HOLMES: Pass me another mince pie, will you, old chap?
WATSON: Holmes, you've had enough. You'll make yourself sick.
HOLMES: That is precisely what I intend to do. Ah, sweet Crispness, devourer of the soul.
WATSON: Have you been at the bagpipes again?
HOLMES: Reminds me of an ode dear mama used to whisper to me in the cradle...
‘Twas denied before Crispness, when all threw the cows,
Nada teacher wistering, nod Eve an’ her spouse;
Stockard Channing hungover by the chutney with care,
Imhotep, Jack Nicklaus, three-wood, beware!
The chitlins were Nestléd all smug thoroughbreds,
Vile divisions of sugar Tums danced inner Keds;
Aunt Jemima in her 'kerchief, an eyeball, nightcap,
Add Jews, settled down furlong winner snap.
Winnowed on the lawn, dare a rose, cinch a Hatter,
Eye strain frump the bed deceit who’s the madder;
A whey to the widow I flu-like, hot flash,
Drew Carey the shudders and threw up the hash.
Vic Damone over Brest, on the Newfoundland snow,
Gave the bluster of mid-wives to rejects below;
Woodwind to my wandering pies shoed a peer,
Buddha Minnie actor’s play and ate tiny rain, dear.
Withered tit, old dry verse, so jively and slick,
Eye gnu in a marmot it mussed bees, ain’t Nick;
Moor vapid than beagles his Corsairs they Cayman
He wizzled and showered and culled them, for shame.
"Now, Basher, now Trasher, now Rancid and Nixon,
On Vomit, on Stupid, on Blunder and Exxon!
To the Top of the porridge, to the toffee so tall
Gnaw hash All day, crash and pray, smash a fey owl!”
As dry heaves that Dafoe the Wilde shirikin fly,
Wendy needle an ox stable meant to be pie;
Sew up on the mouse trap the horse hairs were glued;
With a playful Latoya, sans necklace, nude!
And then in a Twinkie, wee herd on the roof,
The hemming and hawing of each piddling poof;
As I threw in my hand and was buying a round,
Down the Jiminy Jack Nicklaus came like a hound.
He was Dresden infer from his Zed to his flute,
His loaves were all varnished with Ashley and jute;
A trundle of Goys were strung out on his back,
Andy mugged like a pedophile trying to score crack.
His sighs, how they sprinkled, his pimples so scary!
His butt cheeks like roses, blue nose like a berry;
His troll brittle mouth was fawned up like a Ho,
End a beer on his chin fuzz, wide-eyed as Van Gogh.
Thus stumped of a pie he yelled “Tide on the heath!”
And DeSoto inveigled his red Leggo wreath;
Jihad a broad’s phase, pawned a lid of brown jelly,
Meshuggah whinny left Leica woeful Gene Kelly.
He haddock flabby old rump, a trite Dali oiled elf
And eye left win eye Psalm, in spied of my self.
A wing cuff his eye, Anna pissed off Phys-Ed,
Swoon gay me to Noah head muffin too bread.
He Spokane nada whirred butt-twin strayed to his lurk,
Unfulfilled Allah’s dockings, interned Wicca jerk;
And splaying his tingler downwind of his hose,
Hand shivering, annoyed, up the Jiminy heroes.
He sang to Islay, too esteemed, waved a missal,
Anna weigh day Owl Flu like da spawn of George Jessel,
Butt-eye herd hymns disclaimed heir Heathrow Otter sighed.
"Happy Crispin’s towel, Anna towel a good thigh!”
BIRD & BUFFALO WILL RETURN SHORTLY TO THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE, BUT FRANK LEE, THIS STUFF IS JUST TOO GOOD TO REMISS
COMING SOON: THE SHERLOCK HOLMES & THE ROASTED BEAR ON A SPITTLE WITH ALOPECIA AREATA ENIGMA