EVERCREST COMES TO TOWN

WATSON: I say, Holmes.

HOLMES: Yes, Watson?

WATSON: We should have a conservatory built what what what. Evercrest are offering some spiffing good deals, you know.

HOLMES: Conservatories are for the chattering classes. You and I don't chatter, we deduce.

WATSON: It's a bit dark, this room, don't you think? And stuffy too. We could do with more light and fresh air, hm?

HOLMES: You mean so we roast in the summer and freeze in the winter? And let's not forget that the blasted thing will be full of rodents and wasps and spiders and will be positively awkward to clean.

WATSON: I thought you liked creepy crawlies and things.

HOLMES: I do, when they're out THERE, where they belong. Have you forgotten about my allergies and skin rashes?

WATSON: Oh, yes, of course. If a bluebottle so much as lands on your arm, you swell up like a melon. Most distressing.

HOLMES: Well, I was perfectly fine before you roped me into your little experiment to find a cure for lumbago.

WATSON: Holmes, old chap, I did warn you of the risks.

HOLMES: You mean a permanently damaged stomach lining and chilblains in July?!

WATSON: You're not going to let me forget this, are you, old man? Every time there's a slight altercation or the possibility that I may be winning the argument, you trot out the old lumbago thing. It won't do, you know. People will begin to think you're a whinger what what what.

HOLMES: And I haven't had a decent night's sleep since then. Why you ever thought toe jam and frog's droppings in a cup cake would cure that particular ailment I shall never know.

WATSON: You didn't have to eat it.

HOLMES: I trusted you.

WATSON: Nonsense. You were going for glory. Being the greatest detective the world has seen EVER just wasn't enough for you. You wanted to be the first man to be cured of lumbago too!

HOLMES: Watson, I didn't have lumbago until you started poking me about. I should've kicked you out on your ear for that one.

WATSON: Oh, come now, Holmes, you'd never do that. Who would you have to feel superior over, to treat like a bungling buffoon who provides cheap and cheerful amusement of an evening?

HOLMES: True. Oh, I suppose a conservatory wouldn't be so bad. And one does have to consider one's standing in the community.

WATSON: That's the ticket, Holmes. Now shall we have the three facet Victorian, the five facet Victorian, the Georgian or the gable or the box gutter? The three facet is aesthetically pleasing but the five facet presents a more rounded appearance, don't you think?

HOLMES: Oh, I don't know. I quite like the Georgian with its square elevation.

WATSON: Yes, the elevation is an asset, I'll give you that. Mind you, the gable comes into its own when matched to a steeply pitched roof.

HOLMES: But the box gutter is able to capitalise upon a shared gutter system.

WATSON: It's a tough call to make.

HOLMES: It sure is, old bean. More tea?

WATSON: Yes. Why not? Crumpet at eleven?

HOLMES: Not half!