TOMCHIK, A MAN OF MYSTERY, SOME SAY HALF LITERAL/HALF VERSUPIAL. AN INQUISITOR IF EVER THERE WOZ ONE. ASK HIM ANYTHING & HE'LL... THINK ABOUT IT. A GENIUS IN HIS OWN SHOPPING BASKET, A LEGEND IN HIS OWN CROTCH, LADIES & GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU...
IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?
BIRD: So anyway, I was wondering...
BIRD: Well, maybe you could tell us about yourself, make the readers feel comfy with you.
TOMCHIK: Well, it seems to me, you know, that possibly this will not happen, but I will endeavour.
BIRD: That's the spirit. Now here's a little getting to know Tomchik questionnaire. First, is it true that I invented you in Thomas Mann's own image because you have your nose stuck in a book, even whilst making love?
TOMCHIK: I have been known to turn a few pages during fornication, this is an accurate statement.
BIRD: And you are medium height?
TOMCHIK: That is so.
BIRD: Medium build?
TOMCHIK: It would appear to be the case.
BIRD: You have receding curly black hair on an unusually large jutting forehead?
TOMCHIK: Well, yes, I agree.
BIRD: And you have large Bambi black eyes?
TOMCHIK: They have been referred to as cute by certain members of the female population.
BIRD: And you are still searching for the seventh dimension?
TOMCHIK: Yes, that and the missing chapter from Lady Chatterley's Lover.
BIRD: And your favourite meal is Uzbek dumplings with lamb and pilau rice?
TOMCHIK: Don't forget the green tea with oatmeal biscuits.
BIRD: As if. OK, here goes. Favourite colour?
TOMCHIK: Black, although indigo has its merits.
BIRD: Dog or cat?
TOMCHIK: Fruit bat, actually. A fascinating creature.
BIRD: Airplane or train?
TOMCHIK: Bicycle, if possible. Although I did suffer a terrible head wound the last time I cycled in central London. One really doesn't know how to educate the thoughtless inner city driver.
BIRD: Top five books ever?
TOMCHIK: I could not possibly give you an answer before sometime next week, but the most influential book on my way of thinking has been Only Cowgirls Get The Blues by Tom Robbins, and on my way of preparing food The Beginner's Guide To Mastering Bacon by Alain de Jamrolly.
BIRD: The last film you saw?
TOMCHIK: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, on DVD. It rekindled my fondness for basketball and all things medicinal.
BIRD: Favourite pastime, apart from reading?
TOMCHIK: I like to walk and swim and fish and rummage through people's bins for objects of interest.
BIRD: Most embarrassing moment during puberty?
TOMCHIK: Discovering that my mother couldn't ski. No, that my father could not play the piano OR build his own radio transmitter.
BIRD: Most embarrassing moment in adulthood?
TOMCHIK: Losing a volume of Proust's Remembrance Of Things Past somewhere between Barnet & Camden Town on the Northern Line of the London Underground whilst under the influence of a wine gum.
BIRD: That's great. I think our readers are now building up a picture of you. Now it's time for the punchline.
TOMCHIK: I am ready.
BIRD: Alvin Toffler states in The Third Wave, that ageing societies will be using new medical technologies from self-diagnosis to instant toilet urinalysis to self-administered therapies delivered by nanotechnology to do for themselves what doctors used to do. Well, IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?
TOMCHIK: It seems to me that this pronouncement largely depends on many factors which once factored into the multitude of existing factors and those factors which do not at present exist but will one day come into being and thus, one's understanding of the fundamental proposition must be by its very nature compromised.
BIRD: Wow. I think you're going to fit in nicely on the blog. Tomchik, thanks for dropping by. We'll be back next week with more mouthwatering utterances and gutterances in IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?
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