BIRD: Yes, dude?
BUFFALO: I'm so fecking depressed I feel like I could die. I'm so alone. And what's more, I got this zit on me Freddy and I can't zap da sucker, no matter how hard I try, if you get m'drift.
BIRD: Dude, half the frigging world is lonely and the other half is depressed, so what you're feeling now - it's nothing new. You've just got to weather the storm, innit.
BUFFALO: Thanks for that little gem of advice, Birdy. I shall take it to me grave.
BIRD: No worries. In udder news did you see the feedback we got from The Big Bang Theory stars?
BUFFALO: Dude, for the last month I've had my head so far up me ass, the gas buildup is enough to kaboom a planet.
BIRD: Snap out of it, dude. We're finally at the races. Listen. Here's what Sheldon said: "Totes amazeballs. These guys rock."
BIRD: And Leonard: "Such devastating wit. Sign 'em before somebody else does!"
BIRD: And Penny: "They're so... different."
BUFFALO: Ahhh, that's sweet. What about Raj and Howard? Did they say anything?
BIRD: Raj said "Not in my name."
BIRD: And Howard said "I don't get it but you say they're cheap, so uh, great!"
BIRD: Dude, it's only the beginning, but you gotta step up to the plate, it's something we should share.
BUFFALO: I dunno, Birdman, I mean I'm kinda washed out since Cinders left me. I don't get it, it all went south when I refused to click on a link she sent regarding amazing business opportunities in Nigeria.
BIRD: Dude, it was a scam. You had a narrow escape.
BUFFALO: But she said she loved me.
BIRD: Cinders probably didn't even exist. As the great Barack Obama says, love online don't mean sheeet!
BUFFALO: Hey, don't knock it. Love online is all I got right now. If the cable company pull the plug my love life is so over.
BIRD: Dude, if that happens it'll be a blessing. It means you'll have to step out of your cave and go meet some real people.
BUFFALO: Real people?! What do I want with real people? They're nothing but trouble. Online, you can be whoever you want to be with whoever you want to be. Ya dig?
BIRD: Nope, I don't. And neither do you. Fantasy and self-love are all very well, but when push comes to shove...
BUFFALO: Or sleeve to glove...
BIRD: ..you ain't got bazinga all but an empty heart and a lost soul.
BUFFALO: Damn you, Birdster, you've cut right through my quick once again, leaving nothing but a fetid shell of humamicus despairus. Thanks!
BIRD: It had to be done. You're blowing a great opportunity with the Big Bangers. We're going to make it. We're THIS close.
BUFFALO: Oh, yeah? Then what about the zit on me Freddy?
BIRD: Rub some cream on it.
BUFFALO: Tried it. It didn't work.
BIRD: Go see the doc.
BUFFALO: Tried it. He suggested corrective surgery. Zinteq or something.
BIRD: Dude, that's for love handles.
BUFFALO: Aw, shit bags! Better go Google it again.
BIRD: Googling a problem is not the same as seeing the doc.
BUFFALO: No, it's better, cos then you don't have to face the doc laughing at you whilst pointing and prodding at yer pride and joy.
BIRD: Thou doest exaggerate, methinks.
BUFFALO: And not only that, but every time I see him, he wants to ram a bow anchor up me ass to check that me prostate's in order. I can't subject myself to that excruciating pain any more. I won't. Nope, it's Google for me or nuffink.
BIRD: I give up. It's no wonder you're banged up at home all alone, seeking solace in all the wrong places.
BUFFALO: Dude, if I don't get rid of this Freddy zit, I swear I'm going to turn to radical measures.
BIRD: Such as?
BUFFALO: Such as... such as... something drastic and very mysterious. I might even whip it off, like.
BIRD: Don't do that, you never know when you might need it.
BUFFALO: Now that Cinders has left me, I'd say, uh, never again.
BIRD: Always the optimist.
BUFFALO: Dude, this charade I call my wife, I mean life, has got to stop. It's gone on for far too long. The buck stops here, innit.
BIRD: Be patient, o bovine one, hold on just a little longer.
BUFFALO: I'm done with being patient. I'm 15 years done with being patient. I dared to dream the dream and it was all baloney. I've wasted 15 years of my life for nothing and I have nothing to show for it. Nada.
BIRD: Dude, can you see the subtext here?
BUFFALO: Stop it, just stop it. Subtext, schmucktext, I am done, done, done, done, done! No more waiting, no more hoping, no more what ifs, no more "They really like you, dude!" It's finished. Kaputten. Shazamaloo geschlossen!
BIRD: Well, if you feel that way about it.
BUFFALO: I do.
BIRD: You won't want to read and sign this contract from The Big Bang Theory production company then.
BUFFALO: The what?!
BIRD: Hang on, I'll just get a match...
BUFFALO: Wait. Now let's not be hasty here.
BIRD: ..and pssssshhhhh!
BUFFALO: Birdy, what are you doing?
BIRD: Respecting your wishes. And there it goes! How silly of me to even think we could make it with those guys.
BUFFALO: Argh! Tell me this isn't happening.
BIRD: Oh, the flames, the flames. How brightly they burn for thee.
BIRD: Yes. All gone! That makes two cinders, geddit?
BUFFALO: O feckkkkkkkk!
BIRD: Ciao, bene!
BUFFALO: What a dumbass!
BIRD: Film at eleven.
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
TO BE CONTINUED...