HOW COCKROACHES MAKE LURRRVE

BUFFALO: You OK, dude, after the deep cleaning, like?

BIRD: Dude, I have NEVER known such pain in all mah life! Might be easier to have all me teeth taken out.

BUFFALO: Wot did ya do, piss off the hygienist or some Finn?

BIRD: In the pursuit of saving money, Mr Fookwit of East Fenwick here abstained from the dentist's chair for a number of years. Then came the abscess, then came swollen gums, the pain, the shame, followed by the handing over of serious cash. And yesterday, I got a right royal mauling for an hour as a sympathetic but determined hygienist jabbed me with needles several times and let loose a mechanical digger below the gum line.

BUFFALO: Too much detail, dude. Soiling me boxer shorts here.

BIRD: Every time it looked like I was about to swallow me tongue or chuck up, she stopped, fiddled about with the buttons on the digger, pouted oh so menacingly, then slapped the suction thingie in again and scooped down even closer to mah roots.

BUFFALO: Pure horrorshow.

BIRD: I staggered out of there and into the street of Harley not knowing who I was, where I was or where I was going. I felt like I'd gone 15 rounds with Mike Tyson.

BUFFALO: Dude, don't go back there. Next time she'll have yer kopf off!

BIRD: Well, she did mutter some Finn about getting the hose in once I'd gone. And to make matters converse, I sat down on a bench in a nearby square, my head in a spin and there within thumping distance of my left leg were two cockroaches going at it like seals on Cadbury's Fruit & Nut.

BUFFALO: Oh, yucko.

BIRD: But curiously, he seemed to be doing her from the front.

BUFFALO: Yow!

BIRD: And then the female went flying through the air and landed upside down on the path.

BUFFALO: Wow!

BIRD: Whereupon she was flattened by a passing cyclist.

BUFFALO: Jeepers!

BIRD: And the male just sort of spun around on the bench for a while then jumped through the crack and trotted off towards Baker Street.

BUFFALO: Did you say Baker Street?

BIRD: A-ha.

BUFFALO: Wonder how Holmes is getting on with Toby the blood hound.

BIRD: Yeah, me too.

BUFFALO: And Mrs Hudson down on all fours on her shagpile...

BIRD: With Watson not far behind...

BUFFALO: A truly ghastly business.

BIRD: Deplorable.

BUFFALO: Shall we share it with our fans?

BIRD: Yeah, why not?

BUFFALO: Tomorra?

BIRD: OK. Gotta go rinse me gums now. The ailing pussies will have to wait.

BUFFALO: Gently does it, my avian chum. With extreme caution.

BIRD: Film at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!