SPARKY 8 ME-ME

EIGHT THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT SPARKY.

WARNING ADVISORY: NOT SUITABLE FOR THOSE WHO HAVE JUST HAD BREAKFAST. MAY ONLY BE READ BY MINORS ACCOMPANIED BY A PARENT

SPARKY: OK, here goes, man. First thing you didn't know about me is I got a very small bladder.

BUFFALO: Jeez. The WHOLE world knows that, Sparkers. Give us sumfin' truly deeply revelatory.

SPARKY: I love the smell of Napalm. Got some in my wardrobe for a rainy day.

BUFFALO: Fookin' Nelly! You really are a weird fookeroo, y'know that? Next.

SPARKY: I lost my virginity at the age of ten when I saved a 17-year-old brunette cheerleader from treading on a pitch fork just outside Pasadena. Name of Trudy. Last thing she said to me was, "Now beat it, punk shite". If only I could find her now...

BUFFALO: Getting better. Next.

SPARKY: I cheated on Cindy with all the other dolls. Don't matter any more... now she's melted, man.

BUFFALO: Oh, Sparkers. That roaming rod of yours'll get you into big trouble one of these days. Go on.

SPARKY: My favorite film is Lassie Come Home. When I was young, I wanted to be that dog! Still do.

BUFFALO: Digging a mighty hole for yerself here, dude. Next.

SPARKY: My Uncle Ray wasn't my uncle. He's my brother. But he never knew. Dumbass shoulda twigged it, considerin' he's ten years YOUNGER than me. He's layin' out there in Nam beneath the begonias.

BUFFALO: Got anything normal for us, perchance?

SPARKY: Got a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on my left testicle.

BUFFALO: That's normal?

SPARKY: Wanna see it?

BUFFALO: Uh, not right now, dude. OK, this is number eight, Sparkers, old chap, so make it a good one.

SPARKY: Man, I ain't got an eighth. And I feel real cheap now that I've told ya all my secrets. No wonder Potty Dotty kicked my ass into touch.

BUFFALO: There is one more, isn't there?

SPARKY: Jehovah's H Michaelmas! Are you tryin' to destroy me, man?

BUFFALO: Say it, dude. It's OK.

SPARKY: No way, man.

BUFFALO: It's part of the healing process, remember?

SPARKY: O wot the fookery. OK. I had sex with my psychiatrist in Wal-Mart by the sausage counter. Satisfied?

BUFFALO: Very. Now run along, Sparkers, you must be dyin' for a...

SPARKY: Sure am, man. Hey, you said I'd feel better afterwards.

BUFFALO: I also said that Cindy's coming back, didn't I? Boy, you is one gullible eedjit.

SPARKY: Gee, thanks, man. Gotta run now before I burst my pipe.

BUFFALO: Film at eleven. Arf, arf!