rabbit nibbles?

WATSON: Ah, yes, well, here’s the rub, Holmes. Rumour has it that poor little Arty was kidnapped.

HOLMES: Ha! Now we’re getting somewhere, Watty.

WATSON: On account that President Hazam Ripyorebollockov is suffering from acute bunghole absentilitis.

HOLMES: Good grief, man! You mean he too is in need of an anus?

WATSON: Most urgently. So far all the rabbit bumhole transplants have been rejected.

HOLMES: I’d pay good money to see one of them.

WATSON: Well, it’s funny you should say that…

HOLMES: I know, it’s in the supplement. Toby! Toby, come back here! Confound that smelly blood hound. Watson…

WATSON: On my way, Holmes.

HOLMES: Hmm, and it says here that Pubistan is now the foremost command economy, according to financeplanner.com. Most intriguing. http://www.financeplanner.com/?blog:economy:command-economy

MRS HUDSON: Sorry to disturb you, Mr Sherlock, there’s a Mr Borat to see you.

HOLMES: Ah! A most welcome development. Show him in, Hudders. The plot thickens…