JEREMY YOUTUBE LEMONS JUGS ARF, ARF

BIRD: Well, that went well.

BUFFALO: Sure did.

BIRD: And the, ah-hm, donations are flying in.

BUFFALO: Yowzer to that, dude. Got holes in me socks and I need a new hooter.

BIRD: Hmm. Yes. Anyhoo, you know that Jeremy guy?

BUFFALO: The one who's got a blog called jeremyindiapers or somefink?

BIRD: In pants. Jeremyinpants. Nothing on it yet, but we'll keep an eye out for developments. Well, he wrote us the mostest coolest e-mail.

BUFFALO: Respect.

BIRD: So good, infarct, that I reproduce it here for your highest of pleasures.

BUFFALO: Right-o.

BIRD: And he writes: "Dear Bird & Buffalo, Last year I lost my wife, my cat, my goat, my mind and my rare Mongolian birds stamp collection. And then you two loons came into my life. I just wanna say... Ch-ch-cho-cho... Gimme a minute, will ya? Choking up over here."

BUFFALO: Poor fookster.

BIRD: "I just wanna say when I read the extract from Helmut's novel yesterday..."

BUFFALO: Ralf, dude. Ralf. Bueffel indeed! Schweinhund shagger.

BIRD: "When I read the extract from Helmut's novel yesterday, I realised that just about anyone can write a novel then send it off to those wise guys at Babelfish, sign on the dotted line and make a mint. So..."

BUFFALO: Omigod. Here it comes.

BIRD: "So I wondered if you'd take a look at what I knocked together over an omelette and chips last night in my cramped but nice bedsit in Peckham?"

BUFFALO: Peckham? Any relation to Pecker?

BIRD: It's a suburb of London, dude.

BUFFALO: Oh. Do we have to read this?

BIRD: Yep. "Well, OK, it's not finished yet, but it starts off in a fairly lively fashion. 'He came round the bend and stuttered to a halt. Where was the gravy?'"

BUFFALO: That's it?!

BIRD: A-ha. So what do you think? Has it got legs?

BUFFALO: Tell me life's too short. Tell me.

BIRD: Wait, the e-mail's not finished yet. "And where can I find Sharon and the dancing titties? YouTube keeps saying 'File not found'. Love you guys. Wicked."

BUFFALO: The durty auld perv. We'll send you the link.

BIRD: And lastly... "Is it too late for my 8 Me-Me's? Here goes.
1. I wear my Y-fronts back to front to improve my circulation.
2. I've ghost written a biography for five prime ministers and sixteen presidents worldwide, but I wouldn't advise it. They pay very shitty rates.
3. I stole my great aunt's pet Yorkshire terrier shortly before she died and renamed her Horny.
4. I always mis-spell my name on forms, so people will remember me.
5. I think Titanic is the greatest film EVER made and I still find Celine Dion a total Freddy teaser.
6. My big left toe has two nails.
7. I shave under my arms and around my gonads. My girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend was a bit of a stroker.
8. I'm learning the Collins Millennium dictionary word by word, for a laugh. Just got up to "enarthrosis". Looking forward to "en brochette".

Cheers

Jeremy Hoopla
PS Ha-ha. That's not my name. Can you guess what it really is?"

BUFFALO: Jeez. Another nutjob. Wot is it about us that attracts every wacko in town?

BIRD: Jeremy Hoofer, or whatever your name is, he didn't mean it. He's trying to be ironic. If you could only see his eyebrows slewing like waves...

BUFFALO: Yeah, Jez. Don't mind me. I haven't been laid since the summer.

BIRD: Nae true, laddy.

BUFFALO: Well, OK, a few weeks ago. And the nights are drawing in.

BIRD: What about last weekend?

BUFFALO: Doesn't count. Money changed hands, remember?

BIRD: Oh, Buffo. You'll have to stop taking them to those exclusive restaurants. KFC is perfectly adequate.

BUFFALO: I tell ya, those cherries were so ripe...

BIRD: Yes, all right, Buffters. What the mind doesn't see the imagination can fill in. So, anyway, here's to the next interactive, coming soon.

BUFFALO: Can't wait! And Sharon's new YouTube video, in which she juggles a dozen lemons on her jugs to the tune of Bachman Turner Overdrive's You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet!

BIRD: Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!