Sunday, April 28, 2013


Poor, poor Penny. What did she do to deserve an encounter with an incorrigible reprobate like our very own Buff? Answer - not a lot. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. To be precise, leaving her dressing room for a quick snog with Leonard, but... as we've seen from the previous post, our intrepid alleviators and educators caught her metaphorically with her panties down. Oh, and what a sight it was. To find out what happened, read on. To stop being so nosy, read on. To spread the shame and embarrassment just that little bit more, read on. To see Penny and the Big Bang Theory and every other combination of atoms in a different light, read on. To feel extremely naughty and debauched at the same time, read on.


DISCLAIMER: All dialogue is said in character and in no way expresses the actors, actresses or others' views on anything or anyone else. Thank the Lord.

BUFFALO: Hey, dere, Penny!

PENNY: Huh? Do I know you?

BUFFALO: Nope. And I know very little about you, but I'm willing to learn.

PENNY: And who are you?

BIRD: I'm with him.

PENNY: Uh, should I call Security? Or do you naturally dribble down your face when you see a woman.

BUFFALO: Now don't be like that, Penny Wenny. I've waited a long time for this. And I must say I'm liking what I'm seeing.

PENNY: Can somebody remove this creep from the building, like, now?

BIRD: It won't be easy. He's got a pass, you see.

PENNY: Got a pass? How'd he manage that?

BUFFALO: We, that's Birdy and me, have just been filming a Christmas special with Sheldon and Leonard.

PENNY: No shit! How come I don't know anything about it?

BIRD: You were invited to participate but you declined.

PENNY: Ah, now I get it. You're the wackos from the blog our producer's been raving about. Jesus, I knew you guys were weird, but...

BUFFALO: Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet, Penny poos. Suffice to say, the Freddy's a-rising over here.

PENNY: What?! Someone, help, I'm being leered over by some deranged reprobate!

BUFFALO: Well, I'd take it as a compliment if I were you. Freddy's not poked his head up towards daylight for some time now. You really are very special. Me Freddy lives again! I just can't thank you enough!

PENNY: Police! Security! Anyone?!

BUFFALO: Don't be alarmed, my dearest, sweetest, sweety pie blonde of the balcony most ample. Just answer me this. May I be allowed to linger astride your bing cherries awhile?

PENNY: Oh, per-leeze! You're not lingering astride my bing cherries or anything else. You're a disgusting old pervert. Now go away.

BIRD: Please don't encourage him, Penny. You'll only make him worse. And whatever you do, don't start talking dirty.

BUFFALO: Oh, I wish you would. Nothing gets the old nectar flowing quicker than a bit of nasty- wasty, get down and dirty till you're really filthy tittle-tattle.

PENNY: You are unbelievable, you know that? You know how we deal with low-lifes like you back in Nebraska?


PENNY: It usually involves a sharp kick to a very tender spot. Now is that what you want?

BUFFALO: Well, I suppose it'd be a start. Really, Birdy, she is truly as divinely hot as you said she was. If only the gods would allow me to worship unfettered at her altar! I swear, Penny, my angel, my intentions are purely honourable.

PENNY: Yeah, right!

BUFFALO: Never knowingly caught short in the dispensing of satisfaction department, if you get my drift.

PENNY: Eck! You're his friend, what do I have to do to make him realise it's not going to happen?

BIRD: Well, you could try being nice to him.

PENNY: Really?

BIRD: Yep.

PENNY: OK. Now listen here, whatsyername...

BUFFALO: Call me Buff.

PENNY: Buff. Now listen here, Buff... Do you think you could stop dribbling when I'm talking to you?


PENNY: Good. Now listen here, Buff, the thing is, uh, I'm with Leonard.


PENNY: And he's kinda funny about this sort of thing. You know, advances from other men, so on this occasion I regret to tell you that unfortunately I can't take you up on your kind offer with the bing cherries and all. Leonard means way too much to me to jeopardise everything over such a terrible reprobate as your good self.

BUFFALO: Oh well, why didn't you say? And there I was under the impression that you'd had your wicked way with everyone on the set, even with Sheldon although that episode was later dropped because the producer said the biology didn't add up, if you get my steer.

PENNY: Well, I'm sorry to tell you that you've been misinformed. And if Shedon and Raj, and Howard for that matter try to tell you otherwise don't believe a word of it. I may have played fast and loose back in Nebraska but my contract's most specific on this subject, and I quote "Leonard only or you're toast".

BUFFALO: I see. Oh, I so longed to show you the true meaning of the big bang theory in all its cosmic orgasmic glory, but alas, I have been undone by an unseemly and totally unreasonable clause. 'Twas ever thus.

PENNY: Aw, shucks. You're not so bad after all.

BUFFALO: Here. My card. Should you ever decide to renegotiate, or quit the show, or get fired even, ring me.

PENNY: I may just do that, Buffo!


BIRD: What a lovely lady.

BUFFALO: Isn't she just? Such a shame the lawyers got in the way.

BIRD: Oh, you never know. She can't be on the show forever.

BUFFALO: True, and she did give me a surreptitious wink as she slipped away.

BIRD: Oh, I say!

BUFFALO: Oh, the fireworks we would've unleashed together. The seismic tremors that would've been felt at the Earth's core...

BIRD: Never mind, there's always that doll of yours.

BUFFALO: Doris? The inflatable?

BIRD: Any port in a storm, eh, Tempest?

BUFFALO: Indeed.

BIRD: Film at eleven?

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

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