Friday, April 08, 2011


(for those thinking of visiting da land of da Finns, a brief intro-vitro)

The delicious diversity and impenetrable solipsitic yearning of the people make Finland a must-see colony.  Getting there is easy.  Leaving is a spiritual and conjugational dilemma.  Finland was founded around the time of the Second Great Ice Age.  Since no records remain of this cataclysmic event, which both shaped and destroyed that which we think of as the Northern Cratersphere, and also gave birth to the Finns' undying devotion to coats of arms and questionable rituals of the nether regions, the founding of Finland is shrouded in mystery and revelatory intrigue.  It is a land of sweeping landscapes and inter-bred towns, villages and sticky communities.  Each population settlement looks different, feels different, smells different and washes different.  Physically, Finland is the land that rhyme forgot, historically, the land of rotting Swedes and rutting Russians, the land that refused to be conquered, except for half a dozen bags of gold and a couple of crates of vodka, with a few plates of chips thrown in.

Finland is harsh but fair.  Hoary winters lasting five months, with more snow than you can shake an ice cap at and sub zero temperatures which have frozen many a pair of active balls.  The summers are mild but frenetic due to all the catching up on lost rogering time.  Travellers intending to visit Finland in the summer are strongly advised to watch the Acclimatise To Finland In Summer video provided free at in which the most noticeable feature of the landscape are the stray bonking couples in every public and private place you can think of.  Please note that during the summer months there is a temporary lifting on the ban on mutual orgasmic activity in a neighbour's shed, tractor or sled. Reindeer are fair game too.

The Finnish people are nothing if not unique, thoughtful, wistful, playful, patriotic and totally insane.  The traveller who has not enjoyed a Finn's company obviously has no social skills to speak of, is rightly shunned by his own people and will be spotted immediately at the airport, port, border crossing point and will not be granted entry into the colony, and/or may be arrested and flogged in an ancient ceremony which may involve cruelty to fruit and the shelling of assorted nuts and some nudity and follicle mutilation.

Finland is awash with festivities and dubious practises which either put hair on your chest or take it off, so it is irrelevant what time of year you choose to visit. As long as you enter Finland with an open mind and easily removable clothing, you are guaranteed a warm reception and a mind altering, possibly brain damaging experience.  Come on in!


1 comment:

Christopher Hudson said...

Hey, a Michigan winter makes me insane. You guys get about the same number of comments to your posts that I do ... but does that stop us?