DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 2: I AM AFRAID

BIRD: "When I was released from hospital, Mad Billy and his chums ambushed me when I went to the letter box to post a thank you letter to the doctors and nurses for being so kind. I was kicked to the ground, and then beaten unconscious with a cucumber from our garden. I am not afraid. In 27 days from now I shall be nine years old."

BUFFALO: Fookin' L, dude! So you went back to hospital, like.

BIRD: "I'm not sure what time it is, but it's late. I am back in hospital, under the sheets with a torch. I don't remember how I got here. The man in the next bed says they took me for a brain scan. My mother came to see me and was very pale. 'Don't leave us, Birdy!' she wailed. It was most embarrassing. Of course I'm not going anywhere. My parents feed and clothe me. I know when I'm on to a good thing. I am not afraid. In 25 days time I shall be nine years old."

BUFFALO: Not sure I can take much more of this, Birdman.

BIRD: "This morning they took away my torch, so I am writing this in the toilet. It is the only place where I can enjoy some privacy. Last night, a very nice nurse was hitting me on the chest and shouting, a little too loudly for me, 'I think we've lost him, doctor!' How many times do I have to tell them? I'm going NOWHERE! I miss Bud. That's my budgie. I hope my mother is feeding him. He'll starve otherwise. I am not afraid. In 22 days time I shall be nine years old."

BUFFALO: What the Freddy! Gimme a minute, will ya? It's all too much.

BIRD: "Bud died yesterday, just after the six o'clock news. I suspect foul play but I can't prove it. The man in the next bed told me, 'Life's a bitch and then you die'. I think he's missing his dog. Luckily, I don't have a dog so I can't miss it, but I don't mind telling you I am very upset about Bud, although it means I won't have to clean up his poo any more, which is a big relief. After tea, a strange woman came, claiming to be my mother. She was with a strange man, who was most insistent that he is my father. Tomorrow, they are coming to take me away. I am afraid. In 21 days time I shall be nine."

BUFFALO: I can't take it any more, dude! Pass me the Kleenex, will ya?!

BIRD: It's OK, Buff, there's only one more part. True, the most horrific part, but it'll soon be over.

BUFFALO: Gawd! And I thought I had a traumatic childhood.

BIRD: We'll soon find out. It's your turn next.

BUFFALO: O my Goddddddd!

BIRD: No one gets outta here alive!

BUFFALO: Time to die!

BIRD: Here's lookin' at you, kid!

BUFFALO: I'll be back.

BIRD: Fill Mwah at eleven.

BUFFALO: Arf, arf!

DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 1: I AM NOT AFRAID

BIRD: "I dreamt last night of a bathroom. The door is creaking backwards and forwards, beckoning me inside. The bathroom is divided into three. The basin is straight ahead. To my right is Deborah in the bath, fully clothed. She's on the phone, laughing. To my left a towel is being sprayed with water to make it dry(!). There is a ball falling from a great height towards me. I am not afraid. One month from now I shall be nine years old."

BUFFALO: Huh?

BIRD: "Today, at school I got hit in the face by a ball. I have lost three teeth, broken my jaw and have double vision. How spooky is that! I am not afraid. In 30 days from now I shall be nine years old."

BUFFALO: Dude?

BIRD: "I woke up this morning to find I had lost all feeling in my left leg and my right eye was the size of a very large potato. As I was stumbling to the bathroom, I slipped and fell down the stairs. My head made heavy contact with the reinforced glass on the front door. I lost consciousness for two and a half hours. The ambulance came very quickly. This afternoon they are taking me to be operated on for serious head injuries. I am not afraid. In 29 days from now I shall be nine years old."

BUFFALO: Holy Fruit Bat Shit On The Loom, dude. Then what happened?

BIRD: Part 2. Tomorra.

BUFFALO: No!

BIRD: Yep. Horrorshow at eight.

BUFFALO: Redemption at nine? Arf, arf!