Thursday, January 17, 2008


BIRD: You OK, dude?

BUFFALO: Do I sound OK? Of course I'm not OK. I'm fookin' depressed, OK?

BIRD: Not cos they're closing down yer library, like?

BUFFALO: Yes, cuz they're closing down my library. I've spent many a happy hour there. You know what they say about gal librarians with glasses, doncha? Well, it's all true. They go like rockets. Stick a strap on 'em and they could work for NASA.

BIRD: So you're sad that the site of your despicable acts with bespectacled damsel librarians whose names you no longer recall will be reduced to bubble rubble, innit?

BUFFALO: Not just that. I discovered Joyce there. And Henry Miller. And Reggie Chivers for chrissakes.

BIRD: Reggie who?

BUFFALO: Oh, don't give me that shit. Reggie Chivers, author of The Porking Principle.

BIRD: Sorry, dude, you lost me past the greyhound track.

BUFFALO: Oh, come on. It's a seminal work of the taffeta underground.

BIRD: Taffeta wot? Xplain, pliz, Lucy.

BUFFALO: Jeez. The Porking Principle, in a runt shell, is this: when one is porking, one feels a moment of pure joy and well-being, beyond pleasure and pain, longing and queueing. To pork is to know that one is truly in touch with one's personal enmity.

BIRD: I see. So it's a piece of hippy shit, like?

BUFFALO: Yup. Got good illustrations too. Angles you'd never have thought possible.

BIRD: And wot of Chivers now?

BUFFALO: Sadly no longer with us. Porked out at 50.

BIRD: Crikey. So he's the reason for your abject depravity and extreme self-reversion?

BUFFALO: Yup. And boy did I make those angles work, if you get m'drift.

BIRD: But how come his book was in the library? Sounds salacious. Radical even.

BUFFALO: I didn't get his book in the library. I read it in the library then tried out his theories, over in Fiction. And that's when I discovered Joyce and da udders.

BIRD: Right. So Actual Lee, you woz using the library as a porking shop, like?

BUFFALO: Didn't you when you were young and horny?

BIRD: Er, well, just the once. I admit, it gave the intermingling a certain frisson.

BUFFALO: You're right dere, Birdy. Somethin' about being surrounded by all those learned dudes' literary endeavours... gives me the wood just thinkin' 'bout it.

BIRD: Ah, Buffters, you truly are a genuine perv.

BUFFALO: Why, thank you, Birdman. And to that end, I have invited Clare along to the Science Fiction section today for an ickle space-age boffing afore they close the place for good.

BIRD: Nice.

BUFFALO: As da old Chivers used to say...
Pork while you may
Pork night and day
Pork till you drop
Pork underneath or on top
Pork till you stop
Pork, don't flop

BIRD: Porking at eleven?

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!


Nonnie Augustine said...

Very good. Udderly porcine!

GC SMITH said...
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GC SMITH said...
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GC SMITH said...
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GC SMITH said...

"Too much pork
for just one fork" *
my gal's booty
is a beauty,
round and firm
man she can squirm
when we're porkin'

Pork, pork, pork;
fun not work

* Southern Culture On The Skids

On Durgs said...

I am your most big fan.
You bring honour to my screen, and for that I salute both you and your bird friend.