LOVE SUCKS

BIRD: It’s like a fookin’ tomb in here, Buff.

BUFF: Oh, that’s because I’ve been up to my ass in vampires lately, dude.

BIRD: Vampires? What are you doing mucking about with the Undead, like?

BUFF: Gotta come up with a new title for “Bloodsuit”. Hud says those wonkers in Hollywood all think it’s a horror film and they won’t read the fookin’ script. Hud thinks the title should be more romantic like, and also make it clear that it’s about Dracula, who’s become an attorney and is shagging his old lover Lucrezia Borgia, who’s also an attorney, and also make it clear that they’re duking it out in court over a billion dollar lawsuit.

BIRD: Blimey, that’s a tall order. I always liked “Bloodsuit” myself.

BUFF: I know, but Hud’s in Hawaii watching his wing-ding float in a lagoon, slurping Poi, surrounded by Hula girls in grass skirts with Hibiscus flower pasties on their great articulated nips. I fear he's gone native.

BIRD: The darty old Hudster. How about “Bloodsucking Attorney and Smokin’ Hot Sorceress Duke It Out in Court and Shag Like Sea Otters ‘Til the Dugongs Come Home”?

BUFF: Not bad. It gets the point across. Bit windy, though.

BIRD: “Drac Loves Lucy”?

BUFF: I already ran that one up the flagpole, and Hud piddy-widdled on it. Do you like “Courting Lucrezia”?

BIRD: Bit lame, innit?

BUFF: Well, it is more romantic, like. And there’s the double entendre.

BIRD: Yeah, it’s totally lame.

BUFF: Miserable auld Willy Wonker, always widdling on my parade.

BIRD: Does it really matter? Won’t the studio change the title anyway?

BUFF: Of course. They’ll probably call it “Love Sucks!” or some such shit.

BIRD: So go with that, beat ‘em to the Punch and Judy, like.

BUFF: Yeah, right… then they’ll call it “Blood on the Bailiff” or “Vampire Verdict” or something equally nauseating. You can't win with those assholes. I should try honest work for a change – like robbing graves or summat.

BIRD: There’s a good theme for a Holmes adventure, Buff.

BUFF: Hmmm, you could have something there. It’s a dark and stormy night on Baker Street, raining cats and Cocker Spaniels, and Holmes and Watters send out for a curry pizza. . .

BIRD: . . and some twit delivers a cadaver by mistake!

BUFF: Right, and Watson says…

WATSON: I say, Holmes, it’s bad enough that Katmandu Pizza’s gone and delivered us a stinking cadaver, but they’ve left off the anchovies again.

HOLMES: Worse than that, Watson, this cadaver is highly suspect. I have reason to believe that it was obtained illegally.

WATSON: Blimey, Holmes, how could you possible deduce that with no evidence whatsoever?

HOLMES: On the contrary, Watson, this corpse is crawling with evidence.

WATSON: Damned if I can see it, Holmes. The filthy swine’s so covered with curried rice it’s hard to make out any clues at all.

HOLMES: If you look more closely, you’ll see that the rice is moving, Watson.

WATSON: Eh, what? Ah, so it is. It’s maggots, then… filthy, slimy maggots… which could explain why it didn’t taste like curried rice at all.

HOLMES: Forget the vermin for now, Watson. They don’t tell us much, except that this cadaver is several days old, and hasn’t been properly refrigerated.

WATSON: Scandalous. Hand me the telephone, Holmes, I’m going to report those damned tricksters to the authorities. Baked fresh to order, indeed…

HOLMES: Hold the inside leg, Watson. Unless my ears deceive me, I think I hear Mrs. Hudson taking delivery of our pizza this very moment.

MRS. HUDSON: Oh, Mr. Holmes, your filthy curry pizza has arrived!

WATSON: Shall I go and retrieve it, Holmes?

HOLMES: As you wish, Watson, though I’ve quite lost my appetite. When you return I want you to call the pizza parlor and repeat the order you gave them earlier.

WATSON: Should I mention the missing anchovies, Holmes?

HOLMES: No, repeat the order verbatim.

WATSON: Very well, Holmes, but I thought you’d gone off your feed?

HOLMES: And so I have, Watson… but unless I’m very much mistaken, I think your order will result in the delivery of another cadaver.

WATSON: Well, if it does, as Heracles is my witness, I'll go back to burgers.

LATER...

MRS. HUDSON: Oh, Mr. Holmes, there’s a tradesman around the back entrance with another filthy body. Shall I send him up or tell him to clear off?

HOLMES: Send him up, Mrs. Hudson, straightaway. The topping is afoot. Finally, a murder to get my teeth into!

WATSON: Here we go again...