ANGRY DUCKS, POTTY RUSKIES & FICKLEHOLES

BIRD: You sound pretty wasted, Buffters. What was you up to last nite?

BUFFALO: Alligators, Birdy. Up to my ass in 'em. Sometimes I get a break, though, and then it feels like I'm being eaten alive by ducks.

BIRD: Any particular kind of ducks?

BUFFALO: Very angry ducks, ducky.

BIRD: Bordering on mad?

BUFFALO: Yes, pre-size-lee. Mad ducks.

BIRD: Are they are bad as mad dogs?

BUFFALO: Wurse. They don't foam at the mouth, so by the time you've figgered out they're mad, you've already been bitten.

BIRD:And danger of infection? Contamination even?

BUFFALO: No, fortunately I've been quite mad for most of my life, so I'm immune. I think my current de-lemo can best be summed up in the dire log between our two most favorite Russian scallywags.

BIRD: Blimey, you mean the Russian virgin of Laurel and Hardy?

BUFFALO: The very ones. I've been eavesdropping on them. It appears that they've gotten themselves into a mighty pickle.

BIRD: Turn up the watts, Buff, so we can all have a listen, innit.

BUFFALO: Hang on, here they come.

BORODNY: Well, Pushkin, here is other fine mess you got me into.

PUSHKIN: It's not my fault! She said she will be doing both of us, on back seat of Trabant!

BORODNY: And you believed her? Are you not learning anything from last six times she duped us, turnip dick?

PUSHKIN: But she was so sincere, and eloquent, regular Daughter of the Revolution, already!

BORDONY: Da, and now here we are, hanging upside by our ankles, in Durance Vile, waiting for bloodsucking attorney to skewer us like couple of shish ka-knobs. Pushkin, you truly are idiot of distinction of former Soviet Mother's Union.

PUSHKIN: But it is not my fault! Mama dropped me on head as baby.

BORODNY: Is great shame she did not flush you down toilet, instead, already.

PUSHKIN: What toilet? We had bucket, like all citizens of revolution. Mama make many smellies. Wooo! We relieve ourselves once a year in correct procedure, on annual visit to Moscow.

BORODNY: What in name of pregnant goat with inflated udders you was doing in Moscow?

PUSHKIN: Visiting papa, in Lubayanka. We save money for him, so he bribe guards to give him cabbage to eat, but he was lunatic out of hungry and eat the money, already.

BORODNY: Da, suspicion confirmed. You come from long line of idiots.

PUSHKIN: Is not true! But we must stand in long line of idiots to use bathroom.

BORODNY: So is why you have shit for brains.

PUSHKIN: Excuse me, please. but I am hanging here in company, you know.

BORODNY: But of course. I am idiot to listen to you. I am telling myself you so potty that you are banging wet dream, already. Once again you hear Sirens drawing you to rocks, and like complete ficklehole I give you helm. For this, I deserve Order of Lennon, winter vacation in Siberia, and nice red hot poker up ficklehole.

PUSHKIN: I am sorry, already! You know how it happens when she flashes headlights at me and gives me come on, already. No man who is not prancing nancy boy is resisting it. I am just human, you know!

BORODNY: You are human turd, is what, you fooked idiot. If we get out of mess, I kick your sorry ficklehole from one end of Red Square to other, then I drown you in vat of vodka.

PUSHKIN: Drowned in vat of vodka? "Death, where is thy sting?"

BORODNY: You will see, if we survive. I put pitchfork so far up your ficklehole when you walk in room, everyone is saying, "Look, here comes Pushkin, who speaks with forked tongue." Enough of crying, already, die like man!

BUFFALO: And dat's where we must relieve it.

BIRD: Thank the Freddy. It's getting a bit tacky, innit? Funny how there seems to be a parallel between our current situations.

BUFFALO: There are parallels going all the way back to Eden, Birdy. Forbidden fruit, and all that.

BIRD: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, is it?

BUFFALO: More like, beware of Vikings bearing melons, I think.

BIRD: I see what you mean, Buffers.

BUFFALO: Next time, do me a favor, Birdy. Shoot me in the fookin' head, willya?

BIRD: Or the Freddy.

BUFFALO: That, too. I should have the damned thing amputated, for all the good it does me.

BIRD: Live and learn, Buff.

BUFFALO: I think I have a learning disability, Birdy.

BIRD: No one's purr-fect.

BUFFALO: You can say that again.

BIRD: No one's purr-fect.

BUFFALO: Put a lid on it, Birdman, before I am throttling you, already.

BIRD: Whimper, whimper.

BUFFALO: Ditto that, Birdy, ditto that.

BIRD: Film at eleven?

BUFFALO: Yeah, "The Battleship Potemkin" - uncut, uncensored, un-fookin'-believable. Arf, arf!