THE FIVE-MINUTE ER... 60-SECOND INTERVIEW

AFTER MUCH SOUL SEARCHING AND WRANGLING OVER ROYALTIES, THE BIRD & BUFFALO AGREED TO THE FIVE-MINUTE ER… 60-SECOND INTERVIEW FOR THE EAST FENWICK GRAMMAR SCHOOL’S “LEGENDS OF OUR TIME” HISTORY PROJECT. THE FULL INTERVIEWS, WHICH FRANK LEE, WERE DONE IN THE WORST POSSIBLE TASTE, ARE BEING EXAMINED BY PROFANITY FAIR MAGAZINE FOR PUBLICATION EARLY NEXT YEAR

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Bird & Buffalo, welcome. Who are you?

BIRD: Well, I’m Bird.

BUFFALO: And I’m Buffalo.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: One at a time, pleez. OK, let’s start with you, Mr Bird. Mr Buffalo, if you could go and sit in that cubicle with the headphones on and a Bud or two, the nurse will come and fetch you when we’re ready.

BUFFALO: Okey-doke. Good luck, dude.

BIRD: Hey, thanks, dude. Right back at ya.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: So, Birdy, now old Buffters isn’t here, tell us, what’s the most annoying habit he has?

BIRD: He salivates at the sight of erect nipples. Even his own. Most unedifying, like. Er, isn’t that Mr & Mrs, or some such poo-shite?

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Oops. Silly me. Wrong show, um, project. Question 1: who are you?

BIRD: Someone in love with the bullet. An enigma at the end of the sticky cream bun, the flatulence at the end of the rainbow. I’ll be whoever you want me to be, honey, for a price. Gawd, I hope the questions aren’t all this tough to answer, like.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: What do you write?

BIRD: Probing, some say penetrating, some say painfully tight-in-yer-face-here’s-a-hanky-darling-for-later prose.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Why do you write what you write?

BIRD: Because when I was a lad, me dear old dad perched me on his knee and said, “Son, you sure is fookin’ ugly. Like to see ya try to write yer way out of that one! Still tryin', popsie.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: What a terrible rascal your father is. But I disinvest. Why should we read what you write?

BIRD: At last, an easy question. Because the other stuff out there is first class donkey poo. In ten years time, no-one will remember Godfrey H Limpdickshitzinger and the Inspector Prozac Incendiary Mysteries. But they’ll remember us, if nothing else for the whiff we left behind.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Is the world a better place because of what you write?

BIRD: Not better. Just different. Even Limpdickshitzinger acknowledges that. Albeit in an e-mail under a pseudonym, but still. I get text messages urging me to keep writing, even though it’s been 20 years since I lost my virginity. The fans DEMAND it. Loyalty – you can’t buy it. You EARN it. I owe everything to them. Without them, I und die alte Buffinger are nada.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Last question…

BIRD: Hey, that was supposed to be the last question.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: We’ve got time for one more. Shirley or Lucy? And why?

BIRD: Omigod. You’ve done your homework. It was a long time ago. And it was settled out of court, as you well know, and to truly understand the intricacies of the Bouncing Jugs In The Quarry Incident, you need to fully appreciate the cultural and socio-political tendencies of disenfranchised youth growing up in the Shires without a pet or neighbours with teeth.

GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Thank you, Mr Bird. You’ve been most frank. If we could have Mr Buffalo in the hot seat now, nurse, pleez.

TO BE CONTINUED…

PS STOP THE CARNAGE!

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