QUESTIONNAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE

THE BIRD & BUFFALO WISH TO EXTEND THEIR SINCERE THANKS TO THE MEMOIRS OF A STONER AT http://memoirsofastoner.blogspot.com/

FOR PROVIDING THIS MOST ENRAPTULATING YET ULTIMATELY HUMILIATING AUTOMATED QUESTIONNAIRE.

BIRD: It says here once you press the button, answer the automated questions fairly and squarely in real time. If you try to pause the recording, you will, and I quote, “be erased from the cyberspace automated database FOREVER”.

BUFFALO: Wow.

BIRD: Y’all ready for this?

BUFFALO: Yahh-p.

BIRD: Remember, we gotta be quick, coz we’re both answering at the same time.

BUFFALO: And once we’ve done this, we’ll get 1,000 smackeroos plus a top 100 Technorati listing and unlimited publicity for the remainder of our pitiful yet prodigious creative lives?

BIRD: Indeed.

BUFFALO: OK. Run Podcast!

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Gender?

BUFFALO: 100% alpha male. Honorary member of the World Permanent Woody Society. Macho. Masculine. Hairy.

BIRD: Predominantly male with feminine ways.

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Sexual orientation?

BUFFALO: Absolutely, whenever I can find it. Prefer animate objects, but old ladies with failing eyesight can be fun.

BIRD: Women with engaging smiles and impeccable upbringing, like me missus, like.

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Race?

BUFFALO: Human with a smattering of Bison.

BIRD: Er, ditto with mammarian improprieties.

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Religion?

BUFFALO: Fully fledged worshipper at the Church of Mount Vulva.

BIRD: Omigod! Er, um, Church of England agnostic, Buddhist on Mondays.

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Political Affiliation?

BUFFALO: Free Passage To Any Passage For Buffalos With Blutwurst.

BIRD: Free Trade For Rabbits’ Scrotums From Pubistan League. If I get the cheque, like.

BUFFALO: Hey, I like that.

BIRD: Thanks, dude.

BUFFALO: Right back at ya.

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Peanut butter?

BUFFALO: Only if it won’t go in, like. Oder Wise, strawberries and cream.

BIRD: You darty dawg. What was the question?

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Milk?

BUFFALO: Straight from da udder.

BIRD: Semi-skimmed, preferably pasteurized.

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Cats?

BUFFALO: No, thanks.

BIRD: British short-haired, one previous owner.

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Dogs?

BUFFALO: Rufffff, rufffff!

BIRD: Border collie, preferably called Shep.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

BIRD: Shhh. We haven’t finished yet…

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: City?

BUFFALO: Motown, dude, and PROUD of it.

BIRD: London town.

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Country?

BUFFALO: Yes, pliz. As often as possible.

BIRD: Dude, that’s coun-try. Where you live.

BUFFALO: Oh. Er, da United States of Yanking, natch.

BIRD: The United…

AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Thank you for your patience. Your answers will now be processed and placed on the FBI database as evidence in future prosecutions.

(beeping)

BIRD & BUFFALO: What?!

AUTOMATIC QUESTIONER: Film at eleven.