BIRD: Wot's happnin', dude?
BUFFALO: Nuffink much. Just reading about that darty old muff muncher Bertie Einstein.
BIRD: Eh? Xplain, plis, Lucy.
BUFFALO: Great new bio just out - Einstein: Quantum Chick Magnet. Did you know, Birdy, that Einstein married his second wife Elsa cuz she was well endowed, like?
BIRD: Great fornicating follicles, Buffters! Is nothing sacred?!
BUFFALO: He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
BIRD: Fascinating stuff.
BUFFALO: For real. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
BIRD: Rimshot!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
FIVE REASONS TO GET OUTTA BED IN DA MAWNIN'
ER... WOT YER THINK, BUFF? WILL ANY OF THESE GET YA OUTTA BED?
1. You'll get fired if you don't.
BUFFALO: Nope.
2. Your heart will become even weaker than it already is then it'll give out altogether.
BUFFALO: Years of unbridled rogering and solvent abuse will get me first, Birdy, so wot's da hurry?
3. Someone is stealing your car.
BUFFALO: Dude, it's insured!
4. There is a special package at the door.
BUFFALO: I've got all my movies from NetFlix so I don't give a feck!
5. The bed is on fire.
BUFFALO: Yeah, that oughtta do it!
1. You'll get fired if you don't.
BUFFALO: Nope.
2. Your heart will become even weaker than it already is then it'll give out altogether.
BUFFALO: Years of unbridled rogering and solvent abuse will get me first, Birdy, so wot's da hurry?
3. Someone is stealing your car.
BUFFALO: Dude, it's insured!
4. There is a special package at the door.
BUFFALO: I've got all my movies from NetFlix so I don't give a feck!
5. The bed is on fire.
BUFFALO: Yeah, that oughtta do it!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY AFORE YE CROAK
IF YOUSE THINKING 'BOUT KICKING DA BUCKET & WANT TO BE WELL REMEMBERED, LIKE, DON'T SAY NONE O' DESE:
1. DAVE (HALIFAX, ENGLAND) TO HIS BELOVED NANCY: "At least I won't have to fake my orgasms any more!"
2. BERYL (SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE) TO HER HUBBY OF 60 YEARS, NIGEL: "How I've put up with your ugly mug and farting for England all these years I'll never know."
3. JEAN-JEAN (BELIZE) TO HIS EGYPTIAN POODLE: "Zis is le end, mon pooch. After toi, non?"
4. BORIS KOKBLOWNOFF (KRASNODAR, SIBERIA) TO TWIN BROTHER ALF: "Tell Lenin I miss him and don't forget to feed the swans on the lake, twin comrade of mine!"
5. WALKING TEPID (SOMEWHERE ON LAKE MICHIGAN) TO WAVING BULL IN SKY: "Rising Turd has come for me, I go now to Universal Flush. Geronimo!"
1. DAVE (HALIFAX, ENGLAND) TO HIS BELOVED NANCY: "At least I won't have to fake my orgasms any more!"
2. BERYL (SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE) TO HER HUBBY OF 60 YEARS, NIGEL: "How I've put up with your ugly mug and farting for England all these years I'll never know."
3. JEAN-JEAN (BELIZE) TO HIS EGYPTIAN POODLE: "Zis is le end, mon pooch. After toi, non?"
4. BORIS KOKBLOWNOFF (KRASNODAR, SIBERIA) TO TWIN BROTHER ALF: "Tell Lenin I miss him and don't forget to feed the swans on the lake, twin comrade of mine!"
5. WALKING TEPID (SOMEWHERE ON LAKE MICHIGAN) TO WAVING BULL IN SKY: "Rising Turd has come for me, I go now to Universal Flush. Geronimo!"
Thursday, April 10, 2008
FIVE FILMS TO SEE BEFORE YOU DIE
1. BAMBI - The first time interspecies love was taken seriously - "Thumper, I think I love you..."
2. DAS BOOT - For making subtitles cool again! - "Dive! Dive! Der feckin' Englischen want us get-toten, ja!"
3. LASSIE COME HOME - For giving unwanted twerps everywhere hope - arf, arf!
4. GET CARTER - Michael Caine, innit - "You''re only supposed to blow the bluddy doors off!"
5. DEBBIE DOES DORSET - Cos nobody does Dorset quite like Debbie - "So little time but still haven't blown Bournemouth. Ick!"
2. DAS BOOT - For making subtitles cool again! - "Dive! Dive! Der feckin' Englischen want us get-toten, ja!"
3. LASSIE COME HOME - For giving unwanted twerps everywhere hope - arf, arf!
4. GET CARTER - Michael Caine, innit - "You''re only supposed to blow the bluddy doors off!"
5. DEBBIE DOES DORSET - Cos nobody does Dorset quite like Debbie - "So little time but still haven't blown Bournemouth. Ick!"
Sunday, April 06, 2008
MAXIM & UDDERS ON INSOLENT RUDDER
BIRD: Shameful self-emulation, I know, but have you heard about Maxim Ripyorebollokov's Notes From Pubistan in the excellent mag Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net?
BUFFALO: Birdy, you know what happens when you introduce a character within a character.
BIRD: Dude, it's not me. Not the REAL me. And Maxim's a pal. In need.
BUFFALO: Now hold on there, buddy. Am I talking to you, Maxim, or Stu?
BIRD: Eh? Me, natch. Why'd you ask?
BUFFALO: Cos I just don't know any more. And what's the deal with the editor of Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net? This Tim Ljunggren dude... Isn't he the Sage of Sweden?
BIRD: Is he? Who told you that?
BUFFALO: You did, you plank!
BIRD: Oh. You know, I really don't know. I mean, I've parleyed with him on Skype and all and NOTHING he said led me to believe he's in any way a Swede-oh.
BUFFALO: Tim Ljunggren?
BIRD: No, dude! The Sage of Sweden!
BUFFALO: Jeez, Birdman. I feel like I don't know my ass from my Freddy these daze. Wikkid zine, though, dude. Some seriously cool stories and those cartoons... Marja Hagborg is AWESOME!
BIRD: You better believe it.
BUFFALO: So anyhoo, wot's this Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net all about, like?
BIRD: It's about deviating, turning moments.
BUFFALO: Excuse me?
BIRD: If you were a boat, you'd have an insolent rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net steering you off the chartered course and being uppity about it too...
BUFFALO: Hey, I like dat!
BIRD: Spread the word.
BUFFALO: Sure will. And Maxim Ripyorebollokov... he doesn't really work as an innards consultant at State Rabbit Farm 69, duzee?
BIRD: Who knows? Maybe he's not even a writer.
BUFFALO: Yeah, dat figures.
BIRD: Laters.
BUFFALO: Yo!
(telephone rings)
BUFFALO: Captain Nemo, you say? Sure, put him through...
BUFFALO: Birdy, you know what happens when you introduce a character within a character.
BIRD: Dude, it's not me. Not the REAL me. And Maxim's a pal. In need.
BUFFALO: Now hold on there, buddy. Am I talking to you, Maxim, or Stu?
BIRD: Eh? Me, natch. Why'd you ask?
BUFFALO: Cos I just don't know any more. And what's the deal with the editor of Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net? This Tim Ljunggren dude... Isn't he the Sage of Sweden?
BIRD: Is he? Who told you that?
BUFFALO: You did, you plank!
BIRD: Oh. You know, I really don't know. I mean, I've parleyed with him on Skype and all and NOTHING he said led me to believe he's in any way a Swede-oh.
BUFFALO: Tim Ljunggren?
BIRD: No, dude! The Sage of Sweden!
BUFFALO: Jeez, Birdman. I feel like I don't know my ass from my Freddy these daze. Wikkid zine, though, dude. Some seriously cool stories and those cartoons... Marja Hagborg is AWESOME!
BIRD: You better believe it.
BUFFALO: So anyhoo, wot's this Insolent Rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net all about, like?
BIRD: It's about deviating, turning moments.
BUFFALO: Excuse me?
BIRD: If you were a boat, you'd have an insolent rudder at http://www.insolentrudder.net steering you off the chartered course and being uppity about it too...
BUFFALO: Hey, I like dat!
BIRD: Spread the word.
BUFFALO: Sure will. And Maxim Ripyorebollokov... he doesn't really work as an innards consultant at State Rabbit Farm 69, duzee?
BIRD: Who knows? Maybe he's not even a writer.
BUFFALO: Yeah, dat figures.
BIRD: Laters.
BUFFALO: Yo!
(telephone rings)
BUFFALO: Captain Nemo, you say? Sure, put him through...
Friday, April 04, 2008
INTERNATIONAL DISTURBED BUDDIES DAY
THIS BLOG HAS RECEIVED HUNDREDS OF MESSAGES OF SUPPORT FOR THE BIRD AND BUFFALO ON THEIR DAY - INTERNATIONAL DISTURBED BUDDIES DAY. HERE IS A SAMPLE:
SAMMY, BRIGHTON, ENGLAND:
Dudes,
I know you're total whack jobs but keep up the blog, OK? I love it. It takes me to another place whilst I can't physically get there cuz I've got these belts holding me down. Give my regards to Dale when you see him next.
PS Ever tried geraniums? They're seriously yummy!
DAVE, FLORIDA:
Dudes,
I feel your pain, dudes. Want me to shove my shotgun up your asses and pull the trigger? Gimme your address, I'll be round REAL soon.
JANET, ALASKA:
Dudes,
Have you ever thought about what it's like to be a squirrel without a Freddy? I do wonder sometimes. I hope the surgery works, don't you?
FRED, CALIFORNIA:
Dudes,
You've helped me rediscover myself in a refreshing way not unlike that of a pixie in the long grass. My case comes up on Tuesday.
JUAN, BARCELONA:
Dudes,
I worship the cyber space upon which you defecate on an involuntary basis. If only I could have bowels as big as yours. You rock!
DANA, BOSTON:
Dudes,
You can fondle my whimsies anytime.
x0x0x
TIM, BERLIN:
Dudes,
Flying without wings is so cool. Who's the father and who's the son? Do moths really feel anything when they burn? I thought I heard something. Is the door half open or half shut?
RACHEL, LONDON:
Dudes,
I'm yours. Well, anyone's, actually. When you're in London, call my mum and ask for me. I'll be there for you. You know that.
HERBERT, KIEV:
Dudes,
I am stuck here. I don't know how it happened. The strawberries are taking over the cabbages. Is it not inevitable, already.
AND MANY, MANY MORE.
THANK YOU AGAIN FOR JOINING US ON OUR JOURNEY TO THE LIGHTBULB
COMING SOON: THE ORIFICE PART #2
(telephone rings)
BUFFALO: Well, if Proust rings again, just tell him to f**k off!
AUDREY: I've tried that but he keeps dragging up the past.
BUFFALO: Jeez. He needs to get laid.
AUDREY: Talkin' of which...
BUFFALO: I'll be right over.
SAMMY, BRIGHTON, ENGLAND:
Dudes,
I know you're total whack jobs but keep up the blog, OK? I love it. It takes me to another place whilst I can't physically get there cuz I've got these belts holding me down. Give my regards to Dale when you see him next.
PS Ever tried geraniums? They're seriously yummy!
DAVE, FLORIDA:
Dudes,
I feel your pain, dudes. Want me to shove my shotgun up your asses and pull the trigger? Gimme your address, I'll be round REAL soon.
JANET, ALASKA:
Dudes,
Have you ever thought about what it's like to be a squirrel without a Freddy? I do wonder sometimes. I hope the surgery works, don't you?
FRED, CALIFORNIA:
Dudes,
You've helped me rediscover myself in a refreshing way not unlike that of a pixie in the long grass. My case comes up on Tuesday.
JUAN, BARCELONA:
Dudes,
I worship the cyber space upon which you defecate on an involuntary basis. If only I could have bowels as big as yours. You rock!
DANA, BOSTON:
Dudes,
You can fondle my whimsies anytime.
x0x0x
TIM, BERLIN:
Dudes,
Flying without wings is so cool. Who's the father and who's the son? Do moths really feel anything when they burn? I thought I heard something. Is the door half open or half shut?
RACHEL, LONDON:
Dudes,
I'm yours. Well, anyone's, actually. When you're in London, call my mum and ask for me. I'll be there for you. You know that.
HERBERT, KIEV:
Dudes,
I am stuck here. I don't know how it happened. The strawberries are taking over the cabbages. Is it not inevitable, already.
AND MANY, MANY MORE.
THANK YOU AGAIN FOR JOINING US ON OUR JOURNEY TO THE LIGHTBULB
COMING SOON: THE ORIFICE PART #2
(telephone rings)
BUFFALO: Well, if Proust rings again, just tell him to f**k off!
AUDREY: I've tried that but he keeps dragging up the past.
BUFFALO: Jeez. He needs to get laid.
AUDREY: Talkin' of which...
BUFFALO: I'll be right over.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
THE PROUST OUTSIDE WITHIN
BIRD MET MARCEL PROUST LAST NIGHT WHILST WALKING THE MIND. HE REMINDED HIM OF A CHANGE IN THE WEATHER AND...
BIRD: In the mirror every reader finds herself in him.
PROUST: Time passes, and little by little everything that we have spoken in falsehood becomes true.
BIRD: Regress. Regress. To recreate second nature composed of masterpieces and neurotics is merely an instrument of the mind that is not going to last, right?
PROUST: Wow. But I don't understand.
BIRD: Habit is happiness, don’t you know?
PROUST: You mean we become moral when we are unhappy.
BIRD: Of course not, you wombat. You know, I really do think final decisions communicate strength within the cruelties of enchantments and powers which serve unhappiness and other inedible delights, don’t you?
PROUST: Didn’t I say something like that once?
BIRD: Don't be silly, what I said was profound. How vain you are!
PROUST: It’s just we do not succeed in changing things according to our desire, but gradually our desire changes.
BIRD: Pardon my French, but that's just bollocks. But grief has not been quite himself of late.
PROUST: You've gone too far now. What the hell do you mean by that?
BIRD: Nothing. Keep your toupee on. It's just you are not the person I saw a moment ago. In fact, I do believe you’re not a person. You don’t look like a person and with all those words shrouding you I fail to see how you could possibly inhabit your person in any other way but as a non-person.
PROUST: If you're referring to the past…
BIRD: It's painful to the end. Yes, I know. When did you become the non-entity you were yesterday, today, forever, hm? Never wavering.
PROUST: You know what, Birdy? F**K YOU!
(telephone rings)
BIRD: Yes, Audrey, I know. Touchy fooker, innie? Put Dale on, would ya? Cheers!
THE PROUST OUTSIDE WITHIN by The Bird & Buffalo is now available in all disreputable bookshops and massage parlours.
COMING SOON - PROUST IN HIS OWN WURST: A MAN ON THE EDGE OF XYLOPHILIA by The Bird & Buffalo (XXX + 1 rated)
BIRD: In the mirror every reader finds herself in him.
PROUST: Time passes, and little by little everything that we have spoken in falsehood becomes true.
BIRD: Regress. Regress. To recreate second nature composed of masterpieces and neurotics is merely an instrument of the mind that is not going to last, right?
PROUST: Wow. But I don't understand.
BIRD: Habit is happiness, don’t you know?
PROUST: You mean we become moral when we are unhappy.
BIRD: Of course not, you wombat. You know, I really do think final decisions communicate strength within the cruelties of enchantments and powers which serve unhappiness and other inedible delights, don’t you?
PROUST: Didn’t I say something like that once?
BIRD: Don't be silly, what I said was profound. How vain you are!
PROUST: It’s just we do not succeed in changing things according to our desire, but gradually our desire changes.
BIRD: Pardon my French, but that's just bollocks. But grief has not been quite himself of late.
PROUST: You've gone too far now. What the hell do you mean by that?
BIRD: Nothing. Keep your toupee on. It's just you are not the person I saw a moment ago. In fact, I do believe you’re not a person. You don’t look like a person and with all those words shrouding you I fail to see how you could possibly inhabit your person in any other way but as a non-person.
PROUST: If you're referring to the past…
BIRD: It's painful to the end. Yes, I know. When did you become the non-entity you were yesterday, today, forever, hm? Never wavering.
PROUST: You know what, Birdy? F**K YOU!
(telephone rings)
BIRD: Yes, Audrey, I know. Touchy fooker, innie? Put Dale on, would ya? Cheers!
THE PROUST OUTSIDE WITHIN by The Bird & Buffalo is now available in all disreputable bookshops and massage parlours.
COMING SOON - PROUST IN HIS OWN WURST: A MAN ON THE EDGE OF XYLOPHILIA by The Bird & Buffalo (XXX + 1 rated)
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