MIDSOMER'S M**F MILARKEY

BUFFALO: So how'd the interview go, Birdy?

BIRD: Well, Buff, old chum, it went something like this...

DICK XXX: So Mr Bird, you want to be in my movie?

BIRD: Er, well, yeah, if that's all right.

DICK XXX: OK. There's just a few routine questions I need to ask before we proceed further.

BIRD: OK.

DICK XXX: Right. Have you got a penis?

BIRD: Er, I did have, the last time I looked, like.

DICK XXX: Good. Good. Have you ever been an arse double before?

BIRD: No, can't say that I have.

DICK XXX: Do you cry during sad movies?

BIRD: Nope. Usually I vomit, like.

DICK XXX: Have you ever laid under the stars?

BIRD: Yes, by a very attractive brunette. She was visiting a friend of mine, a local sculptor. We had an impromptu picnic behind the YMCA – on a grassy slope. We shagged like otters on a patchwork quilt. One of the best days of my life, hactually.

DICK XXX: Have you ever sat on a woman's pride and joy in anger?

BIRD: Never. Only with deep respect. (sighs)

DICK XXX: What's under your bed right now?

BIRD: Er, two dumbbells, 30 copies of Which Thumbscrew magazine and an inflatable octopus.

DICK XXX: Ice cream or cheese cake?

BIRD: Cheese cake.

DICK XXX: Up or down?

BIRD: Down.

DICK XXX: In or out?

BIRD: Out.

DICK: Karma or Kama?

BIRD: Oh... Er, could you repeat the question?

DICK XXX: Karma or Kama?

BIRD: Oh, dear. Um...

DICK XXX: Have to hurry you.

BIRD: Karma.

DICK XXX: Black or white?

BIRD: White!

DICK XXX: Pink or green?

BIRD: Green!

DICK XXX: Light or dark?

BIRD: Dark!

DICK XXX: Left or right?

BIRD: Left!

DICK XXX: Say "Ahhhh!"

BIRD: Ahhhh!

DICK XXX: Say "Ahhhhhh!"

BIRD: Ahhhhhh!

DICK XXX: Say "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

BIRD: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

DICK XXX: Well done, Mr Bird. Next!

BIRD: But but but but but but...

DICK XXX: Yes?

BIRD: How did I do?

DICK XXX: Spiffing. Sparkling. Gazunda-roo.

BIRD: So I got the job?

DICK XXX: No. We don't give high-profile arse double jobs to pathological liars. Good day!

****

BIRD: So, you see, Buff, that was that.

BUFFALO: Bummer.

BIRD: Absolutely. Don't write the cheque out, Momma!

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!