ON THE DOTTY

BIRD: Dotty's on the phone.

BUFFALO: Whossat?

BIRD: An old college pal. Great gal, but she has absolutely NO sense of humour.

BUFFALO: Wot, none whatsoever?

BIRD: I tell ya, it's getting me down. Her life is mirthless. She's been on courses, taken hundreds of therapies and treatments. And still nothing. She has NEVER laffed in her life.

BUFFALO: That's sad, dude. Can I help?

BIRD: You're her last chance, hactually. You see, she once confided in me that she found Sergeant Bilko mildly amusing. So... what with you being a big fan of Bilko an' all, I thought maybe if you tell some jokes about your wanger or some fart jokes, it might just work. I'm sure that once she starts laffing, she'll never stop, see.

BUFFALO: Always like a challenge, moi.

BIRD: OK, I'm putting her on now. Dotty, this is Buffalo, that durty auld perv I told you about.

BUFFALO: Hi, Dotty! How's it hanging?

DOTTY: What the ****! Who do you think you are, you big *****! **** off, you big ****! ********! ********! Birdy, I ***** hate people like him, the big *******. Tell him to ******* off! ************! And another thing, if you ********, I'll ********* your ******* off and then I'll ****** your ****** in a *******, so don't even think about it, you ******* ******* ********!!!

BIRD: Dotty? What did he say?

DOTTY: And you can **** off too! You big ***** ****!!!

BUFFALO: Well, that went well.

BIRD: Like a Bud in a nun.

BUFFALO: Birdy, that lady is fooked. Loop the loop, cuckoo at eleven, totally blammed.

BIRD: Looks like the end of a beautiful friendship.

BUFFALO: Oh, she'll be back. And we'll make her laff yet, you'll see.

BIRD: I do hope so. Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Sparky alert. Something's stirring in his cave. And it ain't his porridge.

BIRD: Oh, lummee!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!