SCARLET LIPSTICK IN THE AFTERNOON

BIRD: So anyway, I was in my car, sticking on some lipstick, and this policeman comes up to me.

BUFFALO: Yeah?

BIRD: He says, "You're a bit of all right? Have you got five minutes?"

BUFFALO: Durty mutt.

BIRD: And I says, "No, officer, you don't understand, I'm doing research for me novel. This isn't the real me."

BUFFALO: Wot lipstick did ya put on, Birdy?

BIRD: Well, it was a nice sunny day, so I whacked on a bit of the scarlet.

BUFFALO: Nice.

BIRD: So... he says to me, "Nice legs." So I says, "Officer, I am about to meet a 6ft 7 inch cross dresser called Joe who would not take awfully kindly to that remark. I humbly suggest... you do one."

BUFFALO: Quite right too.

BIRD: So... he says, "Stop playing hard to get, bitch. I know your game, you dirty little todger teaser. You're stirring my truncheon. I suggest you get out of the car. Or onto the back seat."

BUFFALO: Omigod. So wot did ya do?

BIRD: Well... Joe comes along, sees the policeman, swaggers over and says, "Hey, there, birdy. Is this plod bothering you? Ask him about the fresh octopus."

BUFFALO: Huh?

BIRD: So the policeman says, "There's no need for that, Joe. We've all got our foibles."

BUFFALO: So true.

BIRD: So Joe says, "Now run along and play with your bagpipes." At which point the policeman disappears smartish and Joe says, "You don't mind if my twin brother George joins us, do you?"

BUFFALO: Jesus H Christ.

BIRD: At which point I slammed me foot on the accelerator and got the hell out of there. Take my advice, Buff, never go under cover.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!