WHEN EVERYTHING'S GOING DIDDLY SQUIDDERS

BUFFALO: You OK there, dude?

BIRD: Yeah, fine. Excuse me while I chew my arm off.

BUFFALO: Wassup?

BIRD: Dunno. Just feel a bit down, dude. Just when I thought we were getting some Ware with that LA producer, it's all come to diddly squidders.

BUFFALO: Guess we gotta face it that the world isn't ready for Tails From The Bird & Buffalo: The Movie.

BIRD: But dude, what more can we do? We've got a cult following.

BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.

BIRD: Rave reviews of da blog. An honorary mention on Google.

BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.

BIRD: Publishers pissing over each other to get us to sign for the new Holmes' franchise.

BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.

BIRD: But the big one, the REALLY big one is still out of reach.

BUFFALO: But but but we're massive in Motown, dude.

BIRD: Yeah, and Pubistan, although nobody knows where the fook it is or if we're ever gonna see any royalties.

BUFFALO: Cool it, dude. We'll make it. Did ya see that movie American Splendor about that guy who wrote comic books for 30 years? They made a film about him, right?

BIRD: Yeah, just before he retired. I can't wait that long. I want it NOW, I tell you, NOWWWWW!

BUFFALO: OK, OK. I'll have a chat with Barry tonite, appeal to his greedier side, just don't blow yer kopf off, OK? We don't want ya doin' anything silly now.

BIRD: Hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?

BUFFALO: Dude, have you run out of meds?

BIRD: Fook no. Got a whole store cupboard of Benadryl and Sparky's Toe Jam.

BUFFALO: Good. Now just be patient a little while longer, OK?

BIRD: It's not easy. And now I suppose we've gotta do one and let Holmes and Watson take over.

BUFFALO: That's about the rim job short and curlies of it.

BIRD: I told you it was a mistake to let that smart arse Holmes and his side arse Watson onto this blog.

BUFFALO: Pressing the "yer boring the tits off our readers button" right now, dude.

BIRD: Yeah, let's bugger off. I mean when have we ever...

(SHORT SHARP BLEEP)

WATSON: I say, Holmes.

HOLMES: Yes, Watson?

WATSON: Did you hear a bleep?

HOLMES: Can't say that I did.

WATSON: Must be a ringing in my ear or something. You know, since we got back from Pubistan I just haven't felt right. What with the dizzy spells and the hiccups.

HOLMES: Watson, you know we never made it to Pubistan. You got sea sickness on the Thames at Greenwich, remember?

WATSON: Oh, yes. So I did. And now that ghastly Moriarty is over there wreaking havoc.

HOLMES: Watty, old boy, it's the best place for him. If anyone can subdue the Pubes it's him, and then once he's finished doing that he'll have an almighty task trying to find his way out of there again.

WATSON: Quite. With any luck the rabbits will bite him to bits before he makes the tunnel what what what.

HOLMES: Precisely, old bean.

WATSON: More tea, Holmes?

HOLMES: Capital idea.

MRS HUDSON: Oh, Mr Sherlock.

HOLMES: Yes, Hudders?

MRS HUDSON: There's a President Hazam Ripyorebollokov to see you.

HOLMES: (sighs) Here we go again.

WATSON: No peace for the wicked, Holmes.

HOLMES: How right you are, old chap. How right you are.