Woke up this morning to find... a wrinkled bottom. Now how did THAT get there? So I googled it. And that's when I realised... there are a lot of people who let their arse go. Or is it ass? I'm never sure. Except I know I have one and I know it's wrinkled. And it wasn't the last time I looked. But one interesting fact I did pick up from an online message board - or is it forum? - is that it is a common complaint among nuns. And chief executives. Wrinkled bottom. Not even Wikipedia dares to include an entry but on present estimates 1.2 BILLION... let me say that again, 1.2 BILLION people worldwide suffer from it and the medical profession hasn't got a fecking clue where it comes from or what to do about it. Try all the creams you like. Consult your local plastic surgeon. See a faith healer even. Nothing but nothing works. And here's the worst thing about it. It gets worse. Yes. That's right. It doesn't stay a little wrinkled. It gets more and more wrinkled until you find your grandparents have pitched up on your derriere. Oh, shit, feck, foch even, you've just noticed you've got a wrinkled bottom too, right? Help! You say? OK, well, I don't know if this works, but I have devised a series of exercises to try to unwrinkle the butt based on old Sanskrit texts and ancient recipes for toejam brulee. Bear with me on this, I think we might have cracked it. Geddit? There's only five of them so even a cretinous single-celled swamp dweller - yeah, just like your next door neighbour - will be able to follow them and get some sort of relief.
1. Raise your left arm in the air, spread your legs as wide as they will go, then bounce up and down off a bed of approximately ten nails for a minute.
2. Attach a clothes line peg to each cheek, then attack one peg by using a strong piece of cord to the nearest locked door and pull hard for 3o seconds, and/or until you feel a burning sensation.
3. Rub your arse/ass/butt hard along the nearest cobbled surface for five minutes or until you feel faint and smell blood or pus.
4. Lower and raise your arse/ass/butt onto the side of a bath 5o times then grab the nearest hairbrush and scrape any residue or dead skin away and check on the results.
5. Get someone who's very special to you and will do literally anything for you without asking questions or worrying about medical bills to suck hard on each cheek for five minutes at a time every hour on the hour for seven days.
And if that doesn't work, try shoving a cigar up the crack and lighting it. Cigar smoke contains a chemical known in the hairdresser's profession as ZLT16 which is proven in laboratory tests to relax hair follicles and smooth out dermatological deluvial cavities. If blistering occurs, consult your doctor, lawyer, teacher, cleaner, butcher, baker, banker, dentist, economist, agent, priest, local bystander. Or better still, buy a dog.
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