FIFI LAMOUR: And... action!
BUFFALO: So I hear Prince William has dumped his gal, like.
BIRD: Kate Middleton. Yep. Tragic. Nice gal if you can hack the plum in the mouth and the funny walk.
BUFFALO: She'd have made a nice queen.
BIRD: Maybe. Although Diana probably would've been better. Thing is the monarchy'll be done and dusted once our Madge falls off her perch.
BUFFALO: "Our Madge"? Friend of yours is she? The QUEEN to you. And to everybody else.
BIRD: It's affectionate, like. She's the people's QUEEN or some Finn like that.
BUFFALO: Tut tut on you. You Brits are so cazh with yer traversions. Moving on.
BIRD: Please do.
BUFFALO: To bees.
BIRD: Oh, I know this one. A Parent Lee, mobile phones are killing them off and we won't have any crops any more and the world will subsequently die an excrutiating death from mega starvation so that when the asteroid hits it won't make no difference what-so-ever. Right?
BUFFALO: Spot on, Birdy. And Final Lee, Iraq.
BIRD: Oh, lumme. Must we?
BUFFALO: Indubitably. It's sliding into civil war, they say.
BIRD: Er, that's about the quince of it. What's the question?
BUFFALO: What was the big story there last week?
BIRD: Um, er, oh yeah, the two British naval personnel selling their stories to the Daily Bumhole.
BUFFALO: That's right.
BIRD: And we had the revolutions that Faye Turkey was deprived of her favourite ciggies and her beloved fish and chips for ten days. And they wouldn't give her new underwear neither. Or let her wash her old ones after the old lamb kebab went down the wrong way.
BUFFALO: Indeed. And then she sat blindfolded as her interrogator peeled an orange over her lap.
BIRD: Yewk! Lou Rid!
BUFFALO: And wot is the interrogator purported to have said to her?
BIRD: "I have good peeler. You want juice?"
BUFFALO: Nearly. He Actual Lee said, "You peel my orange, blondie? I give you enjoyment".
BIRD: Omigod! The things sailors have to endure in the name of honour.
BUFFALO: And the final round...
BUFFALO: The missing headline from Iranian Democratics Institutionalised Then Reprogrammed Monthly - "The ***** ****** ***** Beg For ****** ******* *******".
BIRD: Oh, yeah, I saw this one. "The Revolutionary Guard Dogs Beg For Cadbury's Chocolate Biscuits".
BUFFALO: Correct. This is the story about the vicious Iranian border collies who guard the opening to the Al-Shat On Constantly But Our Reward Is In Heaven waterway who have been spoilt by British patrol boats bunging them Cadbury's choccie biscuits because according to their commanding officer they are "so thin they make Kate Moss look pork worthy". And now the dogs refuse to eat the leftover lamb kebabs the guards toss them after lights out. And what happened to several of the border collies?
BIRD: Um, I believe they swam across the Al-Shat On etc waterway and were picked up by foxtrot Freddy 0.5 and held by the Royal Navy as a bargaining chip in case negotiations to release the British service personnel went tits up.
BUFFALO: Full points. And where are they now?
BIRD: Strolling and sniffing their way up and down HMS Cornwall cos the Iranians didn't want them back, and I quote, "because the pig dogs yielded their stomachs to the delicatessen of the vegetating West".
BUFFALO: That's right, Birdman. You really are the most knowledgeable tweet your country has to offer. The U in K should be veritably proud. And that just leaves me time to announce that it is official - Basil Fawlty has been voted the funniest UK TV comedy character EVER, and we wrap up this Podcast with a clip from Fawlty Towers in which Basil greets some German guests -
BASIL: Ah, wonderful! Vonderbar! Ahh! Please allow me to introduce myself, I am the owner of Fawlty Towers. And may I welcome your war... your war... you all... and hope that your stay will be a happy one. Now, would you like to eat first, or would you like a drink before the war... AHH! Er... trespassers will be tied up with piano wire... SORRY, SORRY!
BIRD & BUFFALO: Good night!