RUMOUR HAS IT THAT THE GREAT CREATIVE THRUSTER DAVID LYNCH IS IN FRENZIED TALKS WITH DA BIRD & BUFF ABOUT REVIVING TWIN PEAKS. OUR ROVING INSIDER TELLS US MORE.
ROVING INSIDER: Due to contractual commitments and promises made whilst in a drunken stupor high on Benadryl, I will remain anonymous, but sources tell me, and a secretly recorded tape, that David Lynch is close to reviving the smash hit TV series Twin Peaks and that he is very keen to enlist the talents of our very own Bird & Buffalo. Below is a transcript of the incredibly secret and mind blowingly emotional encounter between David Lynch and B&B in an unspecified location at an unspecified time. Or it may just be a three-way conversation on Skype. It really doesn't matter. What does matter is that Birdy and Buffters will finally get the recognition, fame and notoriety that they have always craved.
DAVID LYNCH: Is that Birdy?
BIRD: Er, yeah.
DAVID LYNCH: It's David Lynch.
BIRD: David Lynch?!
DAVID LYNCH: Yeah.
BIRD: Hold on, I'll get Buffters.
BUFFALO: Get the fook outta here! David Lynch?! Kiss my bovine ass!
DAVID LYNCH: He's right, Buff.
BUFFALO: Jeepers! I'd recognise that voice anywhere. Wow! I mean, Mr Lynch, I'm your biggest fan.
BIRD: No, I am.
BUFFALO: We love all your work, especially Twin Peaks.
BIRD: Yeah, and your cameo in it was terrific.
DAVID LYNCH: Good, cos that's what I wanted to talk to you boys about.
BIRD & BUFFALO: Wowwww!
BUFFALO: We must be dreaming.
BIRD: I know I am.
BUFFALO: Keep it going, Birdy. This is great. I'm getting the theme tune and the opening.
BIRD: Yeah, me too. Any way we can fast forward this baby?
DAVID LYNCH: Boys, boys, it's not a dream. And time is short, so here's the deal. An associate of mine recently gave me a copy of your Short Poetry In Brief about the Octopiddles, and I gotta tell you, it made me laugh so hard I thought I'd burst. Broke a few ribs, I did. Anyhow, the upshot is that I'm thinking about bringing Twin Peaks back and I'd like you boys on board. You're such a pair of whack jobs, you'd fit right in. So what do you say?
BIRD: Well, I...
BUFFALO: Yep. We'll do it, we'll go the whole nine inches. Further. We're in.
BIRD: Er, yeah. All that. But what do you want us to do, Mr Lynch?
DAVID LYNCH: Well, I can't reveal that just yet, but if all goes to plan both of you will get to have your cherry pie and eat it.
BIRD & BUFFALO: Wowwww!
DAVID LYNCH: Now, have you got insurance?
BIRD: I've got car insurance, fully comprehensive.
BUFFALO: I'm working on it.
DAVID LYNCH: Good, because by the end you boys are going to be seriously screwed up. That OK by you?
BUFFALO: You bet.
BIRD: Er, I guess.
DAVID LYNCH: You'll be mostly in the Red Room talking like stoned reprobates and bleeding a lot before the gruesome discovery is made.
BUFFALO: Sounds cool.
BIRD: Certainly beats the Rabbits.
DAVID LYNCH: Oh, and by the way, this conversation never took place.
BUFFALO: What conversation?
DAVID LYNCH: And if anyone asks, you don't know me.
BIRD: Know who?
DAVID LYNCH: Good, good.
BIRD: Oh, Mr Lynch?
DAVID LYNCH: What?
BIRD: Can I read you an extract from my novel before you go?
DAVID LYNCH: Only if I can read you my address to the David Lynch Foundation for Conscious-Based Education and World Peace.
BIRD: OK. (Reads)
TEN MINUTES LATER WE HEAR DAVID LYNCH SNORING LOUDLY
BIRD: So, er, what do you think?
BUFFALO: Dude, he's snoring like a bandicoot.
BIRD: My Lynch? Mr Lynch!
DAVID LYNCH: (Snores then grunts) Wha... What? Gee, I'm sorry about that, boys, I guess I must have nodded off. Anyway, as I was saying, it's been swell talking to you both. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
DAVID LYNCH: Film at eleven.
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
Twin Peaks Returning?