Er, buy this book on Kindle or the puppy gets it. REALLY gets it, geddit!
Showing posts with label Limericks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Limericks. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
LUMINOSITY IN THE LIMERICK AGE
WATSON: I say, Holmes.
HOLMES: Yes, Watson?
WATSON: I'm thinking of entering The Times Limerick competition, the theme being Old Mother Hubbard.
HOLMES: Oh, don't bother, old chap. You haven't got a ghostly.
WATSON: Oh, really, old bean? And why's that then?
HOLMES: Because, old man, I've already won it.
WATSON: Already won it? How come?
HOLMES: Because Rollicksome-Braithwaite, the editor, has seen my entry and laughed so much his haemorrhoid's fell out.
WATSON: Good Lord!
HOLMES: He assured me from his hospital bed that my Limerick shall not be surpassed. Indeed, he wants me to be the judge for next year's competition.
WATSON: Good Lord! I didn't know you had a saucy bone in your body, Holmes.
HOLMES: It's almost all sauce, old chum. With a bit of cartilage.
WATSON: (sighs) Is there anything you CAN'T do?
HOLMES: I can't see in the dark or get to the end of Charles Dickens' Great Expectations, irrespective of how many jelly babies I consume.
WATSON: Dashed again. I can't do those things, either. Can't rhyme Hubbard with anything, Holmes. As hard as I try.
HOLMES: Never mind, Botty Watty. You'll come good, eventually. Here, take this Thesaurus. It will provide you with solace and many new words and phrases to add to your internal quandary.
WATSON: Holmes, you fraud. Why, I've got a good mind to phone Frolicking-Rattyweight and expose you.
HOLMES: Oh, come now, Watson. I helped my old pal Roget compile the Thesaurus. I didn't use it. Indeed, I thought up the winning Limerick in 12.56 seconds flat, a world record, I believe, but I ingratiate.
WATSON: I give up, Holmes! I can't compete with you. I'll always be second best.
HOLMES: Not to Hudders, you won't.
WATSON: True. Thank you, Holmes. You're all heart, really, beneath the armadillo-like exterior.
HOLMES: Crumpet at eleven, Watson.
WATSON: Not 'arf! Hudders, get those new satin stockings on, I'm on my way!
AND THE WINNING ENTRY:
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over
Rover took over
For he had a bone of his own!
HOLMES: Yes, Watson?
WATSON: I'm thinking of entering The Times Limerick competition, the theme being Old Mother Hubbard.
HOLMES: Oh, don't bother, old chap. You haven't got a ghostly.
WATSON: Oh, really, old bean? And why's that then?
HOLMES: Because, old man, I've already won it.
WATSON: Already won it? How come?
HOLMES: Because Rollicksome-Braithwaite, the editor, has seen my entry and laughed so much his haemorrhoid's fell out.
WATSON: Good Lord!
HOLMES: He assured me from his hospital bed that my Limerick shall not be surpassed. Indeed, he wants me to be the judge for next year's competition.
WATSON: Good Lord! I didn't know you had a saucy bone in your body, Holmes.
HOLMES: It's almost all sauce, old chum. With a bit of cartilage.
WATSON: (sighs) Is there anything you CAN'T do?
HOLMES: I can't see in the dark or get to the end of Charles Dickens' Great Expectations, irrespective of how many jelly babies I consume.
WATSON: Dashed again. I can't do those things, either. Can't rhyme Hubbard with anything, Holmes. As hard as I try.
HOLMES: Never mind, Botty Watty. You'll come good, eventually. Here, take this Thesaurus. It will provide you with solace and many new words and phrases to add to your internal quandary.
WATSON: Holmes, you fraud. Why, I've got a good mind to phone Frolicking-Rattyweight and expose you.
HOLMES: Oh, come now, Watson. I helped my old pal Roget compile the Thesaurus. I didn't use it. Indeed, I thought up the winning Limerick in 12.56 seconds flat, a world record, I believe, but I ingratiate.
WATSON: I give up, Holmes! I can't compete with you. I'll always be second best.
HOLMES: Not to Hudders, you won't.
WATSON: True. Thank you, Holmes. You're all heart, really, beneath the armadillo-like exterior.
HOLMES: Crumpet at eleven, Watson.
WATSON: Not 'arf! Hudders, get those new satin stockings on, I'm on my way!
AND THE WINNING ENTRY:
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over
Rover took over
For he had a bone of his own!
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
FROM PLUMBER'S TWICE WEEKLY Q LIMERICK MASTERCLASS
There once was a plumber from Lea,
Who was plumbing his girl, by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
THE PLUMBER IN QUESTION IS A MR ROD BULGING, FROM IOWA. AFTER FITTING THREE KITCHENS & A BOUDOIR, ROD DEIGNED TO BE INTERVIEWED. THIS IS AN ABBREVIATED VERSION OF THAT INTERVIEW.
B&B: So Rod, how's it hanging?
ROD: It's good. Straight and true.
B&B: I'd like to ask you, if I may, about your Limerick.
ROD: Hell, is that what it is. OK.
B&B: The aspects of setting, of topic, of voice seem to dominate, to direct the reading. Would that be a fair observation?
ROD: Uh, actually, the dominant theme is, IMHO, what the plumber's up to with, uh, the client, ya get me?
B&B: Loud and clear, Rod. Loud and clear. Now, in reading the Limerick one is struck by the fact that it gets to a dark place very quickly. There's no suspense here, is there?
ROD: Well, Jeez, I gotta tell ya, this was a brief encounter. There wasn't time for nothing fancy.
B&B: Indeed and in trying to understand the organisation of the piece, how the poem proceeds, what elements or principles guide this organisation, one is struck by the fact that there is no reversal, there is most definitely a climax, perhaps not a sequence of some kind and with regards to a set of oppositions the jury is well and truly out.
ROD: Can't argue with none of that. I'll ask my neighbor Jed. He's got a PhD, so maybe he can. But I ain't promising anythin', ya get me?
B&B: And what would you say about tone?
ROD: Hell, there ain't no music in it. Although the radio was on in the background whilst we were on the job, like.
B&B: It's intriguing how the various elements work to create its meaning. The imagery is astounding, the symbolism abounds.
ROD: Hey, thanks a lot, buddy. I'm kinda pleased with it myself. I'm goin' back there for more next week.
B&B: Mr Bulging, it's been a pleasure to chat to you. And the next Limerick is coming out when?
ROD: When I write it. It's 90% perspiration, 10% copulation, ya get me?
B&B: Quite incredible. Rod Bulging, thank you.
Who was plumbing his girl, by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
THE PLUMBER IN QUESTION IS A MR ROD BULGING, FROM IOWA. AFTER FITTING THREE KITCHENS & A BOUDOIR, ROD DEIGNED TO BE INTERVIEWED. THIS IS AN ABBREVIATED VERSION OF THAT INTERVIEW.
B&B: So Rod, how's it hanging?
ROD: It's good. Straight and true.
B&B: I'd like to ask you, if I may, about your Limerick.
ROD: Hell, is that what it is. OK.
B&B: The aspects of setting, of topic, of voice seem to dominate, to direct the reading. Would that be a fair observation?
ROD: Uh, actually, the dominant theme is, IMHO, what the plumber's up to with, uh, the client, ya get me?
B&B: Loud and clear, Rod. Loud and clear. Now, in reading the Limerick one is struck by the fact that it gets to a dark place very quickly. There's no suspense here, is there?
ROD: Well, Jeez, I gotta tell ya, this was a brief encounter. There wasn't time for nothing fancy.
B&B: Indeed and in trying to understand the organisation of the piece, how the poem proceeds, what elements or principles guide this organisation, one is struck by the fact that there is no reversal, there is most definitely a climax, perhaps not a sequence of some kind and with regards to a set of oppositions the jury is well and truly out.
ROD: Can't argue with none of that. I'll ask my neighbor Jed. He's got a PhD, so maybe he can. But I ain't promising anythin', ya get me?
B&B: And what would you say about tone?
ROD: Hell, there ain't no music in it. Although the radio was on in the background whilst we were on the job, like.
B&B: It's intriguing how the various elements work to create its meaning. The imagery is astounding, the symbolism abounds.
ROD: Hey, thanks a lot, buddy. I'm kinda pleased with it myself. I'm goin' back there for more next week.
B&B: Mr Bulging, it's been a pleasure to chat to you. And the next Limerick is coming out when?
ROD: When I write it. It's 90% perspiration, 10% copulation, ya get me?
B&B: Quite incredible. Rod Bulging, thank you.
Monday, June 11, 2007
SUMMER FRIVOL0TARY - Q LIMERIX
SUMMER IS ALMOST UPON US. WITH MUCH FRIVOLOTARY, WEEZ CHILLIN' IN DA SUN, INNIT. WIKKED. Q LIMERIX.
FROM THE SHORTLY TO BE INGESTED ANTHOLOGY OF The Very Best Of Tails From The Bird & Buffalo Volume 0.5, WE BRING YOU...
THE LIMERICK OF OZ
by The Auld Buffalo
There was a young man from Australia
Who had elephantine genitalia
His ancestors were felons
His balls were like melons
And his dick was a map of Westphalia
IF YOU'D LIKE YOUR LIMERICK TO APPEAR HERE, OR SIMPLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE YOUR WANTON GARGOYLES WID US, SEND DA MESSAGE TO: birdandbuffalo@hotmail.com
FROM THE SHORTLY TO BE INGESTED ANTHOLOGY OF The Very Best Of Tails From The Bird & Buffalo Volume 0.5, WE BRING YOU...
THE LIMERICK OF OZ
by The Auld Buffalo
There was a young man from Australia
Who had elephantine genitalia
His ancestors were felons
His balls were like melons
And his dick was a map of Westphalia
IF YOU'D LIKE YOUR LIMERICK TO APPEAR HERE, OR SIMPLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE YOUR WANTON GARGOYLES WID US, SEND DA MESSAGE TO: birdandbuffalo@hotmail.com
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