ODIOUS CHORES ABOUND

BIRD: It was when I was working in the morgue, like.

BUFFALO: Dude, do you mind? I'm just having mah break da fast innit.

BIRD: Sorry, dude. Just thought you'd like to hear it.

BUFFALO: Now why would I wanna hear anyfink to do with da Grim Reaper, lad?

BIRD: Well, you know, when you said things couldn't get any worse...

BUFFALO: Dude, will I have to change mah shorts after this here tail?

BIRD: I thought you were made of tougher stuff, dude.

BUFFALO: OK, let me have it. I'll cross me legs and clench me butts.

BIRD: Well, I used to have to sweep up and clean and stuff.

BUFFALO: And whilst you woz sweepin' and cleanin' something moved, right?

BIRD: How did you know?

BUFFALO: Shaggy stories an' all. Long as it ain't real, I can cope.

BIRD: Oh, this was real OK, Buffters. So anyway, I was sweeping round this slab and...

BUFFALO: The dead guy sat up and scared the living detritus outta ya!

BIRD: Not quite, dude. The sheet came up, the guy who was supposed to be dead sat up and asked me if I knew what day it was.

BUFFALO: Tee-hee. I's enjoying this, dude. Carry on.

BIRD: So I told him. Friday the 13th...

BUFFALO: Feckin' A! Mah-vellous! Soiling meself here, dude! It's the way ya tell 'em!

BIRD: And then he said "Damn, I'm going to miss the wedding." So I said "What wedding?" And he said "My son's wedding."

BUFFALO: Oh, dude. Now dat ain't funny! Re Right, now!

BIRD: So I said "This isn't happening. Wake me up now." I thought I was going cuckoo, like. Then he said "Don't be afraid, I'm not staying. Just take him this message, will you?"

BUFFALO: Message? What message? Where? He's nekkid innit. Storytelling violation, deducted five points.

BIRD: A verbal message, wombat.

BUFFALO: Five points reinstated.

BIRD: He said "Tell him it's all a dream." Then he rolled his eyes upwards and fell back down on the slab stone dead.

BUFFALO: Hehehe. Mah-vellous. Well told, lad.

BIRD: Now, in my quieter moments when I look to the odious chores ahead, I remember those words and wonder.

BUFFALO: I wonder - where my next meal's gonna come from and if my ex will ever reinstate visiting rights and if it's time I started to get rid of all my old toys and if we're all connected why does no one ever connect to me and where do flowers go in the winter and how far can you kick a fudge rocket and why is everyone getting younger.

BIRD: All legitimate concerns, dude, but answer me this: When you wake up in da morning are you glad to be alive or wishin' you were dead?

BUFFALO: Depends who's lying next to me.

BOTH: Rimshot!

BUFFALO: And whether she's dead or alive.

BOTH: Double rimshot!

BUFFALO: And whether she can do it again one more time for the cameras.

BOTH: Triple rimshot!

BUFFALO: Hahaha. K, dude. Lunch time. Me beans and greens are up.

BIRD: Blazing Saddles at eleven.

BUFFALO: Parp, parp!