Thursday, April 12, 2007


WATSON: I say, Holmes...

HOLMES: Oh, if you must, Watson.

WATSON: This letter just came for you, slipped under the fortified door what what what.

HOLMES: How utterly tedious. Read it out, old boy. There's something in my toe nail.

WATSON: Righto ho. "Dear Mr Shylock, With due respect and humblelity. I am Mrs. Alice Biggins of Basingstoke. I was married to da Mr Biggins of Basingstoke for four years before he what copped it down a gold mine in Abubajan. We was very 'appy but childless. Well, da Mr Biggins, he did but curl up da feet without so much as a penny for da pee pot. And I was thinking... p'raps you'd be persuadable to take pity on dis little misses, who I happen to add is seriously well in debt and in need of heavy remittance, if you could possibly bung a coupla hundred bum wipe smackers my way. I'd do anyfink to pleasure your highness.

God bless ya, guv'nor!

Lots of luv,


PS And if by half a perchance, you could see your sideways to givin' me another coupla hundred big'uns, I shall invest da funds into helping da churches and orphanages and such like."

HOLMES: Good gracious!

WATSON: So, er, what do you think, Holmes? Do you feel inclined to help this unfortunate wretch of Basingstoke?

HOLMES: Oh, really, Watson! Give me that.

WATSON: Careful, old boy. You'll tear it.

HOLMES: Tear it?! I shall burn it and then set Toby on you in the yard.

WATSON: I'm sure I don't know what you're meandering at, Holmes.

HOLMES: (reads letter) Surely you did not expect to fool the high and mighty sleuth of all history past and present with this childish balderdash.

WATSON: What?! You're not... Why, you think I had a hand in this, old man? But that's preposterous!

HOLMES: A cowardly act even by your standards.

WATSON: I take offence at that last utterance, old bean, I don't mind telling you.

HOLMES: I see. Since you insist on pursuing this charade, I shall expose your fatal mistakes and then I expect a full apology whilst I consider an appropriate punishment for your moronic prank. Your first mistake was to use the name Alice Biggins. You should know full well that Alice Biggins was the third victim of the Ripper of Reading. Her entrails were found lining the A329 between Binfield and Wokingham.


HOLMES: Originality has never been your forte. Then the language. It is clearly the work of an educated person endeavouring to talk common. A simple individual would never overuse "da", nor display obvious rudeness - "a coupla hundred bum wipe smackers" indeed!

WATSON: Yes, well, perhaps the language is rather on the colourful side...

HOLMES: And lastly, I heard you and Hudders late last night in the pantry conspiratorily hatching the whole plot. It is possible that had you not both tittered like a pair of bloated hyenas, my slumber would not have been interrupted.

WATSON: Oh, dear. Well, um, I can explain...

HOLMES: You needed the money.

WATSON: Yes, you see...

HOLMES: When will you learn, Watty, that the end NEVER justifies the means?

WATSON: But it's Hudders' dear mater...

HOLMES: Just ask, dear fellow. That's all you have to do. I look after my own, don't you know?

WATSON: Sorry, Holmes. I felt so damned awkward...

HOLMES: You understand that I still have to punish you.

WATSON: But of course.

HOLMES: Now run along to Hudders and tell her that Mr Sherlock has already taken care of her mother's financial embarrassment and secured her wellbeing for the rest of her days.

WATSON: Oh, good Lord! Thank you so much, Holmes. How can I ever repay you?

HOLMES: I'll think of some way, don't be remiss of that.

WATSON: Scones at eleven?

HOLMES: Elementary, my dear Watson. Elementary.

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