THE BLADE OF GRASS TURNS & WHY NOT?

WATSON: I say, Holmes.

HOLMES: Be quick, Watson, I have an appointment with my bank manager. We may be homeless by the weekend, you know.

WATSON: I sit here, observing all the anguish and suffering, and I wonder why not?

HOLMES: Why not what, old quack?

WATSON: People should live in peace and harmony. Why not?

HOLMES: What we need is a substantial commission from somebody who has recently, unfortunately, had their loved one hacked to death in the most unseemly of circumstances.

WATSON: And all the poverty in the world and the debauchery and gluttony. If we all pulled together, we could eradicate the lot. Why not?

HOLMES: Naturally, there is a considerable bounty on the head of Professor Moriarty but I fear it will take many years to ensnare that fiend and we need a quick fix.

WATSON: And the smog and the flooding and the infernal warring. If we all stood up and said no, we could stop it. Why not?

HOLMES: I suppose if the worst comes to the worst, I could write an astrology column in the Times. It would tide us over.

WATSON: And the dysfunctional health service and the slave trade and the exploitation of the masses. If the world were to unite, we could resolve them all. Why not?

HOLMES: Or crosswords for the Telegraph. Everyone likes a good puzzle.

WATSON: Holmes! People are dying in their millions, excrutiating pain is rife and you haven't listened to a word I've said!

HOLMES: Watson, I hear the wind and see the sky and feel the tremor of the earth beneath my feet and the hand of destiny on my shoulder.

WATSON: What's that, Holmes?

HOLMES: If all the do-gooders in this world were laid end to end, at the very least they would make a good path, don't you think?

WATSON: Sorry, Holmes, you've lost me again.

HOLMES: Watson, will you walk with me?

WATSON: Eh?

HOLMES: To the bank. I seek to satisfy a greater hunger.

WATSON: Have you been at the chocolate drops again, old man?

HOLMES: One cannot make whole that which is in pieces.

WATSON: But that's preposterous. We can but try what what what.

HOLMES: We are all here to learn. Piece by piece.

WATSON: Oh, dear, I'm afraid he's gone off on one. I'll have to get Hudders and the smelling salts.

HOLMES: Tread carefully, Watty Botty, for knowledge may easily fall through the cracks.

WATSON: Hudders, quick, the smelling salts. Poor Holmes has slipped into the interminable dimension.

HOLMES: Is that a grasshopper I see before me? Nourish him, well, Watson, for he will lead us to our goal, and after all is said and gone, why not?

WATSON: Wish for the stars and end up in the gutter what what what. Hudders! Hudders! No crumpet at eleven.