BUFFALO: At 2 AM, G-Force used his one and only phone call to let me know he’s in jail. Driving with a suspended license. Third offense. What should he do? After careful thought, I advised him to gently extract his cranial appendage from his rectal orifice. Or, just hang himself. He promised to think about it. And then he wrote this note:
You've always been a true friend to me. And you've always said you'd take a bullet for me. A monster banger up the carpal tunnel too. And I respect that. And I know that over the years I have given you mucho shito with my wikkid ways. So I thought you should know, in case the tab doesn't work, compadre, that it was I that fooked up your marriage and got your sad ass fired from the production company. Indeed, if you hadn't been so fixated on watching Blazing Saddles YET AGAIN on TCM that hoary night in November, you woulda noticed me shivering like a skinned coyote behind your refrigerator with frozen balls the size of melons.
If it's any consolation, dude, balling your wife was about as exciting as shooting that drifter who tried to steal my chain saw. Which I also have told nobody about till now, bud.
O what the fook, dude. Let's face it. I'm a bad ass mother follicker and I deserve everthing that's coming my way. And I don't want you feeling sorry for me, Buff, after I'm gone. Cos with any luck, the bank WILL return all your funds and the credit card bangers won't charge you any interest on the few transactions that came to pass so that I could scoot.
And don't try and find me, dude, cos if anything happens to me, the puppy gets it. I think you know what I'm saying.
Oh, and one more thing - Clare, the chick you were doing until that unfortunate accident with the pitch fork - I porked her too. And Chrissy and Desiree and just about every other woman that ever showed you as much as a sleeve of their affection. And after what I told them, I doubt if you'll be doing any bone jumping for a VERY LONG TIME.
So, so long, loser. You deserve all the shit that's floating slowly your way. And believe me, dude, there is a LOT of it in the pipeline.
PS Not quite the boob you thought, huh, sucker?
Well, folks, there is a moral in there, but I'm Freddied if I know what it is. What does the G stand for? Well, what do you think?!