Yahhhp. You've guessed it. The Bird & Buffalo were invited to feature in a Big Bang Theory special. Unfortunately, Penny, Howard, Raj and Amy refused to entertain such an idea and stayed away. Sheldon and Leonard were kept in the dark as to the true nature of the episode and even when they were told it would be largely improvised and possibly largely degrading and unseemly, still agreed to go along with it. Although highly secretive and all in the worst possible taste, below is a transcript of the rehearsals for the one-hour special to be screened on New Year's Eve. Unfortunately, at the time of going to press we have no idea how much, if any of what features in rehearsals, will be broadcast. You decide.
DISCLAIMER: All dialogue is said in character and in no way expresses the actors, actresses or others' views on anything or anyone else. Thank the Lord.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
LEONARD: Sheldon, get the door, will ya, I'm on the poop box!
SHELDON: Leonard, really! Your misuse of the English language is beginning to reach unacceptable levels. Don't make me refer you to the roommate agreement again.
LEONARD: Sheldon, I'm a little preoccupied at the moment to stand, I mean sit on ceremony. Just get the door. I'll be right out.
SHELDON: Hm! This isn't the end of it. I'll deal with your tawdry transgression later.
(SHELDON OPENS THE DOOR)
BIRD AND BUFFALO: Surprise!
SHELDON: Yes, it is. Who are you?
BIRD: Well, I'm Bird, but you can call me Birdy.
BUFFALO: And I'm the Buffalo, but you can call me Buff. And who are you?
SHELDON: Who am I? If you haven't heard of the great Sheldon Cooper, the foremost theoretical physicist of the present generation and no doubt of all time, you haven't been paying attention.
BUFFALO: Well, I've watched a few clips on YouTube, so I guess I haven't been paying attention.
BIRD: What Buff means is he admires your body of work.
BUFFALO: As opposed to the work of your body, like.
SHELDON: Interesting. How did we ever agree to do this? Can we have a timeout here?
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA: Run with it, Jim. Wait till Johnny gets out of the john!
(LEONARD ZIPS OUT FROM THE CORRIDOR)
LEONARD: Hey! So... Wait a minute, where's Penny?
BUFFALO: I wish I knew. I was really looking forward to checking out her stack.
LEONARD: Uh, that's my girlfriend you're talking about there.
BUFFALO: Really? I thought you'd split up.
LEONARD: No, no, we're very much an item in the dating phase.
BUFFALO: Which is as far as you're going to get, right? So I say, while you're still dating Penny's still up for grabs.
BIRD: Drop it, Buff. Leonard's been through a lot with Penny. Cut him some slack, will ya?
BUFFALO: But I thought I was supposed to make him jealous and wait for him to rip me a new a...
SHELDON: Stop right there! This is a family show. We do not use language like that here.
BUFFALO: Arr, crapshite, you say bastid all the time. I've heard Leonard say it on several occasions.
SHELDON: Is that right, Leonard?
LEONARD: Uh, sure. What's wrong with that?
SHELDON: I'm going to have to watch the master tapes more thoroughly from now on. I've got my reputation to think about.
BUFFALO: Sheldon, you need to get laid.
SHELDON: Are you sure this is in the script, Leonard?
LEONARD: What script? And he's right, you need to get seriously drilled.
SHELDON: Oh, my! And I had to hear such filth in my own apartment.
LEONARD: Aw, come on, Sheldon, wouldn't you like to dip you little twinkle star into Amy Farrah's welcoming snug as a bug universe?
SHELDON: I certainly would not. I can't think of anything more unappealing than intimacy with Amy's welcoming universe.
BUFFALO: Well, I'm with you there, Sheldy, I wouldn't drink at her watering hole if you paid me, but I wouldn't say no to some rumpy pumpy with that gal from Nebraska.
LEONARD: Again, my girlfriend. Out of bounds.
BIRD: Yeah, dude, Leonard's a great guy. He and Penny deserve each other.
LEONARD: Thank you, Birdy. You're a real gent.
BIRD: Why, thank you, but I'm with Buff on Amy Farrah's doo-dah. She's got about as much oomph appeal as a lop-sided walrus on Benadryl. No offence, Sheldon.
SHELDON: None taken. Now if we may move on to more pressing matters...
BUFFALO: Hey, hold on, Shelds, was that a yes, I do need to get laid? Or no, I'd rather not, I'm afraid of what I might catch?
SHELDON: I cannot believe we are doing this.
LEONARD: Doing what?
SHELDON: Discussing my personal life with two total strangers.
LEONARD: Why not? We discuss my personal life enough on this show. Now it's your turn.
BIRD: He does have a point.
SHELDON: It's not about turns, it's about what's fair. I have given no basis for this invasive inquiry.
BUFFALO: Seems to me you'd be much happier grabbing yerself a piece of Raj, if you get my drift.
SHELDON: Leonard, make him stop!
LEONARD: Sheldon, for him to stop he has to have started something and I really don't think he has.
SHELDON: Betrayed, abandoned by my own roommate. I really don't understand where this social interaction is leading. And I still don't know why you're in our apartment.
BUFFALO: Well, I thought Penny would be here. I was looking forward to ascending to her balcony.
BIRD: And I'm here because I think you guys are the bee's knees. You always send me to bed with a smile on my face.
SHELDON: Oh, that's so sweet. Well, now I'm glad you came.
LEONARD: Uh, yeah, so am I. I mean, I'm glad you came, Birdy. Not so sure about your friend here.
BIRD: Oh, he's harmless enough. He's just got a bit of a rampant Freddy. He's fine all the while he's on his medication.
LEONARD: Yeah, well, just as long as he understands that Penny is off limits.
SHELDON: And if I may be so bold, would you mind telling us why we always send you to bed with a smile on your face?
BIRD: Well, it's because you're both so goddamn funny. Right, Buff?
BUFFALO: Hey, I didn't say they were funny. I said I wanted Penny. You need to wash yer ears out, dude.
SHELDON: Wanted Penny?! You and several million other men on this earth, although why is a complete mystery to me. They haven't even invented a scale to measure her IQ level yet. What Leonard sees in her is beyond me.
LEONARD: Like you would really understand. Well, uh, it's been great meeting you guys, but that old thing on the wall that goes tick-tock boing is against us, I'm afraid so, uh...
SHELDON: What Leonard is trying to say in this faltering attempt at well-brought-up politeness is that you've overstayed your welcome, we're the stars, you're the nobodies, and the stars have got much more exciting and stimulating things to do and it's time for the nobodies to exit the stage. Stage left. Exit. Go. Right now.
BUFFALO:: Oh, it's like that, is it?
SHELDON: It most certainly is.
BIRD: I'd just like to apologise for...
SHELDON: There's really no need. Just scoot.
BUFFALO: Didn't feel like an hour special to me.
LEONARD: Sorry, fellas, the chemistry just wasn't there.
SHELDON: Neither the chemistry, nor the hour, nor the special. Get over it.
LEONARD: Bye, guys.
(BIRD AND BUFFALO TRAIPSE OFF, DEJECTED)
BIRD: So rude!
BUFFALO: I know! Let that be a lesson to you, Birdy. This is what happens to people who don't get laid on a regular basis. Oh, hey! Wow! Is that Penny over there?
BIRD: You know what, Buff, I think it is.
BUFFALO: Quick, Birdy, the game is afoot!
BIRD: All right, Sherlock.
BUFFALO: Penny! It's me, Buff, Buffy, Bufters, your greatest fan! I want to get to know you better. Get to know the real Penny, get real close to you, share with you my innermost stirrings.
BIRD: Buff, stop! She's not been sullied by a reprobate like you before.
BUFFALO: There's always a first time, n'est pas? Film at eleven.
BIRD: Oh, gawwwwd!
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!