DICK VON FUXX REVELS ALL

FROM THE SECRET BLOG OF DICK VON FUXX, THE PREMIUM ADULT ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR

They say all the talent is deserting Limehouse for LA. But as everybody knows, with the spiralling production costs in the States, the industry is unsustainable in LA and once the great studios of Muffdom and Anal Sis are crippled by debt and thrown into receivership the doors will be thrown open to all sorts of amateur sickos waiting to flood the market with cgi-enhanced faked orgasm bullshit. So all I have to do is play the waiting game. In a matter of months, weeks even Limehouse will be the buzz on everyone’s lips and I, Dick von Fuxx III, shall assume my rightful place in filthy old pervs’ history.

After the years in the wilderness of sweat and toil, trying to turn seedy adult films into an art form, the world is about to acknowledge me for the outstanding auteur that I am. No more shall I have to endure the demeaning label of porn peddlar. My films shall stand alongside the truly filthy stuff of Bertolucci and others as unforgettable, groundbreaking works of art. The public shall come to see that the on screen gang bang is no more than a cinematic means to a spiritual enlightenment end that is not possible in blockbuster action films and soppy romcoms. “From the collective orgasm to universal freedom!” as Big Cock Drummond utters in the inimitable The Importance Of Being An Onanist, based on Oscar Wilde’s marvellous play. But I must admit, my shaggy poodle Paint Pot, keeps me sane. And having unlimited totty on tap helps keep my Freddy off the ground. Blimey! Is that the time? Time for a spot of champers. Cheers, everyone!

DICK VON FUXX WILL RETURN IN
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN WANGER
STARRING ERIC LANGENSCHLONGENHOSER & TINA TITFEST

SPIDER-MAN 3 - THE TRAILER BY PEDRO ALMODOVAR

Toby Maguire looks positively ravishing in a blonde wig made of goats' pubes in this special Pedro Almodovar edition of Spider Man 3. Filmed secretly in parallel as the Sam Raimi version, with actors waiving their fees because they had so much fun "discovering sensual spots and holes they never knew existed", Almodovar brings out all the hedonistic ambiguity and transcendential pseudo-soliptic metaphysical mind jerkoff of the original script considered by many studio insiders as more saucy than a nun on a jumbo candle in the Mojave desert. The true existential angst and blatant desire of Spider Man to as Almodovar puts it, "look like my mum before the gender reassignment" is committed to film here and explored in a way that would make even Caligula faint. Not to be missed. Only watch with your closest friends and fellow thrill seekers.

TWINSPEAK

BUFFALO: Hey, buddy! Fancy seeing you here. Get this, dude. I've got a date with Audrey Horne.

THE HUDSTER: Audrey Horne? That name sounds familiar. Did we go to school with her?

BUFFALO: Nope.

THE HUDSTER: Well, where's she from, then?

BUFFALO: Twin Peaks, berky.

THE HUDSTER: Waa? Twin Peaks? Like the fookin' TV show?

BUFFALO: Aye.

THE HUDSTER: Audrey Horne, huh?

BUFFALO: Right.

THE HUDSTER: Dude, wasn't she the chick that could eat a cherry and tie the stem in a knot with her tongue?

BUFFALO: Jawohl, Mein Herring.

THE HUDSTER: What was her name? Her real name, I mean.

BUFFALO: Sherilyn Fenn.

THE HUDSTER: Sherilyn Fenn. Hey, she was the smokin' hot chick that had the hots for Kyle McLaughlan, right?

BUFFALO: The very one.

THE HUDSTER: She had incredible eyebrows. So you're telling me that you have a date with Sherilyn Fenn?

BUFFALO: No, you plank, get the shit out of your ears, I have a date with Audrey Horne.

THE HUDSTER: Oh, OK. Right, dude, Audrey Horne, the fictional character.

BUFFALO: That's right.

THE HUDSTER: I get it. I think. So where are you picking her up?

BUFFALO: We're going to The Great Northern.

THE HUDSTER: That monster ass hotel where she lived? The one that was owned by her father, what'shisname...

BUFFALO: Ben Horne.

THE HUDSTER: And he had a brother, right, a short-assed little twerp...

BUFFALO: Jerry.

THE HUDSTER: Right! Ben and Jerry, like the two ice cream moguls.

BUFFALO: Precisely.

THE HUDSTER: And you're picking her up where?

BUFFALO: Here, dude.

THE HUDSTER: Dude, are you on the bug juice again?

BUFFALO: Nope. I only just got here. Are you hearing that? The Laura Palmer theme song? This cafe rocks, donnit?

THE HUDSTER: The Friars? It's OK.

BUFFALO: Not The Friars, dude. This place, the RR Cafe. Every drop of coffee, every piece of pie. It's beautiful, dude. Just seeing all this for the first time with new eyes. D'you know Special Agent Dale Cooper hasn't got a mean bone in his body? Utterly charming, utterly naive. And that's how I'm gonna be from now on. At least till Audrey shows. You know what I realised about this film I call my life? That all the cruel things said and done to me just make me say and do cruel things. Don't rise to it, Dale says. You want redemption, forgiveness, salvation, love? It's through that door, that one over there, the one that Audrey Horne just walked through. And now, mon amici, you're on your own.

Audrey, hi! Over here!

SHERILYN FENN: Dale, good to see you.

(Telephone rings for several minutes then stops)

GO FALLING IN THE LINK...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBdH6SjBEX8&feature=related

WHAT'S FOR TEA, DORIS?

THE RUNNER-UP IN MARTHA'S MUFFINS SIMMERING GENTLY POETRY OF THE LOST MILLENNIUM SPONSORED BY YouBoob IS...

WHAT'S FOR TEA, DORIS?

Safe in

the

glow

Of

A

Dung Beetle's

Poo

What's for tea,

Doris?

HOROSCOPES R US INC.

BY POPULAR DEMAND, THE AULD BUFFTER GAZES INTO HIS CRYSTAL BALL, TWEAKS IT A LITTLE & REVEALS THE FORTUNES FOR DA ASSES FOR DA WEEK AHEAD. WATCH OUT FOR ADDITIONAL COLLATERAL ON YouTube.

ADVANCE WARNING: IF YOU BELONG TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING STARSIGNS, IT AIN'T LOOKIN' THAT GOOD. BUT HEY, GET OVER IT.

CANCER

You'll be smarting inside because your Uncle Bill has serious designs on your keister. Ignore all insults today. If you stand up for yourself you will be bitch-slapped into next Thursday. News about a publishing, educational, or travel matter will please you very much, but will turn out to be a hoax. Family connections are the key to obtaining your heart's desire. Invite all your relatives to a party, then break into their homes and rob them blind.

LEO

You'll be adventurous today. Some will meet with unexpected romance, while others will feel creatively inspired. Be independent without being too touchy. The special word that will bring joys irrefutable is counteravuncular!

VIRGO

In your rush to get things accomplished, don't overlook some important details. Otherwise, progress is assured. You made the right decision on an intimate issue--love and sex mean more.

LIBRA

Use the day to think about domestic concerns. Consider leaving your wife and family before it's too late. Later, you'll be out for good times, but try not to spend too much at the titty bars tonight. Some tricky sonofabitch may steal your wallet. Keep your zipper closed.

SCORPIO

You may be at a loss if you combine business with pleasure today. An old friend returns to help you out; out of your clothes. Don't let him in the door. You will be tempted to hit on your secretary today, but don't do it. She is itching to slap a sexual harrassment suit on your dumb ass.

SAGITTARIUS

Speak your mind tactfully at a group affair, or Security will frog-march you to your car after you are fired on the spot. Avoid business negotiations today. You are bipolar and your brain has cycled in "retard" mode. Nothing will go as you planned tonight, but keep your big mouth shut or you'll be pummeled senseless by a lesbian biker gang and left for dead in the middle of Highway 61.

CAPRICORN

The highlight of your day will be a loose stool in the morning, which will keep you busy mopping up the floor until you're late for work. Your boss will not be pleased with your productivity, but he's a douche bag, so who gives a rodent's ass? You'd be better off to stay in bed all day and get a firm grip on your Freddy.

AQUARIUS

Your appetite for having good times will burn hot today. Get to the VD clinic ASAP. Try not to let today's pleasures distract you from obligations that need tending; set up that appointment for your girlfriend's counselling. If you take advantage of positive overtures to lower your guard a little, you will be kicked squarely in the nuts. Pray a lot.

PISCES

You want to improve your income and your work output, so go ahead and embezzle corporate funds and then pad the hell out of your timesheets. Tonight have a loving dialogue between you and a partner, but make sure your spouse doesn't find out. Your political savvy isn't worth a fudge rocket today, so cooperate with others on an important group project or exposed as an incompetent boob.

ARIES

This is a shite day for romance... hell, for any endeavor for that matter. Some may find love (in prison) or enjoy children (baked, broiled, or in a stew). Creativity? Forget it. You will be groggy from another hangover and your roommate will plug you before you even get out of bed. Don't put up a fight; he has a knife. Better to just grab your ankles and take it like a man.

TAURUS

You will be restless today, knowing that the authorities are closing in on you. As for concentration, forget it. You'll be lucky if you can remember to wipe your own ass. Avoid shopping today. If you aren't robbed blind by unscrupulous merchants, you'll be arrested again for shoplifting. But if you do go shopping, don't forget to stock up on Depends. Try to stay off the sauce for a change unless you're next on the list for a liver transplant.

GEMINI

The day promises both career and financial advances, but of course will not deliver. You can try to get ahead, but you'll be lucky if you don't lose your ass. Try not to get invited to any work or neighborhood soirees as they've all been targeted for drive-by shootings. Avoid looking for kitty after dark; you'll be arrested for soliciting.

DYLAN SAYS: SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube

I balanced ma' tool, brought Woody to mind,
The beers to come seemed nuthin' but grief
I'm blowin' in the wind, me and ma' behind
In balance with ma' mojo, but I can't get no relief

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GImgXAg-Sh4

SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube, NOW, DUDES!
DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES

INFERNAL QUESTIONS & THE EVER PIDDLING STREAM OF CONSCIENTIOUSNESS

BUFFALO: So many questions, so little time.

BIRD: What now?

BUFFALO: Call me Rodney, but I've never been happy, nay, I have no concept of happiness, I don't expect to be happy, I don't even WANT to be happy and as for reassessing my life - from what to what? Today, I'm here. Yesterday, I was there. Tomorrow, I'll be somewhere else. Really, dude, it's no big deal.

BIRD: Maudlin again, are we?

BUFFALO: Dude, I am THIS close to pulling my Magnum out and blowing me fecking brains out.

BIRD: Why don't you?

BUFFALO: Coz it won't solve anything, willit? Coz the bad karma will come get me over there, on the udder side of da fence. Coz say what you like, we are all more than just carbon. Coz somewhere I can be, and not in a fizzy logical sense, if ya get m'drift. Bluddy Rud Yard and his If. Not if but somewhere. Somewhere I belong. Somewhere I shall overcome. Somewhere, as Eisenstein once said - forward! Somewhere I shall be at one with the Universal Power Grid of dreams and archetypal douche bags. As Wittgenstein put it - “Uttering a word is like striking a note on the keyboard of the imagination.” Or as Olaf Dribble, the Swede that never was put it - "How many apples?"

BIRD: Bravo, El Buffters! Well spoken. But if X and Y don't get on, what hope is there for the rest of us?

BUFFALO: In the ever piddling stream of conscientiousness, hope rings but it's always the wrong number.

BIRD: Wow.

BUFFALO: The debtors are at my door, dude. Pray for me. And the Dark One is mustering her forces for one last Putsch. And we both know there is nothing worse than a failed coup d'etat. If I'm not back by this time to Myra, shake a leg, and cup yer cake, coz this ear Bovidae is a-roaming no more. Arf, arf!

AND IN OTHER NEWS:
Potty Dotty calls for democracy in Minnesota;
Sparky says no to toe jam and hello to Joe's mam;
and Walter Egoless says "I've never had id so good!"

COMING SOON:
DYLAN MAKES IMPASSIONED PLEA FOR POETRY ON YouTube. No, Really.

CHEERS, ZIMMERS! ON YouTube

THIS JUST IN FROM DA WHO:

Gawd bless ya, Zimmers! I woz havin' a Ruby Murray, thinking about getting bucket and spade, when me Al Capone rang and some geezer told me the Zimmers had done us proud. Cheers! Baked potato. Keep rocking!

rubber glove
Roger


S'pose it's in a good cause but the guitar solo is rubbish. That chick third from the left in the back row's kind of hot, though.

All the best
Pete
x

AND THE REVIEW THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT:
It meanders playfully in a daze of gargantuan contentment, effortlessly transforming erstwhile biddies to hitherto unknown levels of awareness and contextual gravitas. I defy anyone to listen to this song and not soil themselves then cry uncontrollably over past misdemeanours. A cultural hiatus at the crossroads. Unforgettable!

Dave Digitalis-Profunderer
Rolling Stoned

AND DON'T TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT. DOWNLOAD IT NOW & MAKE THE CODGERS ETERNALLY PLENTIFUL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

POOR CHARLIE... CAMPAIGN FOR POETRY ON YouTube

Poor Charlie, he always loved parping
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cramped for him his Percy Bysshe gave way
They said

Oh ho ho ho, it was up, down, sideways always
(Still the cork popped whilst frumping)
I was much too far out in virtual, dude
And not waving but dumping

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeKGZaoda1c

SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube now!
Download your poem on YouTube & Educate & Alleviate the Asses

GIMME DA JOB, DUDE!

IN DESPERATION & IN VIEW OF AN IMPENDING COURT CASE, THE AULD BUFFALO HAS FINALLY BITTEN THE SAUERKRAUT & APPLIED FOR A JOB AT McDonald's. IN A MATTER OF HOURS, HE WILL DISPATCH THE FOLLOWING JOB APPLICATION, WHICH IS SHORTLY TO APPEAR ON YouTube. NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK, YOU KNOW WOT I MEEN. ANY INSENSIBLE SUGGESTIONS GREAT FULLY RECEIVED. BTW UNTIL THE MULTIMILLION DOLLAR OPTION FOR HIS SCREENPLAY ABOUT THE GREAT ALLEVIATOR & SOCIALLY BACKWARD IMMOBILIZER JEREMIAH JUGHEAD ENTITLED JUGS ARE MY LIFE COMES THRU, THIS IS HIS ONLY HOPE! PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.

NAME: Splendor G. Mainwaring.

SEX: Now and then.

DESIRED POSITION: On top.

EDUCATION: I am in favor of it.

LAST POSITION HELD: Venison counter.

SALARY: Forty bucks an hour.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Teri Winderski.

REASON FOR LEAVING: She was preggers.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anything except Happy Hour.

PREFERRED HOURS: Noon to 1PM, Sundays.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? I am adept at finding the Mons Venus within 2.5 seconds.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had a current employer I wouldn't be wasting my time on this application.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Yes, a quadruple hernia and an impacted bandicoot.

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? No, but I'd have no trouble stealing one.

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I won the Bud Lite pissing contest three years in a row, and am frequently recognized by my children and my dog.

DO YOU SMOKE? I don't know, I never looked.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Huh? Oh, sure. The heavens never lie.

SIGN HERE "Welcome to Arkansas, Home of Bill Clinton. In Compliance with Megan's Law, the Above is a Known Sex Offender".

YouTube CUMZ GUD

Omigod! After much wrangling and incentivisational inducements, YouTube have given the red, blue, amber, indigo light to I...
Is this the beginning
Or merely end to end?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhRNlCTTr4w

SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube NOW! DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES!

IF... CAMPAIGN FOR POETRY ON YouTube

If I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a cyber interactive rabbit-poo festooned field
That is forever Pubistan

Jeremiah Jughead

SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube NOW! DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES

THE RIGHT GUFF ON YouTube

WATSON: I say, Holmes...

HOLMES: Yes, Watson?

WATSON: I've just been offered half a million big ones to dish the dirt on you, old chap, what what what.

HOLMES: Watson, old man, what dirt could you possibly be referring to?

WATSON: Oh, you know, old beanster, those terribly naughty pastimes you pursued as a lad.

HOLMES: My dear Watty, I hardly think they would be of any interest even to my official biographer Jeremiah Jughead.

WATSON: Oh, come now, Holmes, you know that were the public to become acquainted with some of your youthful wayward practices, there would be demands for your head.

HOLMES: Now listen to me, my good man, anything I told you about guffing at school and kissing girls on their belly buttons in the tool shed by the light of a glow worm must never be committed to paper.

WATSON: Oh, really? So you ARE ashamed of your past?

HOLMES: Not in the slightest, dear boy. But these juvenile experiences do not maketh the man or shed any light on the genius that was to follow.

WATSON: Well, there's a turn up for the books. The great Sherlock Holmes attempting a cover up.

HOLMES: You know, Watson, I never thought of you as a greedy man. Or an amusing one, come to think of it, but I digress. I fail to see why you are trying to provoke me on this fine sunny day when Hudders is in full blossom and you are perfectly smitten.

WATSON: Well, Holmes, I just think it's time that you faced your demons. Maybe publishing a warts and all book about you will prove cathartic, put you at ease with your gremlins.

HOLMES: Watty, I am at perfect ease with my misguided misdemeanours, and frankly, doesn't everyone do things in the flame of youth they'd rather not dwell on?

WATSON: Not me, old boy.

HOLMES: Oh, dear, Watson. Game, set and match, I'm afraid. Caught in your own dastardly web of self-indulgence. You forget that you told me ALL your secrets one drunken night in the Limehouse Tavern.

WATSON: Now look here, Holmes, I may have compromised Lucinda underneath the cherry tree, and I may have overfamiliarised myself with Geraldine by the stables, and indeed I may have had wayward hands in the sweet shop on occasion, but I did NOT guff. My dear mama and papa would never sanction such a thing.

HOLMES: Ah, so this is what this is all about. You think I've guffed, don't you? And you want me to apologise.

WATSON: Well...

HOLMES: How petty you can be at times. Exhibit A...

WATSON: What? Toby?

HOLMES: Elementary, my dear teen slayer.

WATSON: But but but...

HOLMES: I fear it was the scotch eggs Hudders fed him for breakfast.

WATSON: Oh, Toby! You poor mutt.

HOLMES: And there he goes again. I fear we shall have to vacate shortly.

WATSON: Toby poos! Please forgive us for feeding you that rotten old salmanella thingie.

HOLMES: Come, Watson, we have work to do. And don't think you're off the hook, old man. Sherlock Holmes may forgive but he NEVER forgets.

WATSON: Crumpet at eleven?

HOLMES: Not 'arf!

MUCUS EXTRACTION BANNED IN PUBISTAN

Yes, it's true, my freedom loving, tub thumping, freestyle humping chums! The People's Democratic Republic of Pubistan has just passed a law to ban making the picking of one's nose in public places an offence as of June 1st 2007. This inhuman, highly provocative and ultimately self-implosive act will prevent anyone over the age of two years of age with or without a runny nose from dealing appropriately with the offending snotpiece. It will also mean, since all vehicles and barns, sheds, garages, greenhouses and outside toilets have been designated as public areas, that any citizen caught in the aforementioned structures partaking of a bit of picky wicky of the honourable bogey will be liable to the maximum punishments under the law, which are as follows:

For the first offence: the nose shall be knitted together by needle and thread for a period of no more than ten years, and no less than nine years, eleven months and 30 days.

For the second offence: one or both nostrils shall be removed with the use of malnourished wild hogs specially bred for the procedure.

For the third offence: the nose shall be removed altogether with the use of the Pubistan all-in-one snothole slicer (patent pending).

For the fourth offence: the offender shall be cast out of his/her community, have heavy shackles attached to his/her legs and at the count of three be thrown into the Black Lagoon at midnight on the first day of the month and left to rot for ten calendar days.

For the fifth offence: the perpetrator will be unceremoniously fed to the rabbits of State Farm Number 16 and his/her entrails made into bargain rabbit burgers for the international market.

Stop the snot haters now! Write to your local MP, Member of the House of Representatives and Senate, the Mayor, the butcher, the baker, the chemist, the dressmaker, the stall holder, the handyman, the beach babe, the inventor of the iPod or digg or Joost or YouTube, or Technorati even and ROLL A BOGEY TODAY ON INTERNATIONAL PICK YOUR SNOT WITH PRIDE DAY ON JUNE 1st 2007 in solidarity with our brothers and sisters in Pubistan whose nasal passages and quiet moments of contemplation in front of family, friends and selected pets will be ruined forever if we do not act NOW!

TO PLEDGE YOUR FULL SUPPORT FOR SAFEGUARDING THE EXTRACTION OF MUCUS IN PUBISTAN & THROUGHOUT THE WORLD - JEEZ THEY'LL BE BANNING SMOKING & CREAM CAKES WITH CHERRIES ON TOP NEXT!!! - PLEASE EMAIL keeppickingsnotfree@SNOT4ALL.com

Thank you, good night and may your nostrils go with you.

JOOST IS THE WORD

Well, actually, it's not. But to be incontrovertible, what is Joost? What does it taste like? What does it smell like? What does it look like? Where does it live? What lies beneath all the hype and the slime? Should MySpace and YouTube and Britney feel threatened? Is Second Life out of breath? Is Google about to be God no? Is Adsense ass sense? Is blogroll no better than bog roll? Is there beauty in the beast? Is the environment a nice place to live? Is silverlight as translucent as Bakolite? Are cream crackers really so smooth? Is vitamin C the tablet of choice? Is the Year Zero a band or a brand? Is Digg not all that groovy? Are current events as sexy as Kent? Is the vacuum the cleaner or the wiser? Is open-source a scar or a spot? Can HD-DVD be better than Pal? Is Ajax a place or a powder? Is Coke still cool or all bubbled out? Are the children safe or about to grow old? Isn't it time to stop calling me baby? What is war if not the absence of peace? Is daily life not finally at an end? Where is American Idol going? Are you really my friend? Must people scowl?

Ink-wiring minds...

NEW FEATURE: IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?

TOMCHIK, A MAN OF MYSTERY, SOME SAY HALF LITERAL/HALF VERSUPIAL. AN INQUISITOR IF EVER THERE WOZ ONE. ASK HIM ANYTHING & HE'LL... THINK ABOUT IT. A GENIUS IN HIS OWN SHOPPING BASKET, A LEGEND IN HIS OWN CROTCH, LADIES & GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU...
IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?

BIRD: So anyway, I was wondering...

TOMCHIK: Yes?

BIRD: Well, maybe you could tell us about yourself, make the readers feel comfy with you.

TOMCHIK: Well, it seems to me, you know, that possibly this will not happen, but I will endeavour.

BIRD: That's the spirit. Now here's a little getting to know Tomchik questionnaire. First, is it true that I invented you in Thomas Mann's own image because you have your nose stuck in a book, even whilst making love?

TOMCHIK: I have been known to turn a few pages during fornication, this is an accurate statement.

BIRD: And you are medium height?

TOMCHIK: That is so.

BIRD: Medium build?

TOMCHIK: It would appear to be the case.

BIRD: You have receding curly black hair on an unusually large jutting forehead?

TOMCHIK: Well, yes, I agree.

BIRD: And you have large Bambi black eyes?

TOMCHIK: They have been referred to as cute by certain members of the female population.

BIRD: And you are still searching for the seventh dimension?

TOMCHIK: Yes, that and the missing chapter from Lady Chatterley's Lover.

BIRD: And your favourite meal is Uzbek dumplings with lamb and pilau rice?

TOMCHIK: Don't forget the green tea with oatmeal biscuits.

BIRD: As if. OK, here goes. Favourite colour?

TOMCHIK: Black, although indigo has its merits.

BIRD: Dog or cat?

TOMCHIK: Fruit bat, actually. A fascinating creature.

BIRD: Airplane or train?

TOMCHIK: Bicycle, if possible. Although I did suffer a terrible head wound the last time I cycled in central London. One really doesn't know how to educate the thoughtless inner city driver.

BIRD: Top five books ever?

TOMCHIK: I could not possibly give you an answer before sometime next week, but the most influential book on my way of thinking has been Only Cowgirls Get The Blues by Tom Robbins, and on my way of preparing food The Beginner's Guide To Mastering Bacon by Alain de Jamrolly.

BIRD: The last film you saw?

TOMCHIK: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, on DVD. It rekindled my fondness for basketball and all things medicinal.

BIRD: Favourite pastime, apart from reading?

TOMCHIK: I like to walk and swim and fish and rummage through people's bins for objects of interest.

BIRD: Most embarrassing moment during puberty?

TOMCHIK: Discovering that my mother couldn't ski. No, that my father could not play the piano OR build his own radio transmitter.

BIRD: Most embarrassing moment in adulthood?

TOMCHIK: Losing a volume of Proust's Remembrance Of Things Past somewhere between Barnet & Camden Town on the Northern Line of the London Underground whilst under the influence of a wine gum.

BIRD: That's great. I think our readers are now building up a picture of you. Now it's time for the punchline.

TOMCHIK: I am ready.

BIRD: Alvin Toffler states in The Third Wave, that ageing societies will be using new medical technologies from self-diagnosis to instant toilet urinalysis to self-administered therapies delivered by nanotechnology to do for themselves what doctors used to do. Well, IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?

TOMCHIK: It seems to me that this pronouncement largely depends on many factors which once factored into the multitude of existing factors and those factors which do not at present exist but will one day come into being and thus, one's understanding of the fundamental proposition must be by its very nature compromised.

BIRD: Wow. I think you're going to fit in nicely on the blog. Tomchik, thanks for dropping by. We'll be back next week with more mouthwatering utterances and gutterances in IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?

AND YOU CAN VISIT THE IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK? PODCAST SHORTLY ON YouTube & OTHER CLASSY OUTLETS

ANTONELLA BARBA DOWN DEEP & DARTY ON DA YOUTUBE

BUFFALO: Antonella who? Did wot?

BIRD: Antonella Barba. American Idol, dude. She's gonna win it, Apparent Lee, by a head. Her vid is doin' a gagging trade on da YouTube, like.

BUFFALO: Wot vid? Xplain, pliz, Lucy.

BIRD: It's incredible. Pushing the boundaries. Breaking new ground.

BUFFALO: Holy salivations! Wot in Theodore Digitalis's name is she doin' innit?

BIRD: Gardening, dude. Getting down deep and darty.

BUFFALO: Wot, with a trowel and shrubs 'n' stuff?

BIRD: Yahhh-p. The way she strokes that hoe - it's electrifying!

BUFFALO: Omigod! I'm gettin' that Olivia Newton-John Grease moment all over again. Just wot exactly is she doin' wid dat hoe, dude?

BIRD: Cutting the border on the lawn.

BUFFALO: No! Ohhh...

BIRD: Yes. And you know wot she does next?

BUFFALO: Don't tell me, lemme guess. Cuts the lawn?

BIRD: Yahhp! Slowly, methodically, like a real pro. Wiping her hot, sweaty face and brow as she goes.

BUFFALO: Oh Merciful Marigolds! Is she wearin' a hat?

BIRD: Yahhp.

BUFFALO: A baseball hat?

BIRD: Yahhp.

BUFFALO: A New York Yankees' baseball hat?

BIRD: Yahhp.

BUFFALO: Ohhhh... And the vid's on YouTube, you say?

BIRD: Was.

BUFFALO: Was?!

BIRD: It was voluntarily pulled - too many elderly male gardeners were having seizures, like.

BUFFALO: But of course.

BIRD: But the good news is...

BUFFALO: Go on.

BIRD: You can still see the full 15-minute unedited feast of horticultural celebration at http://www.sexygardening4beginners.com/.

BUFFALO: Wow. Clicking as we speak.

BIRD: I tell ya, dude, when she pops that wet grass onto the compost heap down by the potting shed and starts cleaning her tools...

BUFFALO: Dude, dude, don't spoil it! Ohhh, yeah... there she goes to the shed. She's getting the lawn mower out... Oh, Antonella, you darty gal...

BIRD: Film at eleven?

BUFFALO: Watering at twelve! Arf, arf!