GIMME DA JOB, DUDE!

IN DESPERATION & IN VIEW OF AN IMPENDING COURT CASE, THE AULD BUFFALO HAS FINALLY BITTEN THE SAUERKRAUT & APPLIED FOR A JOB AT McDonald's. IN A MATTER OF HOURS, HE WILL DISPATCH THE FOLLOWING JOB APPLICATION, WHICH IS SHORTLY TO APPEAR ON YouTube. NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK, YOU KNOW WOT I MEEN. ANY INSENSIBLE SUGGESTIONS GREAT FULLY RECEIVED. BTW UNTIL THE MULTIMILLION DOLLAR OPTION FOR HIS SCREENPLAY ABOUT THE GREAT ALLEVIATOR & SOCIALLY BACKWARD IMMOBILIZER JEREMIAH JUGHEAD ENTITLED JUGS ARE MY LIFE COMES THRU, THIS IS HIS ONLY HOPE! PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.

NAME: Splendor G. Mainwaring.

SEX: Now and then.

DESIRED POSITION: On top.

EDUCATION: I am in favor of it.

LAST POSITION HELD: Venison counter.

SALARY: Forty bucks an hour.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Teri Winderski.

REASON FOR LEAVING: She was preggers.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anything except Happy Hour.

PREFERRED HOURS: Noon to 1PM, Sundays.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? I am adept at finding the Mons Venus within 2.5 seconds.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had a current employer I wouldn't be wasting my time on this application.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Yes, a quadruple hernia and an impacted bandicoot.

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? No, but I'd have no trouble stealing one.

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I won the Bud Lite pissing contest three years in a row, and am frequently recognized by my children and my dog.

DO YOU SMOKE? I don't know, I never looked.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Huh? Oh, sure. The heavens never lie.

SIGN HERE "Welcome to Arkansas, Home of Bill Clinton. In Compliance with Megan's Law, the Above is a Known Sex Offender".