SECOND LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS

SPARKY: Buff, I’ve been born again in time for Christmas!

BUFFALO: Wassat, dude?

SPARKY: Got a new bladder, man.

BUFFALO: Ya wot?

SPARKY: Least it feels like a new bladder. Only cost five dollars too.

BUFFALO: Are you yanking my chain, Sparkers, old boy?

SPARKY: Got it from a guy called Terry, down at the Zoo, man.

BUFFALO: OK, wait. Start from the top. Got wot from wot Terry?

SPARKY: A bladder enlargement kit. No more interrupted sleep and hours on the john waiting for the trickle to end.

BUFFALO: Gimme that. Dude, it’s a fookin’ straw with Vaseline on it!

SPARKY: Yeah, well, whatever. Point is I feel a new man, man. Been timing meself. Got it down to 30 seconds, door to door.

BUFFALO: You jerk-berk, you’ll be lucky if yer Freddy doesn’t fall off. Hop in the car, we’re takin’ you to the hospital.

SPARKY: Hey, man, stay out of it. If I want my Freddy to fall off, it’s my choice. Just as long as I get to drain the reservoir at one sitting.

BUFFALO: Oh, Jeez. Dude, a guy without a Freddy is like a ship without a rudder, a big zero on life’s highway.

SPARKY: Ah, hell, Buffo, maybe I’d be better off without me Freddy, anyways. Ain’t been much good to me so far.

BUFFALO: Yeah, I guess porking inflatable and wax dolls isn’t really making the best use of it.

SPARKY: Man, I ain’t never done an inflatable doll, and you know that. I’m exclusively into wax dolls, me.

BUFFALO: Yeah, yeah, but dude, don’t you think it’s time to get yerself some human sweetness?

SPARKY: Man, I’m telling ya, once you’ve had a waxwork nothing else comes close.

BUFFALO: Dude, call me old-fashioned but I’d rather stick me Freddy in the food blender than mess around with a dummy in a shop window.

SPARKY: How’d you find out about that?

BUFFALO: Just call me Shylock. You gotta stop, dude, or the cops’ll nail your ass to the mast.

SPARKY: They’re castouts, man. Hurled into the dumpster with maximum callousness and brutal indifference. Unwanted. Unloved. But I care about them, see, give them a roof over their heads, feed them, nurse them back to health.

BUFFALO: Give me strength, Jupiter. Dude, they’re made of wax, they are INANIMATE objects. Kapish?

SPARKY: Man, don’t talk about Cherry, Sherry, Kerry, Berry, Ferry, and Sally like that. You’ll hurt their feelings.

BUFFALO: Dude, inanimate objects don’t have feelings. Now if they’re not all out of this apartment by 08:00 tomorrow morning, you’re going to be looking for new quarters. Enuff is enuff.

SPARKY: Can I at least keep Sally?

BUFFALO: The blonde one with no left arm and half a nose missing?

SPARKY: Yep.

BUFFALO: Absolutely not.

SPARKY: And if I refuse to let them go?

BUFFALO: 1985. Pasadena Times. "Embezzler Walter Sparkington Flees Court House. Massive Manhunt Begins." Say no more.

SPARKY: Omigod! How did you know?

BUFFALO: Elementary, my dear Watney. Now ditch the dummies and pull yourself together, man, there’s work to be done.

SPARKY: Simplicity itself once explained. The game is afoot.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!