BUFF THERAPY PART 1

BUFFALO: Sparky's up for his morning ablutions. Ah, tinkle time. Bearing down on the own peanut as we speak. He's like Maxwell House coffee; good to the last drop. He's been going to work early and coming back late, soppin' up that OT.

BIRD: Wot happened to the grenade, like?

BUFFALO: Oh, that. Had to throw it out the window, dude. Blew up old man Shaker's brand-new pickup truck. I believe a crack addict on the second floor is being removed from the building today as punishment for his drug-fuelled revelry, the berk.

BIRD: Well, that's OK, then. And Sparky?

BUFFALO: On the lookout for the Charlie as we speak. Hey, dude, while I regret, I did it, I recorded a bout with my head doc, Jennette. Chew on this, Birdman.

BIRD: I'm all ears.

(Tape plays)

JENNETTE: Well, you're looking chipper this morning, Buffy.

BUFFALO: Funny you say so, I was thinking about a chipper this morning... a wood chipper.

JENNETTE: Good lord, you're not thinking about harming yourself, are you?

BUFFALO: No, not much. I was thinking about sticking my head in it, getting it over with.

JENNETTE: Ah, you've having me on again, aren't you?

BUFFALO: (sighs) I've never had you on, not that I haven't dreamed about it often enough.

JENNETTE: Let's keep it strictly professional, shall we?

BUFFALO: That's easy for you to say, sitting there with those incredible legs, and all.

JENNETTE: Would you prefer that I stopped wearing skirts when you come?

BUFFALO: I was only breathing hard, and if you stop wearing skirts, I won't come at all.

JENNETTE: My God, you're incorrigible.

BUFFALO: I beg your pardon. I may be a tad overweight, but I'm hardly a dirigible.

JENNETTE: All right, enough foreplay already. What shall we talk about today?

BUFFALO: The usual. Why am I so fookin' crazy?

JENNETTE: (sighs) You know I prefer it if you don't use clinical terms.

BUFFALO: Sorry. Why am I nuts?

JENNETTE: I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What about your nuts?

BUFFALO: You're DRIVING me nuts.

JENNETTE: How so?

BUFFALO: You're like a cross between Jenny Agutter and Annette Benning, in their primes. It's enough to drive any straight loonatic mad.

JENNETTE: What's come over you lately? You used to be so shy and unassuming.

BUFFALO: I think I'm in love with you.

JENNETTE: Ah, I see. Trust me, you're not in love with me... this is what we call "transference."

BUFFALO: God, I hate it when you get clinical on me.

JENNETTE: Sorry. . . let me put it this way... (sound of pantyhose rustling)

(BUFFALO groans)

JENNETTE: What's wrong?

BUFFALO: Nothing. Just burned out a few hundred more synapses is all, but no matter.

JENNETTE: No matter?

BUFFALO: No gray matter... it's almost all gone now, after seeing you for two years. You're so fookin' beautiful you've melted my brains.

JENNETTE: That's the nicest obscene compliment I've had in a long time. Unfortunately, if it's true I won't be able to see you anymore.

BUFFALO: Come on, don't be stoopid, I was lying through my teeth. You're not my type at all.

JENNETTE: Why? What's wrong with me?

BUFFALO: You're married... and worse, you're not allowed to get it on with patients.

JENNETTE: Omigod, you really ARE in love with me, aren't you?

BUFFALO: Heavens, no... it's merely transference.

JENNETTE: Well, that's a relief. I think you're finally starting to make some progress. What's wrong? Why are you squinting like that?

BUFFALO: It's the sunlight reflecting off the juncture of your pantyhose. It's blinding me. Mind if I close the shades?

JENNETTE: Or I could pull my skirt down a bit, instead.

BUFFALO: God, no. Don't move, I'll get the shades.

TO BE CONTINUED...

DOTTY: That's not funny! You ****** ******!

BIRD & BUFFALO: Shut it!!

BIRD: Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!