HOROSCOPES R US INC.

BY POPULAR DEMAND, THE AULD BUFFTER GAZES INTO HIS CRYSTAL BALL, TWEAKS IT A LITTLE & REVEALS THE FORTUNES FOR DA ASSES FOR DA WEEK AHEAD. WATCH OUT FOR ADDITIONAL COLLATERAL ON YouTube.

ADVANCE WARNING: IF YOU BELONG TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING STARSIGNS, IT AIN'T LOOKIN' THAT GOOD. BUT HEY, GET OVER IT.

CANCER

You'll be smarting inside because your Uncle Bill has serious designs on your keister. Ignore all insults today. If you stand up for yourself you will be bitch-slapped into next Thursday. News about a publishing, educational, or travel matter will please you very much, but will turn out to be a hoax. Family connections are the key to obtaining your heart's desire. Invite all your relatives to a party, then break into their homes and rob them blind.

LEO

You'll be adventurous today. Some will meet with unexpected romance, while others will feel creatively inspired. Be independent without being too touchy. The special word that will bring joys irrefutable is counteravuncular!

VIRGO

In your rush to get things accomplished, don't overlook some important details. Otherwise, progress is assured. You made the right decision on an intimate issue--love and sex mean more.

LIBRA

Use the day to think about domestic concerns. Consider leaving your wife and family before it's too late. Later, you'll be out for good times, but try not to spend too much at the titty bars tonight. Some tricky sonofabitch may steal your wallet. Keep your zipper closed.

SCORPIO

You may be at a loss if you combine business with pleasure today. An old friend returns to help you out; out of your clothes. Don't let him in the door. You will be tempted to hit on your secretary today, but don't do it. She is itching to slap a sexual harrassment suit on your dumb ass.

SAGITTARIUS

Speak your mind tactfully at a group affair, or Security will frog-march you to your car after you are fired on the spot. Avoid business negotiations today. You are bipolar and your brain has cycled in "retard" mode. Nothing will go as you planned tonight, but keep your big mouth shut or you'll be pummeled senseless by a lesbian biker gang and left for dead in the middle of Highway 61.

CAPRICORN

The highlight of your day will be a loose stool in the morning, which will keep you busy mopping up the floor until you're late for work. Your boss will not be pleased with your productivity, but he's a douche bag, so who gives a rodent's ass? You'd be better off to stay in bed all day and get a firm grip on your Freddy.

AQUARIUS

Your appetite for having good times will burn hot today. Get to the VD clinic ASAP. Try not to let today's pleasures distract you from obligations that need tending; set up that appointment for your girlfriend's counselling. If you take advantage of positive overtures to lower your guard a little, you will be kicked squarely in the nuts. Pray a lot.

PISCES

You want to improve your income and your work output, so go ahead and embezzle corporate funds and then pad the hell out of your timesheets. Tonight have a loving dialogue between you and a partner, but make sure your spouse doesn't find out. Your political savvy isn't worth a fudge rocket today, so cooperate with others on an important group project or exposed as an incompetent boob.

ARIES

This is a shite day for romance... hell, for any endeavor for that matter. Some may find love (in prison) or enjoy children (baked, broiled, or in a stew). Creativity? Forget it. You will be groggy from another hangover and your roommate will plug you before you even get out of bed. Don't put up a fight; he has a knife. Better to just grab your ankles and take it like a man.

TAURUS

You will be restless today, knowing that the authorities are closing in on you. As for concentration, forget it. You'll be lucky if you can remember to wipe your own ass. Avoid shopping today. If you aren't robbed blind by unscrupulous merchants, you'll be arrested again for shoplifting. But if you do go shopping, don't forget to stock up on Depends. Try to stay off the sauce for a change unless you're next on the list for a liver transplant.

GEMINI

The day promises both career and financial advances, but of course will not deliver. You can try to get ahead, but you'll be lucky if you don't lose your ass. Try not to get invited to any work or neighborhood soirees as they've all been targeted for drive-by shootings. Avoid looking for kitty after dark; you'll be arrested for soliciting.