A STATEMENT BY SIR JOHN FURTERSPLATTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER AT ST JUST'S HOSPITAL, EAST FENWICK (AS TRANSCRIBED FROM THE EAST FENWICK BELCHER NEWSPAPER)
I regret to inform you that on the morning of the 17th of April, in the year of our Lord 2007, the universally abhorred comedian Mr Bird was admitted to St Just's Hospital East Fenwick suffering from a throbbing badger in his pantaloons. Sorry, let me regurgitate. In laymen's speak, the avian patient was suffering from a spasm of the lower placenta which meant he was unable to sit straight, talk straight or bend over without requesting assistance from a nurse with a potty handy. Or a handy potty. Same difference, rarely.
The appropriate treatments were subsequently applied according to the medical code. They involved steam cleaning the rogerer, massaging the todgerer, and creaming the frotherer. Unfortunately, Mr Bird responded badly to the first treatment, slightly warmed to the second treatment, and was positively impressed and thoroughly irrigated by the third treatment.
However, overnight, the patient took a turn for the wurst and ended up wandering down an unmarked corridor whereuon he impaled his upper teater on a passing gurney. He was consequentially operated on immediately to remove excess fluid and stray shrapnel.
I am elated to announce that this morning Mr Bird has regained conscientiousness and is sat up in his hospital bed playing with his Benadryl drip and entertaining the nurses in the way he knows best. It is the considered opinion of a hastily arranged panel of cardio-thoracical experts that the patient will make a full recovery, eventually, undoubtedly, possibly within the coming weeks and months. In the meantime, I would ask you, the assembled media of various blood types and feral orientations to please give the sickly tweeter some privacy and understanding whilst he embarks on this troublesome road to a full recovery of his limited assets. Naturally, we will update you on any further envelopments as and when they recur. I'm sure that all our thoughts and the thoughts of udders are with Mr Bird on this uncommonly sunny day in April. Thank you.