Tuesday, May 29, 2007


WATSON: I say, Holmes...

HOLMES: Yes, Watson?

WATSON: Have you heard the rumour?

HOLMES: What is a rumour if not a disintegration of integrity?

WATSON: Well, yes, of course. But this is serious, old man. They say that Professor Moriarty is sending an assassin to rub you out, old thing.

HOLMES: But Watty, old bean, that's old news. The intended assassin was found but ten minutes ago face down in a pile of dog faeces in Regent's Park.

WATSON: What?! But that's impossible! That is about when you took Toby for a stroll to the park to execute his daily ablutions.

HOLMES: Just so, old chap. Most fortuitous. The blighter was about to load up a poison dart when our dear pooch here hurled himself at the stinker with aplomb, digging his perfectly formed canine pincers right into the evildoer's jugular.

WATSON: Good Lord!

HOLMES: Whereupon in all the excitement, Toby brought forward his ablutions then expertly jumped back as the fiendish would-be murderer fell face down in the um...

WATSON: Poo. Quite remarkable. And you say Toby mauled him to death what what what?

HOLMES: With some detailed supervision, naturally.

WATSON: But Holmes, Toby wouldn't hurt a fly and suddenly he transforms himself into an efficient, well-oiled killing machine. It's, it's, why, it's incredible.

HOLMES: Elementary, my dear Watson. Any animal, human or otherwise, can be induced to commit a murderous act, given the right conditioning.

WATSON: You mean...

HOLMES: Yes, Watson. I rang the bell, and with true Pavlovian gusto, and not an inconsiderable amount of saliva, our loveable pooch got stuck in, so to speak.

WATSON: But it's preposterous, it's unethical, it's... just you be careful where you go ringing your bell, old bean.

HOLMES: And you be careful that you do not cross Toby again. Now the wagging doggy has a taste for it, he may well strike again if provoked.

WATSON: Good grief, Holmes. You've turned our sweet little Toby into a cold-blooded killer. Surely the ends do not justify the means.

HOLMES: The means, as we both know, do not always lead to the ends and never to the beginnings, so let there be an end to the means and a beginning to the ends, if you follow my drift.

WATSON: Well, if you put it like that...

HOLMES: I do, you wacky quackster. We must be vigilant and alert. And there will be many more Tobys that will join us in our neverending struggle with the forces of darkness, Watson. Many a yelp shall fall but it's all in the game.

WATSON: Nice going , Tobers. Have another choccie biccie.

(Toby yaps contentedly)

WATSON: And all's well that ends well.

HOLMES: This time, Watson.

WATSON: Doggy bone at eleven?

TOBY: Yap, yap!